Why do I miss my friend so much?
They mean a lot to you. If you have a friend that you spend high-quality time with, it’s totally understandable that you feel a little sad when you’re no longer together. Being around the people we care about is an important part of our mental health, after all!
You’re missing the good times you used to have together. If you’re missing an old or ex friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while, you might be feeling nostalgic for all the activities you used to do together. This could especially be true if your friendship ended abruptly, like if the two of you had a falling out, or if they’ve suddenly started spending a lot of time with a significant other. Grief isn’t exclusive to the end of a romantic relationship, or even death. It’s normal—and okay—to experience for the loss of a friendship, too.
You spend a lot of time together. If you’re feeling a bit lonely and gloomy when you aren’t hanging out, your feelings could point to how much time you typically spend together. If you’re used to spending every waking moment with your best friend, it’s understandable that you might feel a sense of loss when you aren’t together.
You don’t get to see each other as much anymore. If you or your friend recently moved, or one of you had a major schedule change that impacted your social calendar, you might not get to spend a lot of quality time together, which could definitely lead to you missing them.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Yes, it’s totally normal to miss your friends. The feeling of missing your friend (and the loneliness that comes with it, especially) can be an incredibly isolating feeling. When you’re stuck in that headspace, it’s easy to feel like your experiences are “wrong,” or that you shouldn’t be missing your friend at all. Remember: you’re not alone. Around 1 in 10 teens/young adults report feeling lonely at one point or another, with 70% of youths admitting to feeling lonely during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.
What to Do When You Miss Your Friend
Reconnect if you think it could be good for your mental health. Dorsay urges you not to “overthink it—just call. Many people feel like they have to call either with something to offer or to celebrate a specific occasion, like a birthday,” but it’s okay to just go for it. Dorsay strongly recommends using the phone to reconnect, as it allows you to “really feel the person’s feelings.” If you don’t get an answer right away, he suggests leaving a voice mail rather than hanging up. Not sure what to say? Dorsay suggests trying something like: “Gosh, it’s been 5 years! I don’t know how 1,825 days have gone by without us talking, but I realized that I really want to resume contact with you. Feel free to shoot me a text or let me know if you’ve got some time to talk.” Don’t feel like you have to reconcile right away, though. If your friendship didn’t end on a great note, it could be worth giving yourself some space to grow, heal, and reflect before taking steps to reforge your friendship.
Talk to your friend to address a lack of quality time in your relationship. Maybe your friend recently started dating someone, or another new obligation has made you feel like a low priority in their life. Use “I” statements to address the problem, which allow you to express yourself without putting the blame on your friend. “When you spend all your free time with Avery, I feel like I’m not a priority in your life, as we’re no longer spending quality time together. I would love to set a monthly hangout time so we can stay in touch.” “I feel sad when we aren’t able to hang out in person for weeks at a time. I would love to see you somewhat regularly so I can stay caught up on what’s happening in your life.”
Try to reconcile if an argument is keeping you apart. Find the time to have a private, one-on-one conversation with your friend if you’re on bad terms. As tough as it may be, give them a chance to explain their side of things, and share your perspective as well. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, but having an open and honest dialogue can help pave the way for reconciliation. As you talk with your friend, make it clear that you miss spending time with them, and that you’d like things to go back to the way they were.
Make time to talk if you can’t see each other anymore. If you or your friend recently moved (or one of you experienced a big schedule change), it’s important to still make time for one another so you can enjoy each other’s company. Think about having a regularly scheduled hang-out with your friend, whether it’s once a week or once a month. You’re less likely to miss your friend if you’re always looking forward to seeing them!
Keep your distance if the friendship isn’t benefitting you. Dorsay encourages you to “take a step back and ask yourself in a very businesslike manner: is this a relationship that’s helping me? Am I helping my friend? Is it a reciprocal relationship, or is it one-way? Is it unhealthy both ways?” If your friendship isn’t healthy or serving you well in the long term, you’re better off keeping your distance. As much as you may miss someone, it’s important to put your own mental health and emotional well-being first. As Dorsay puts it, “Time is our only nonrenewable resource. We can lose our health and money and get both back, but we can’t lose our time and get it back.” If spending time with this person isn’t the best use of your time, you shouldn’t do it. Not sure if your friendship is worth keeping? Dorsay suggests doing the “Drive Away Test,” where you identify your feelings about a friend after you part ways with (or “drive away” from them). “After hanging out with your friend as you’re driving away, do you feel happier? Do you feel known and heard? Or do you feel like your friend basically took up all the air time and didn’t really listen to you or take interest?”
Make friends through new activities. Rather than relying on a single friend to fulfill your social needs, think about forging new connections rooted in hobbies and activities that you really enjoy. It’s easy to meet people with similar interests through resources like: MeetUp Social media groups (e.g., Facebook Groups) Multiplayer video games Book clubs Nearby events and festivals
Keep yourself distracted. Rather than focusing on your friend, try redirecting your energy to something completely different to help keep your mind off things, like: Organizing your room Exploring your family tree Learning a new craft, like knitting or crocheting Studying a new language Learning a new sport Taking free classes on a site that offers free courses (like Coursera)
Immerse yourself in a social setting. If you’re missing your friend, it might help to spend time in a place where you can still be surrounded by people and social energy. Spend an afternoon in a place that lots of people tend to frequent, like a shopping mall, a coffee shop, a library, or some other environment that you’d really enjoy.
Treat yourself with kindness. When you’re feeling lonely, it’s easy for negative thoughts to monopolize your headspace. Instead of indulging these thoughts, practice these healthy habits: Pinpointing: Try to figure out which negative thoughts tend to bother you the most. Debating: Instead of giving into to your mean thoughts, counteract them with logical questions and facts. For example, you might ask something like “Is that certain?” or “Would I be this harsh to a friend experiencing the same feelings?” Changing: Reforge the negative thought into a helpful and more productive one. For example, “I’ll never reconnect with my old friend” could be transformed to “If I give myself the space to heal and grow, I might reconnect with my old friend someday.”
Share how you’re feeling with others. As isolated as you may feel currently, loneliness is not a rare experience—your friends and loved ones can all likely relate to some extent. Don’t be afraid to open up and explain how you’ve been feeling about your friend. It’ll feel good to get it off your chest, if nothing else!
People Share Their Experiences
“I gave myself room to grow and heal before reconnecting with a close friend in my life.” When I was in school, I had a really bad falling out with an online friend of mine. Things got really messy at first, to the point where we had each other mutually blocked on social media. We didn’t talk for several months, which was for the best—in that time, I was able to reflect and learn from my mistakes. Later in the year, with the help of a mutual friend, we were able to apologize, reconnect, and identify where things went wrong. Now, they’re now one of my closest friends!” - staff writer Janice T.
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