Approaching a Stranger
Smile. Smiling at a person shows that you are friendly, non-threatening, and interested in them. If the person smiles back at you, it is a good indication that they are thinking positively of you. Notice the difference between a “real” and a “fake” smile by noticing if the skin at the outer corners of their eyes creases when they smile. These creases indicate that the person is genuinely happy. If you do not see these creases, they may just be smiling to be polite. Their smile may also lack eye creases if they have suffered nerve damage or have had Botox treatments.
Use a three-part approach to opening a conversation. Start by making an observation about something you both have in common or something you are both seeing or experiencing at that moment. Then reveal something about yourself related to that, and follow up immediately with a question about them. If you are at a music concert, you could make an observation about the band, like, “The guitarist played a great solo during that last song. This is my first time seeing this band. Have you seen them perform before?” You could make a comment about the weather by saying, “The weather this afternoon is perfect. I’ve been waiting for it to warm up enough to go kayaking down the river. Have you ever kayaked the river?” If the person you’re trying to talk to is wearing an interesting accessory or piece of clothing, you could begin with an observation about it, such as, “That’s a very interesting necklace you have on. It reminds me of a hand-carved figurine I saw at a market in Marrakesh. Did you make it yourself?”
Avoid clichéd pickup lines. Pickup lines may be funny to joke about with friends, but using them in earnest while trying to ask out a stranger can make you seem like you’re not smart or charming enough to think up something original on your own. Additionally, many pickup lines are insulting and belittling, and could make the person you approach feel objectified or just turn them off of you completely.
Introduce yourself. Once you’ve begun a conversation and you’ve determined that this is a person you’d like to spend more time with, take a moment to introduce yourself and ask them to introduce themselves in return. You might say, “My name is Casey, by the way. What’s yours?”
Offer your hand for a handshake as you introduce yourself. This is a great time to initiate physical contact. If the person’s body language is showing you that they are interested in and attracted to you, you may want to hold their hand longer than a typical handshake. Consider placing your other hand on top of theirs, so you are holding their hand in both of yours. Another very flirtatious option is to bring their hand to your lips and kiss it just above or below the knuckles. If the person is reluctant to give you their name or pulls their hand away quickly after a handshake, then the person may not be attracted to you and is just talking to you to be polite.
Determine whether or not the person is available and open to dating. Asking if the person is in a relationship will signal that you are romantically interested in them. If the person is already in a committed relationship, they will probably not be interested in going on a date with you. If they are not in a relationship but not interested in you, asking them about a significant other gives them the opportunity to say they are not interested in dating at this time. You can ask directly if they have a significant other by saying, “So do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” or “Are you seeing anyone right now?” You may also ask in a more passive way by saying, “Where is your boyfriend tonight?” or “That’s a nice watch. Did your girlfriend buy it for you?”
Ask if they have any plans for that weekend. This approach paves the way for you to ask them on a date. For example, if they are planning to go to a concert with friends on Friday night, you can ask them to go out with you on Saturday. You may use this approach instead of asking about a significant other directly. Asking them what they're doing over the weekend gives them the opportunity to mention a significant other if they have one by saying, “My girlfriend and I are going bowling on Saturday.”
Asking Someone on a Date
Ask the person on a date. Tell the person why you find them attractive and that you would like to get to know them better. Ask if they would be interested in spending more time with you on a date. For example, you could say, “I’m really enjoying this conversation with you. You know so much about kayaking, and you are very beautiful, too. I would love to see you again and get to know you better. Would you like to go out on a date with me?”
Be specific with an idea for a date, if possible. If you can’t think of a date idea on the spot, tell them that you will call them to set up the specifics for your date. If you’ve gotten to know the person through conversation, you might have an idea already of what would make a good date. For example, if you think they’ll like a particular band that is playing on Friday night, ask if they’d like to go to the concert with you by saying, “Have you seen the Essentials play yet? They’re doing a show Friday night at Joy Theater. Would you like to go with me?”
Exchange contact information. If the person agrees to go out on a date with you, make sure you get their contact information. Ask for their phone number so you can contact them. Be direct by simply asking, “Can I get your phone number?” If you sense that they would prefer to be in control on contacting you, offer to give them your number by saying, “Here’s my phone number. Call me this week so we can set something up for the weekend.”
Call the person within a day or two of getting their number. Calling them promptly shows that you are interested in them and that you take them seriously. If you haven’t already set a specific time and place for your date, have a specific idea in mind to invite them to when you call. Being indecisive can be a turn-off for some people and if you call without a specific idea in mind, it may seem like you don’t respect them enough to plan ahead.
Accept rejection kindly. Even if all their body language indicates they are attracted to you, there is still a possibility the person could turn you down for a date. Tell them that you really enjoyed talking to them and that you wish them the best before parting ways with them. There are many different reasons that a person might turn you down for a date. They may be attracted to you, but have something going on in their life that makes it difficult for them to date, such as if they have a demanding job, like modeling, acting, or nursing, or if they have to travel a lot. They may also have just gotten out of a serious relationship and may not be ready to date again. Or maybe they just don’t find you as attractive as you thought they did. Rejection does not mean that you did anything wrong; it’s just not the right fit with this person at this moment in time. Appreciate that it can be difficult to be honest with someone when they are asking you out on a date. If this person tells you upfront that they do not want to date you, they are being more courageous than giving you their phone number and then never answering your calls.
Reading Body Language
Make eye contact. Sustained eye contact for 2-3 seconds is a sign that a person is attracted to you. A person who is being shy or flirtatious may look at your, look away and then look back several times. On the other hand, if the person looks away and does not look back or turns their head or body away from you, this is a sign they are not interested in you. Some women may tuck their chin down then look up at you and bat their eyes quickly. A man may be more likely to raise his eyebrows briefly to show he’s interested.
Look for availability in their body language. Signs of availability include smiling, uncrossed arms and legs, and looking up or straight ahead. Unavailable or defensive postures include folding their arms across their chests, crossing their legs tightly, and looking down at their feet or even a cell phone. How a woman holds her purse is a great indication of availability. If she is holding her purse in front of her body or clutching it tightly against her side, she may subconsciously be trying to “hide” from you or place an obstacle between you and her. Holding her purse at her side or pushed towards her back are good signs that she’s open to you. If you are in a busy, crowded area, she may just be clutching her purse because she is afraid of getting it stolen or being pickpocketed, so pay attention to other signs of attraction as well. A woman who is wearing a skirt may keep her legs crossed out of propriety while she is sitting and still be open to you. Turning her torso towards you is a good indication that she is open to being approached. She may also change her position from crossing her legs at the knees to crossing them at the ankles, which is another indication she may be attracted to you. A man may stand with his hands on his hips or, if sitting, spread his legs further apart to widen his stance. Both of these gestures are indications he is attracted to you.
Notice if they are playing with their hair. A person who is attracted to you may start running their fingers through their hair. A woman with longer hair may flip her hair off her shoulder to expose her neck. A man may either smooth out or mess up his hair to make his hairstyle more flattering and attractive.
Pay attention to their feet. People instinctually point their feet towards someone they are attracted to. If the person has turned their feet to point at you, it’s a good indication that they are attracted to you, or at least very interested in you.
Notice if they are wearing a wedding band. It is possible that a married person may be attracted to you and show signs of being interested in meeting you. However, if they are legally attached to someone else, they may not be interested in dating you or may be looking for someone to cheat on their spouse with. Only proceed in asking this person out if you are comfortable with this potential complication or are prepared for being turned down.
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