How to Detach from Dysfunctional Relatives

Assessing Your Relationships

Identify toxic relationships. Think about your current family relationships. Identify the ones that are toxic, and distinguish them from the ones that are simply difficult. You may want to work with a mental health professional if you feel comfortable with this. A mental health professional can help you to identify toxic relationships. Abuse, constant negativity, and manipulation are several indications that a relationship is toxic. The line between a difficult relationship and a toxic one can be blurry. Trust your own judgment and keep in mind that some people may try to minimize what you are experiencing. However, if you know someone is abusive, then do not accept other people's excuses for them.

Brainstorm solutions. Think about whether you can find ways to deal with dysfunctional family dramas without cutting relatives out of your life. Consider skipping certain family gatherings, standing up to bullies, or ignoring conflicts instead of arguing with your relatives. Finding a simple solution may not always be possible. However, de-escalating negative situations is often less stressful than cutting ties completely. Look into ALANON, which is a group that started as a way to help and support the family members of people with substance abuse. However, this organization has expanded to help people in all sorts of situations.

Think carefully about the costs of severing a relationship. Before you detach yourself from a relative, think about how the action may affect the rest of your life, including your other family relationships. Make sure you're prepared to deal with the potential negative consequences of cutting ties. For example, you might choose to cut ties with one sibling who has toxic tendencies and your others sibling may see this as an affront. As a result, you lose two siblings. You will have to weigh the costs of whether the toxic person is worth keeping around to preserve other relationships. Try making a pros and cons list to help you determine if severing the relationship is worth the benefits and costs. Keep it somewhere that you can read over it often. You may also want to ask a friend or family member to help you with making the list because they might think of some things that you would not.

Come to terms with the consequences of not cutting ties. Just as breaking away from dysfunctional relatives will cause emotional pain or discord, it might also bring you peace. This is especially true if your relatives tend to muddy your life with their toxic behaviors. For instance, if you have family members who steal, lie, cheat, bully, or abuse drugs and alcohol, they likely cause you more stress than joy. Your mental health and peace of mind will benefit from stepping away from these people. Look over your pros and cons list if you have already made one. If not, then make a pros and cons list to help you understand the costs and benefits if you decide not to cut ties. Read over your list often and ask a friend or family member to help you add to it.

Detaching from Toxic Relatives

Stop trying to change the dysfunctional person. Accept that your relative will never start behaving differently unless they want to. Don't try to talk them into changing or make them understand how you feel. Instead, take a step back and make a conscious decision to prioritize your own well-being instead of theirs for a while. If your relative is self-destructive, understand that you cannot save them from themselves. You may even be inadvertently encouraging their behavior by giving them the attention they want. Do not feel like you have to explain your choices, especially not more than once. Also, do not get pulled into a conversation where you end up defending your choices.

Avoid blaming yourself or others for your relative's behavior. Your family member is completely responsible for their own actions, no matter what they might say to the contrary. Don't make excuses for them or let them tell you it's your fault. Passive aggression is a favorite tactic of toxic people. If your family member becomes passive-aggressive with you, recognize it for the manipulative tactic it is, and don't let it get under your skin. It is best not to respond at all, and then vent about it later to a trusted friend or therapist.

Create healthy boundaries. Decide which situations and behaviors you're no longer willing to deal with. Let your family members know what they can expect from you and what you need from them. Be firm about your boundaries. Don't back down or apologize for them. Make a list of the behaviors you will not tolerate. Share this list with your family. You might say, "I lent out a great deal of money to Jeff, and he never bothered to pay me back. For this reason, I won't be lending money to family anymore." Asserting your boundaries may take time and practice if you've let other people push you around in the past. If someone tries to convince you to violate a boundary, say something like "We've already discussed this. I'm firm on my decision." If they continue to push, then it is okay to ignore it. Hang up the phone or end the conversation when they start to push against a boundary.

Distance yourself. Whether you're planning on severing the relationship or not, create some distance between yourself and your dysfunctional family member. Avoid visiting them, talking to them on the phone, or attending family gatherings where they're present. Notice how you feel when your relative isn't an active part of your life. Distancing yourself can create a sense of guilt, especially if you've been in a codependent relationship with your relative. Don't feel obligated to break your silence before you're ready. Getting some time and space away from your relative can help you gain perspective and decide whether to cut ties for good. Decide what you will say to other family members who ask about your decision to distance yourself. Make sure to keep this brief and firm and don't open it up for discussion. For example, you might say something like, “I decided that getting some distance was the healthiest thing for me, and so far it has been.”

Supporting Your Well-Being

Stay in touch with family members you get along with. If you have healthy family relationships, nurture them. Emotional support is especially important when you're having family problems, and often, your other family members will understand what you're going through better than anyone else. Because of their inside perspective on your situation, your other family members may have good advice for how to handle your dysfunctional relatives.

Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. If you're used to putting other people's needs and feelings first, you might not be in the habit of practicing good self-care. Work on achieving a healthy balance between fulfilling your responsibilities and taking care of your own well-being. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Remember that you're just as worthy of care as anyone else. Make your health a priority by getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising. Set aside some time every day or every week to do something you enjoy. Try appointing an accountability partner who can point out when you start putting other people's needs ahead of your own needs.

Feel your emotions. Instead of suppressing your emotions, find healthy ways to acknowledge them and let them out. Try writing in a journal, venting to someone you trust, or going for a long walk. Experiencing your emotions is the only way to work through them. It's common to feel angry after living through a dysfunctional family situation, particularly if your parents were the dysfunctional ones. Keep in mind that loneliness is a common emotion for people who are going through this process, even if you are spending time with supportive friends and family. It can be sad to lose someone who was a significant figure in your life. Just keep in mind that you will begin to feel better as you continue to heal.

Spend time with supportive people. You can't choose your family, but you can decide which friends to surround yourself with. Work on developing the positive, mutually beneficial relationships in your life. Seek out the people who make you feel loved and who are there for you when you need them.

Get outside help. Distancing yourself from dysfunctional family members can bring up emotions that are hard to deal with alone. If you're struggling to cope, make an appointment with a counselor or therapist. Support groups can also be helpful in dealing with feelings like guilt and anger.