Talking To Your Partner about Oral Sex: Giving & Receiving

• Ask your partner about their desires and fantasies, and share some of your own. Spice up your sex life in other ways before trying oral sex.
• Talk to your partner about your desire for more oral sex, and ask them if there’s anything you can do to make it more pleasurable for them.
• If your partner doesn’t want to perform oral sex, you can talk about why, but you need to respect their decision.

Approaching the Topic Respectfully

Talk about your sexual desires and fantasies together. This can be an awkward conversation to bring up, but it is also a light-hearted and fun conversation once you both agree not to judge each other. What fantasies or styles do you like? What silly but sexy ideas rev your engines? Do you share any? Remember, this isn't a deep, serious conversation, but it brings up the sort of conversational intimacy that can lead to discussion of oral sex: Start the conversation with something like, “Do you have any fantasies that you’ve always wanted to try?” Make lists of your top five dream places to have sex, even if some of them are unlikely or humorous. Browse through a sex book or website like Kama Sutra, noting fun or adventurous positions to try. Share any fantasies or secret desires together, asking hers as well. If you can find ways to make both of you happy, this conversation will get much easier.

State your desires in plain, open terms. Once you're talking about sex, don't try to beat around the bush or try subtly get your partner to bring up oral sex. You need to be upfront if you expect your partner to be the same. Remember that your sex life is shared, not yours alone, and to make this about both of you, not just them. "I'd like to find ways to bring more oral sex into our lives." "I think the two of us should start exploring oral sex, if we're both comfortable." "I really enjoy us going down on each other, and I'd like to try and make it a more important part of our sex life."

Listen to your partner's opinions without comment, giving them the floor. Listen, even if it's not what you want to hear. They may or may not have much to say, and what they says might not be to your liking. You have addressed your desires, and even if your partner says no, they ate aware of what you'd like. It will stay in their head, and if you're nothing but supportive, respectful, and understanding then your partner may feel more confident and trusting once they have had a chance to think about it on their own terms. It’s normal to get emotional as you listen to your talk, especially if they ate telling you no. Try to control your emotions and keep them in check so your partner feels comfortable opening up to you.

Avoid bargaining for oral sex. Comments or ideas like "I'll do the dishes for a week if you go down on me" aren't going to build the trust and love needed for a happy sex life. The things that go on in the bedroom are communal, not services that are given for a job well done, no matter what that job is. If you want your partner to feel valued and comfortable (and thus more likely to find common ground), don't treat this like a transaction—treat it like a conversation. If your partner is not comfortable performing oral sex on you, respect their decision, but let them know that it’s an important part of your sex life. Say something like, “I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I just want you to understand that oral sex is important to me.”

Ask why your partner is put off giving or receiving oral sex. Oral sex might not be your partner’s favorite activity, and they probably have a reason for that. Some people feel like they might gag and choke; others just fear getting it wrong or feel too vulnerable. If you can understand why your partner is not interested in performing oral sex, you two can have a much more open and honest conversation. As your partner opens up, don’t try to dismiss their concerns or treat them like they’re invalid. You might not agree, but for your partner these are real issues. Remember that there are likely sexual acts that you, too, are uncomfortable with.

Ask how you can make the experience more pleasant or comfortable for your partner. There are a lot of ways you can make things better for both of you. Maybe your partner would like you to be a little more well groomed, or they’d like you to shower and clean up first. Maybe your partner wanted to talk about oral sex as well, and would like you to also consider going down on them. Whatever the reasons or ideas, you don't know until you ask. Say something like, “Is there anything we could change to make performing oral sex better for you?” or, “Is there something I could do to make you more comfortable?”

Talk about giving oral sex too. Oral sex is a two-way street, and while you absolutely don’t have to do any sexual acts that you don’t want to, your partner may be more open to oral sex if you suggest reciprocation. This is a great way to not only put your partner at ease, but slowly incorporate new things into your shared sex life without making them initiate everything. Try something like, “Would you be more comfortable if I went down on you? We could try it out and see how you feel.” Never use oral sex as a passive aggressive bargaining chip—"I did it, now you should too." This will likely make your partner uncomfortable, which is not a great recipe for a healthy sex life.

Check in about your sex lives regularly. If you're in a committed relationship, talking about your sex life is an important part of making sure that you’re both satisfied. Make it a point to check in with your partner to see how they are feeling about sex. Not only will this improve your sex life, but it will build a healthy relationship together, too. Moreover, it makes it far easier to broach the topic of oral sex when you have a history of open and honest sexual discussions. Start the conversation by asking, “What do you think about our sex life these days?” or, “Are you satisfied in the bedroom?” Once you’re comfortable asking these questions, you can broach the topic of trying new things together (oral sex or otherwise).

Moving Forward Together

Try to keep sex fun and light instead of serious and strict. Ignore the movies, which portray sex as a deeply serious act of soul-wrenching power. More often than not, sex is a fluid, often-awkward, and always fun activity that only you two share. Having a light-hearted attitude may seem like useless advice, but people are way more willing to try something new when they can laugh off any initial issues or awkwardness If you like something in the moment, let them know! This is the best way to build comfort, trust, and a great shared sex life. If something goes "wrong," simply smile! If something goofy happens, like you fall off the bed somehow, don't be afraid to laugh—it won't kill the mood. Successful sex lives are about feeling calm and comfortable, and no one is more at ease than when smiling and laughing with their significant other.

Spice up your sex life in other ways if oral sex seems too far off. If you feel like oral sex is something you want, but it is maybe moving things too quickly, start with smaller adventures. Make a bigger deal of foreplay, which is a safe way to take small risks and learn more about each other. Try some dirty talk. Kiss all over each other's bodies, getting comfortable with every inch of each other. As these thresholds are crossed, oral sex will become less of a big topic and more of a natural next step. Not sure whether or not your partner is enjoying something? Check in by asking, “Does that feel good?” This gives them a chance to either tell you to keep going or to redirect you somewhere else. Let her know when you like something that they are doing, too. This will boost their confidence and encourage them to be more adventurous.

Let your partner initiate oral sex after your discussion. Making demands or constantly asking about oral sex could make your partner feel pressured, which is the opposite of what you want. You've said your piece, and they've said theirs, and there is no need to start pushing it now. When your partner is ready, they'll initiate things themselves. If you've discussed ways to bring oral sex into your relationship, and several weeks or months pass without any change, bring the conversation back up during a quiet, respectful moment outside of the bedroom.

Let your partner have control of their body, choosing their own speed and style. Your partner needs to feel completely safe. Make sure they knows, if you hold their head or hair while engaging in such intimate relations, you'll always maintain enough control of yourself to be able to avoid restraining your partner's head in the heat of passion. It's fine, and can even be desirable, to hold hair out of the way, or place your hand on your partner's head or shoulder, but it should be in a way that's very gentle and comforting. If your partner becomes uncomfortable and wants to stop early, that's okay. Remember that, for a person who may not enjoy oral sex, these first steps will help them become more comfortable over time.

Ask what was enjoyable or what they'd like to try next time after sex. This isn't a debriefing, and you don't have to do it every single time you sleep together (it will get old, fast), but you should feel free to talk about your sex life together. After the act, as you're hanging out and cuddling, ask what your partner enjoyed. Figure out if there are some things they can do without, and be sure to keep it light and laugh-filled. You're a couple, and you likely discuss every meal you cook after eating it—there is no reason you can't share this same openness after sex. Keep the conversation light by asking something like, “So, how was that for you?” or, “Any notes for me?” If you are just exploring oral sex, let your partner know how much you enjoyed it! Staying silent may make them feel like it was unappreciated or, worse, that they are no good at it and shouldn't keep exploring.

Accept that your partner might never enjoy or want to engage in oral sex. Different people are aroused by different sexual acts. Just because you talk and listen to and do all of the above, does not entitle you after any amount of time to expect your partner to "come around" on the subject. The same is true for yourself. If your partner suggested an act that you simply don't enjoy, you would not want to engage in it, regardless of how nicely they asked you about it. Respect your partner's decision.

Pleasuring Your Partner

Ask your partner what they like about having oral sex performed on them. Talking about oral sex isn't just about your needs. As a couple, you've both got a responsibility to help each other enjoy your sex life, meaning you should bring up your own questions about what to do and what they like when talking about oral sex. "Do you like it when I go down on you?" "Are there things we can do to make sex more enjoyable for us?" "I'd like to bring more oral sex into the bedroom for us both—what do you think?"

Let them lead the discussion, putting their needs first. This isn't the time to push your wants and desires, this is about them. Oral sex is frequently something one partner does for the other, letting them relax while you pleasure them exclusively. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't enjoy it and feel comfortable as well (you absolutely should!) but that you should place their pleasure first as long as it falls in your comfort zone. If your partner is uncomfortable about oral sex, ask why. Sometimes, people are incorrectly led to believe their genitals are "dirty" or "shameful," and that no one wants to be there. Assure your partner, for you, that this isn't the case. Are there things your knows they don't like? Things they know she love?

Be honest and upfront about your own desires, concerns, and hold ups. If you want your partner to be honest about their feelings, you've got to do the same. Not everyone feels equally comfortable with oral sex, and that's okay—this is why you're talking about it. In order to best help your partner enjoy oral sex, you'll need to be comfortable too. That means admitting if parts of oral sex make you uncomfortable or, on the flip side, if you'd really like to start giving oral sex more often than you do now. What stuff is off limits to you? What things would you like to add or try in the future? How do you feel about performing oral sex?

Use oral sex as foreplay to begin learning together. The pressure of completely pleasuring your partner through oral sex is very high, especially if it is a relatively new act. Instead, use oral sex to "warm up" for things you're more comfortable with. You'll both be more willing to experiment, and you can slowly work up to longer or more intimate acts without the pressure of one person doing all of the work.

Pay attention to feedback in the act. Your partner is the only one who can say if something feels good or isn't doing much, so listen to them! Assure your partner that you won't be offended they tell you to try something else, as this is the only way to learn what works for their body. Even more importantly, have your partner clue you in when you're doing something good, helping you focus in on the things they need and love. Listen to your partner's voice, moans, and body language as well. Remember to pay attention to them, not yourself, for the best experience. If your partner is not comfortable talking during sex, or giving feedback, consider a simpler system—perhaps they can tug your hair lightly if they like something, or they can tap your shoulder if what you're doing isn't quite working. If your partner seems to enjoy something, keep doing it. Pleasuring your partner is not some complex game of chess—stick to what works!

Always ask consent before moving forward, especially if you've never tried something before. New positions, experiments, and tricks are an exciting part of your sex life, but that doesn't mean they should be surprising! Asking consent doesn't mean killing the mood or stopping sex in its tracks -- you can easily make it a part of foreplay or light dirty talk (ex. "I really want to ______, would you like that?"). Consent is an ongoing process between lovers, not a single conversation, but this actually makes it easier to stay on the same page in bed. If you're trying to bring oral sex into your sex life with some spontaneity, first say: "Would you like if we tried ________" "Do you want me to continue?" "I'm going to _______. Tell me if you don't like it!"

Ask what parts they liked after you're done. A good place to start might be things you thought you did well, suggesting "did you like it when I tried __________" or "would you like it if I kept doing __________ more often?" Don't pressure your partner for an answer—many times they will be too engrossed in the sex to stop and think about what they liked—but just asking is a good way to show that their pleasure is a priority for you.