Are You Experiencing Relationship Anxiety or Gut Instincts?

• Relationship anxiety is a constant worry of uncertainty that comes from past traumas and relationship experiences.
• Gut feelings are instinctual and help you make immediate decisions to survive.
• For example, a general fear of commitment is relationship anxiety, whereas questioning someone’s trust may be a gut instinct.

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is feeling uncertain about the relationship. Worries about commitment or your significant other can be both physical and mental and often cause confusion and fear. Perhaps you worry about where the relationship is going or what the future has in store. If you’re concerned about how you and your partner feel for each other, it may be relationship anxiety. Common signs of relationship anxiety include: Lack of motivation Emotional distress or exhaustion Fatigue and difficulty sleeping Stomach aches or nausea Persistent worrying Second-guessing yourself Self-doubt Self-sabotaging behavior Are the nerves you’re feeling relationship anxiety or something else? Find out if you have relationship anxiety by taking our quiz.

Relationship anxiety stems from a lack of trust and commitment fears. Maybe you’ve been cheated on before, never seen a healthy relationship last, or were abandoned as a child. Either way, if you have relationship anxiety, you probably have trauma or unresolved conflicts from your upbringing or previous relationships. These experiences have left you vulnerable and insecure, causing you to second guess your worth within the relationship. For example, you may find yourself in a self-loathing pattern, saying things like, “I’m not good enough” or “What do they see in me?”

Relationship anxiety can cause insecurities and controlling behavior. Along with anxious feelings, relationship anxiety can lead to other negative reactions, such as depression, an inability to focus, a lack of confidence, and confrontational behavior. Constantly worrying about the strength or serenity of a relationship may make you more controlling over your partner. This often results in an ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style. For instance, perhaps you ensure your partner posts about your relationship online religiously or have to know when and where they’re going every day. Identify your attachment style to better understand how you react in a relationship. Recognize how you respond to arguments and reflect on your upbringing.

What is a gut feeling?

A gut feeling is an immediate reaction to a current situation. Also known as gut instinct or intuition, this feeling is often associated with nerves, a falling stomach, or butterflies. Feeling something in your gut is completely normal; it’s part of your flight or fight response. The feeling doesn’t typically last very long and usually follows an instinctual thought. To put it simply, a gut feeling is a hunch. For instance, imagine you’re on a date, and they say something you strongly disagree with. As your mind shouts, “Retreat! Retreat!” your gut may suddenly feel heavy or like it’s doing somersaults. If someone says, “I have a bad feeling about this,” they’re most likely explaining a gut feeling or instinct. Gut instincts rely on the present situation and past experiences. Similarly to relationship anxiety, your instinct might be to hesitate when trusting someone because you’ve been cheated on before. Unlike relationship anxiety, gut feelings are fueled by self-preservation, not insecurity.

When should you trust your instincts?

Trust your instincts when they don't stem from fear or self-doubt. First impressions are important, especially when it comes to relationships. If you go on a date and feel a sense of dread or fear, take it as a hint not to schedule a second date. If you’re in a committed relationship and have a hunch that they’re hiding something, look into it. More often than not, your gut instinct is right. Keep in mind that your emotional intelligence (EQ) can play a big part in gut instincts. EQ is the measure of your ability to understand and manage emotions in positive ways. Lower EQs can sway judgment and overall health. Improve your EQ by managing stress, becoming aware of your emotions (both good and bad), and expressing your feelings mindfully. So, how do you know if it’s instincts or relationship anxiety? If you’re feeling dread and a combination of fear and self-doubt, it’s most likely your insecurities and anxieties talking. Understand that relationship anxiety can muddle instincts. Insecurities and fears of commitment could result in overreactions, causing you to jump to conclusions.

How to Overcome Relationship Fears & Doubts

Vocalize your feelings. If you doubt yourself or the direction of the relationship, don’t be afraid to share your concerns with others. Open up to your partner, friends, or family—you don’t have to go through this alone. Discussing your worries and fears can help you overcome them and feel understood. Do your best to avoid minimizing your feelings. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to “fix” anxiety. It takes a lot of work, and the first step is to acknowledge your feelings and be gentle with yourself.

Follow a routine. Believe it or not, routine and structure can help you overcome relationship fears and anxieties. Don’t let your anxiety rule your life. Instead, create a schedule that keeps you and your mind busy. The more organized your life is, the less likely you’ll have time to worry. Start a new hobby or sign up for a class. Wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. Plan weekly dates with your partner. Make time to hang out with friends and family.

Do grounding exercises. Anxious behavior is often subconscious, and you may not realize you’re doubting yourself and the relationship—don’t be so hard on yourself. Use grounding relaxation techniques, like deep breathing and positive affirmations, to calm your nerves. Try focusing on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste to help bring you back to the present moment.

Empower yourself. More often than not, relationship and commitment anxieties stem from self-doubt. Nip these insecurities in the bud and raise your self-esteem by rewording negative thoughts. What you say and believe about yourself matters, so try swapping intrusive thoughts like this: Instead of saying, “I can’t even cook my boyfriend dinner,” reframe the thought as, “I may not be a good cook, but I can take my boyfriend to his favorite restaurant.” Rather than, “I’m so ugly,” think, “My smile is contagious, and my body is beautifully unique.” Write down 5 positive things about yourself every day. Then, when you’re feeling down, peek at it to recall all the wonderful things about yourself.

Talk to a therapist. Therapy or counseling can be a valuable tool, especially when overcoming fears and doubts within a relationship. Schedule an appointment with a therapist if you’re feeling depressed, anxious about the direction of your relationship, or your fears are hindering your daily life. Work one-on-one with a therapist or sign up for couples counseling. Sometimes talking things out with your partner and a therapist can help you identify and recognize what you need more of in the relationship. Online therapy companies like BetterHelp or Talkspace offer a range of counseling services you can do individually or as a couple.