Subtle Ways to Act Like You Didn't Pass Gas

• Keep a warm, neutral, relaxed expression on your face and go about your business like nothing happened. Freezing or looking too blank seems suspicious.
• Or, try making a slightly disgusted face to make it seem like you’re getting a whiff of someone else’s gas to get the suspicion off of you.
• Make an excuse to leave the room or start walking to separate yourself from the odor, or join a crowd of people to make it hard to pinpoint who broke wind.

Pretending You Didn’t Pass Gas

Don't react to the fart. The surest way to let everyone know it was you is to immediately look worried or ashamed, so if you're around others and one gets loose, don't overreact—in fact, don't react at all. This is the opposite of what most people would do, so a strong display of ignorance will point people's suspicions another way. To keep a poker face, relax your facial and jaw muscles and keep a slightly warm expression (don’t look extra cold or blank, or you may seem suspicious). Talk more deeply and slowly. If the fart is too loud or smells too bad to realistically ignore, you may have to orchestrate an escape plan. Look perplexed, create a distraction, and get out of there.

Go about your business as if nothing happened. Carry on with whatever activity you were doing without interruption. If you don't actively “pause” the moment by showing surprise, others may not notice at all. If they do, they'll probably have the dignity not to question who the culprit was. It's not uncommon to detect strange noises without knowing the source, and there will be no reason for anyone to assume that the sound they heard was a fart, or that it came from you in particular.

Act mildly grossed out to shift suspicion away from you. If the noise or smell is starting to get noticed, don't quietly accept the blame. Look around and feign disgust or confusion to let everyone know it could have been anyone in the room. Most people will be too concerned about others thinking they did it to be motivated to get to the bottom of things. Don’t directly accuse a particular person of passing gas. Since you're trying to sidestep embarrassment yourself, pinning it on someone else is a dishonorable move. Some light laughter can help alleviate the awkwardness of the situation whether others suspect it was you or not. Make a quick joke or chuckle, then shift topics.

Blame the dog (or something else nearby that’s smelly). It’s a classic excuse—just blame the dog, if there happens to be one around, for an especially offensive intestinal assault. Babies also make sterling scapegoats for the more experienced fart-hider. Some might even find it cute if they think it was an innocent newborn, never knowing that it was actually you. You'll need to stick pretty close to the dog if you want this tactic to be convincing. People will eventually catch on if the dog is all the way across the living room. Or, try pinning the blame on other smelly objects in your environment like trash cans, truck exhaust, or factories.

Avoiding Suspicion after Farting

Excuse yourself politely to leave the room. Your company will think you're simply going to wash your hands or grab a glass of water, or that you've left something in the other room. In reality, you're being courteous enough to withdraw and avoid a scene after accidentally passing gas. While this is the most secretive method, making a break for it won't always be possible. If you happen to be in a time and place where you can't excuse yourself, you may have to try out another approach.

Walk it off. Give yourself a reason to walk away after an accidental fart. This is perhaps the best way to conceal a fart when airing one out in the open, for several reasons. First, the motion of walking will help wave away the emission, dissipating it faster. Second, the smell will quickly disperse in the open air and you'll already be moving away from the source of the stink. Breaking into a walk will provide a welcome diversion after the sound (if there was one), and the gust itself will be harder to identify with the surrounding distractions.

Join a crowd of at least 3 other people. With more people around, it becomes difficult to tell exactly who broke wind. This strategy requires a poker face, as it's likely that someone in the group may have heard or smelled the outburst. Often, you can rely on the good social graces of others not to draw attention to it out of fear that someone will think it was them. If you're the type who blushes easily or can’t pull one over on an unsuspecting crowd, consider finding an isolated place to take refuge after easing out a surprise fart.

Mask the scent quickly with scented lotion, perfume, or gum. If you’ve farted and the sound has gone unnoticed, spritz yourself with perfume or cologne, rub on some scented lotion, throw something fragrant in the microwave, or do anything that creates an alternate smell. The smell can be pleasant or unpleasant—as long as it’s not a fart smell, you’ll be good.

Farting Discreetly

Bend, crouch, or reposition yourself to spread your buttcheeks apart. If you feel a breeze coming on down below and circumstances allow, get into a position where you can bend over or crouch down. In these positions, the bowels are less obstructed and you can let loose without worrying so much about waking the neighbors. Doing this will not mitigate the smell if there are discerning noses around, however. Also try relaxing your sphincter and releasing your gas slowly to minimize the noise and fart quietly. This method may be a lifesaver to those who work physical jobs or often partake in activities where they can move around freely, especially if you’re outside.

Mask your fart with other noises. If you're in a quiet room, you may need a sonic diversion. Try coughing, exclaiming loudly, or dropping objects for stealthy cheese-cutting, but get as creative as you please. Work the toot into a well-timed bout of laughter, or wait until someone opens a bag of chips. Act natural about the cover noise you're generating. If the problem gets to be too much for you to handle at an important social event, you may have to just bite the bullet and let it go. If you’re in a noisy area, like out on the street, you can probably get away with a moderately noisy fart without anyone you’re with noticing.

Choose a soft surface for sitting. The softer and more plush a seating surface is, the more it will act as soundproofing for your down-under disruptions. Pick a cozy office or conference chair that can withstand the brunt of your blasts, or opt for the worn old sofa over the swanky leather recliner whenever possible. If you're careful, you should be able to expel as much flatulence as you need without having to get up. Soft cushions can also absorb about 50% of the odor, making your fart less noticeable. Avoid hard surfaces, like park benches or wooden chairs, or “reflective” surfaces, like leather and hard rubber, when you're gassy. These materials amplify impactful sounds, including your antagonistic farts.

Release your fart sooner than later to avoid a noisy buildup. Your gas is going to come out one way or another, so look for an opportunity to let it go discreetly or make your way to a bathroom. Holding your gas can cause bloating, discomfort, or even abdominal pain—and when it eventually bursts out, it may be much louder than if you had released it earlier.