How to Have a Deep Connection With Your Boyfriend

Improving Communication

Cultivate open communications. Share intimate thoughts, dreams, and ideas together. Tell him about the dreams that drive you and the hopes you hold for the future, including a future with him. Work on showing him non-verbal displays of communication too, like giving him a hug every once in a while, sitting close to him and holding his hand, and locking eyes and smiling. Try to spend a few minutes every day talking about personal subjects like serious hopes, dreams, and fears. Encourage him to share as well, but don't try to force him to verbalize his thoughts or feelings. Don’t just assume that he can read your mind, or that you can read his. Try asking, "Where do you see yourself in five years? What are some of the most important things you want to accomplish in life? What values drive you most and motivate your actions?"

Observe and understand how your boyfriend shows affection. Everyone shows their love and affection in a different way, but some tendencies are more common for men than others. In general, be observant and pick up on things your boyfriend does to show he’s happy to be with you. Knowing how he expresses love will help you decide the best way to respond and show your own affection. Be on the lookout for things like: Bonding over activities, whether that’s going to an amusement park, a sports game, or a museum Offering to fix things for you and provide a helping hand Giving you gifts Including you in future planning

Be non-judgmental. Create a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere. You cannot get to know another person well without listening unconditionally and standing in the other person's shoes. Try to understand his perspective, and encourage him to be comfortable with sharing without any fear of looking silly or foolish. Reassure him that he can be himself around you without having to impress you. Tell him you appreciate him for who he is. Understand that many societies have definitions of masculinity that discourage sharing fears and intimate emotions. Know that men often want to fix problems rather than share their own. Try saying, "You know you can confide in me and I won't judge you. We've been together a pretty long time now, and I love you unconditionally. You should never feel embarrassed about having fears or doubts - you'll probably find that I share them!"

Be curious about how your boyfriend thinks and feels. Find joy in continuously learning about your boyfriend. Actively show him that you’re invested in his interior life, and want to know more about what makes him who he is. Think of questions you can ask him that will reveal things you don’t know. Try asking, “What was the happiest moment of your childhood? What was the most difficult part of growing up?” Ask him, “Who’s been the most important influence of your life? Why?” Ask, “What are your most important values? Why do you hold those values so dear, and how do they inform your actions?” Be sure to ask, “What are the things you look for in a partner? How can I be a better partner to you?”

Have fun, silly conversations. While you shouldn’t avoid serious topics, and should have a good daily talk, don’t make your communications in general too serious. It’s equally important to have silly talks that engage your imaginations. Incorporating fresh, light discussions where less is at stake can also keep communicating from becoming a chore. Talk about each other’s days, especially about silly things you came across while going about your days. Mention funny things you saw on while out and about, or silly things you came across online. Ask him lighthearted questions that will still help you to get to know each other. Consider asking, “If you could be any cartoon character who would you be?” or “If you could have any superpower which would you choose?” Use humor and laughter to keep things fresh: having funny conversations and joking around with each other can help you both look forward to communicating with the other.

Building a Deep Emotional Bond

Know yourself and your emotions. To build a deep emotional bond with another person, it’s important to understand and accept your own emotions. It can be tempting and easy to brush off an emotion, or to deny yourself from experiencing a powerful emotion. However, you should take the time to process an emotion, and use reason to understand the experience. Be emotionally honest with yourself and try to understand how you emotionally respond to different situations. When you’re feeling emotional, ask yourself, “What emotion am I feeling right now?” Name it: say, for example, “This is anger that I’m feeling. I’m feeling angry because I don’t think my boyfriend is listening to me right now.” Reasoning through your own emotional experiences can help you avoid emotional suppression and help you better understand another person’s emotions.

Push yourself past your own defenses to make a connection. If you’re having a hard time forging a deep connection with your boyfriend, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you feeling defensive, or not emotionally available? This is a normal reaction when a relationship starts to get deeper, particularly if your trust has been broken in the past. Walling yourself off from pain can seem like the safest way to protect yourself from being hurt, but it’s also preventing you connecting with your loved one. Being vulnerable is hard, but if you and your boyfriend both work to open up to each other, the results will be more than worth it.

Pay attention to emotions on the surface. Learn to observe the emotions that he chooses to display on the surface. Once you’ve built a safe and comfortable space for communicating, you should both become more confident in sharing your emotions. This means you’ll both emote positively and negatively, so it’s important to for you both to respond openly to both ends of your emotional ranges. Don’t be threatened if he’s had a bad day and is visibly angry or upset. Try not to take it personally, but do your best to be someone he can vent to or give him space to decompress if he needs it. Try to help the other understand your surface level emotions better. Say, “Hey, when I get home from work I’m usually pretty cranky, and I’m really sorry in advance if I seem short,” or “Babe, Wednesdays are my long days at school, and I just want to let you know that when I get out of my last class a big hug would go a long way.”

Look and listen for emotions your boyfriend doesn’t express. As you get to know your boyfriend better, cultivate your own sense of empathy so you can anticipate his emotional needs. Listen to your boyfriend attentively, and hear the things he doesn't say as much as the things he does. It’s difficult and takes time, but learn to recognize how your boyfriend emotes. If he freaks out about something, learn to see how it connects to a deeper emotion. For example, maybe he seems hypersensitive about having his own space and gets upset when you rearrange his stuff. Don’t jump to the conclusion that he must be hiding something, but try to see things from his perspective. Does he have siblings? Maybe he never had his own space when he was younger having his own room, apartment, or other personal space is important to his sense of individuality. Try to look beyond the surface and see how his actions express deeper emotions, then try to convey to him that you understand and support his emotional life. Say, “I totally get that you need your space. Gosh, you grew up with two brothers, and you’re all only a couple years apart in age. You must not have had much space of your own, so it’s important to me that you’re comfortable now.”

Reestablish emotional connections as soon as you can. Every relationship has ups and downs, and we all lose touch with our partners sometimes. When you and your boyfriend find yourselves going through a patch of emotional distance, try to resolve it as soon as you can. Try not to force him to talk if he doesn’t want to, but do your best to reestablish an emotional bond before too much time passes. If you’re fighting, don’t use emotional disconnection as a weapon. If you feel that he is disengaging emotionally as a fighting tool, call him out on it. Tell him that you respect his need to have his own space, but that you’d like to set a time in the next couple days to talk about how you’re both feeling. Say, “I know that we’re not on the best terms right now, but I’d like us to make time to talk about how we’re both feeling. I care about how you’re feeling, and really hope you care about my feelings. Let’s try to talk this out so we can understand this situation and each other’s reactions a little better.” Check in a day or two after you have resolved an argument. For example, you might say something like, “I know we talked about this, but I just wanted to make sure that everything was settled and you don't have any residual feelings about _____.” When you talk to your boyfriend, suggest solutions to the problem and ask for his input too.

Find creative ways to put your feelings into actions. Try not to confuse emotional intimacy with physical intimacy, and don’t let sex be the only way you translate your emotions into actions. Find more interesting ways to show how you feel other than just being physical. Do nice things for each other as often as possible. For example, you might make a special dinner for each other on a Saturday night, start a hobby together, or spend one evening giving each other back massages. Learn and do the little things that bring you both joy. Let physical intimacy complement and express your emotional lives, rather than have your emotions be dependent on sex. Talk openly about your sex life, about ways to keep things interesting, and make sure to set time aside to be physically intimate, while not letting it control your relationship.

Have fun together. In addition to doing special things together, try to have fun together as often as possible. Find out what you both enjoy doing, and pursue those activities together. If you both enjoy going to the movies, make a weekly or bi-weekly movie date. Or stay in and rent or stream a movie. Take some time to talk about your tastes in movies. If you have fun doing different things, take turns doing those activities. If you love ice skating but your partner can't skate, go on a skating trip and try to teach him. Then, the next week, do something that they think is fun and try to learn more about it.

Spend quality time together. Try to make the most of the time you spend together. When you're hanging out with one another, do your best to include meaningful conversations about your emotions and any concerns you might be feeling on that particular day. Try to schedule time on neutral ground, or at places away from your respective homes or the home you might share. This is as simple as going for a walk or grabbing a coffee. It's great to do work or other necessary tasks when you're together, but try to dedicate a significant amount of time every week to focus on your partner. Keep a regular date night, go on daily walks, or play board games. Do activities that don't require too much concentration, so you can incorporate a quality conversation. Try to take pleasure in learning more about each other every time you spend time together.

Creating a Spiritual Connection

Imagine what a deep, spiritual connection looks like. You should each take time to visualize what a deeper connection means to you. Make lists of key images and words. Know what the other's key relationship values are. Imagine the healthiest, most ideal couple: what do they do that makes them your idea of a perfect couple? How do they discuss problems and celebrate success? How to they touch one another? Visualize even smallest details, like how close they stand to each other or what it looks like when they laugh together. Share these images with your boyfriend, and have him tell you what his ideal couple looks like. Identify where your ideal deep connections overlap, and look for what they share in common. Discuss ways to make each other’s visions into reality, including both small and large concerns. For example, if you both imagine an ideal couple holding hands when walking down the street, then make an effort to hold hands more. Let the differences between your imagined ideal couples inform and enlighten you. Consider that love might look different than how you imagined. Take this exercise as a lesson in being surprised and open to love as it unfolds.

Practice your shared values. Identify the philosophies or beliefs you both hold dear. Learn these commitments inside and out as you come to know each other better, build an emotional life together, and begin to bring your goals and dreams into alignment. Find ways of engaging and nurturing your shared beliefs and values. If you participate in the same religion, go to services together and find ways to nurture your relationship through practicing that religion. Consider meditating together, going on retreats or pilgrimages together, or pursuing any other spiritual activities.

Try not to change each other. While it’s great if you and your boyfriend share similar outlooks, it’s okay if you have some beliefs that don’t completely overlap. Try to find ways to enhance each other’s spiritual beliefs, rather than try to change the way the other sees the world. If you’ve built healthy communications, created a robust emotional life together, and have laid the groundwork of a deep connection, chances are that you would have found out by now whether or not you’re spiritually compatible. Being spiritually compatible in no way requires you to hold identical beliefs. It means that you can enhance each other and help each other become better people because your values and beliefs are in harmony, even if they’re not the same. If you don’t participate in an organized religion but both have spiritual beliefs about the natural world, nurture your bond by deepening your connection to the natural world. Go on hikes together, travel, or pursue other means of witnessing the beauty of nature. Find associations between these experiences and each other, and use memories of these times to deepen your feelings for each other.

Discuss the future as a couple. When you feel that you are close enough to think about sharing the future together, start talking about it as a couple. Imagine how the two of you can bring your lives together into shared goals, hopes, and values. Visualize where you see yourselves living, working, traveling, and having children. Ask, "What are you goals in life? What kind of job do you want to end up with? What kind of a house do you want and where do you see yourself living? Do you want a family?" Be sure to discuss the possibility of children, and sooner rather than later is best as you and your boyfriend become more serious. Ask how many children, if any, your partner is interested in having. Being compatible on this issue is important and is something that will cement a deep connection.