- If someone’s avoiding your gaze, it may be because they’re shy or have social anxiety. Eye contact makes them nervous, so they try looking elsewhere.
- Another possible reason is that they might have a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism or ADHD. In this case, eye contact can be overstimulating.
- Sometimes, someone averts their gaze if they like you as more than a friend. They may think that looking you in the eyes will reveal their feelings.
They’re shy.
Insecurities could make someone avoid eye contact. More often than not, if someone avoids your gaze, it’s likely because they’re naturally shy or reserved. It has nothing to do with you or who you are—they’re simply timid! Perhaps they’re more introverted or get nervous in social settings. Either way, they don’t mean to offend. It may be easier for them to communicate without looking you in the eye. This type of behavior is often paired with shuffling feet, staying toward the back of a crowd, speaking quietly, and blushing. Try making them more comfortable by introducing yourself and using gentle conversation starters. Try saying something like, “Hi, I’m David. We’re in the same history class. Do you know when our homework assignment’s due?”
They have social anxiety.
Social anxiety disorder makes it difficult to maintain eye contact. Social anxiety is an intense fear of being watched or judged by others. It’s more than shyness and can cause someone to get incredibly anxious in social settings. Because of this, those with social anxiety often avoid looking people in the eye in an attempt to work through their fears. Along with avoiding eye contact, someone with social anxiety disorder may also blush, sweat, and have stiff posture in social settings. Make someone with social anxiety more comfortable by offering to take the conversation elsewhere. Try different methods of communication, like texting or emailing, to remove face-to-face interactions.
They may be autistic.
Avoiding eye contact is an early sign of autism spectrum disorder. For many on the autistism spectrum, avoiding eye contact helps them desensitize themselves from sensory overload. Looking someone in the eyes can be too emotionally and physically stimulating or distressing, so they’ll avert their gaze to help themselves stay present in the moment. If you know someone is already autistic, this is likely why they’re avoiding your gaze. It’s not to be mean! They’re simply trying to adapt to their surroundings. If you don’t know if someone’s autistic, avoid jumping to conclusions. Rather than asking someone about their health, treat them with respect regardless—the best thing you can do is be kind!
They might have ADHD.
Hyperactivity may make it difficult for someone to hold eye contact. ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in children. Those with ADHD have a hard time sitting still, and their high energy levels can make it difficult to concentrate on people and conversations. Because of this, eye contact may be hard for them. Someone with ADHD might forget or lose things often, fidget or squirm, talk a lot, and have trouble focusing on specific tasks. Similarly to autism, avoid making assumptions about someone. Instead, be respectful and kind no matter what—you never know exactly why someone may have a hard time keeping your gaze.
They like you romantically.
If someone likes you, they may do everything they can to avoid your gaze. Nervous butterflies flutter in their stomach whenever they see you, and they fear that looking you in the eyes will telepathically scream, “I like you!” They likely want to hide their true feelings, and averting your gaze is easier than facing you head-on. More often than not, you can tell someone likes you in cases like this if they sneak glances at you when they think you’re not looking. This is often the case when a man avoids eye contact with a woman he likes but can’t be associated with (i.e., he’s already in a relationship). He fears that looking the woman in the eyes will ignite his lust for her and drive him to break his previous vows or devotions. Alternatively, if someone likes you and isn’t afraid to hide it, they may hold your gaze longer than necessary. If you have feelings for them, say so! This can help ease their nerves. If you don’t like them that way, express it. Use language like “friend” and “pal” to kindly put them in the friendzone.
They’re not interested in the conversation.
Minimal eye contact might mean they don’t want to talk anymore. Eye contact is a sign of engagement, and a lack of it may mean they want to end the conversation. Perhaps they’re not interested in the topic being discussed or have other things on their mind. Either way, if they’re suddenly fidgety and offer vague responses to your questions, they may be bored. Chances are, someone who’s not interested in the discussion will start looking elsewhere—the scenery behind you, what’s on their plate, their nails, etc. See if they’re paying attention to the conversation by asking a question that requires an answer. If they don’t respond with an adequate answer, it may be time to change topics.
They’re uncomfortable.
Avoiding eye contact may be a sign of emotional discomfort. Sometimes, people will avoid eye contact in high-pressure social situations. This may have something to do with you or not. Take a look at these example instances: Let’s pretend you’re someone’s boss and call them in for a meeting. They may avoid eye contact because they're nervous about what you might say as their superior. If something like this occurs, ease their worries with a kind smile and positive attitude. Say you’re on a date, and they suddenly avoid eye contact despite holding it with you before. You might have said or done something to offend them. If this happens, be bold and ask them what’s wrong. Be kind and say something gentle like, “Is something wrong? I noticed you seem distracted.”
They’re angry.
If someone’s upset, they may not want to look at you. Think about the last argument you were in. When words flew, did you look the other person in the eye? Chances are, you probably didn’t. This logic can apply to anyone. It can be difficult to find someone’s gaze when you're angry or upset, especially when emotions are running high. Consider the situation at hand. If they are avoidant of you after a disagreement or show signs of anger, like aggression or red features, they may not be able to look you in the eyes because they’re angry with you. If they’re angry, don’t hold their avoidant eye contact against them. Instead, work on diffusing the situation and come together to talk once you’ve both cooled down.
They’re thinking.
Deep thoughts could make someone avoid eye contact. More often than not, when someone’s in deep thought, they drop their gaze to concentrate on what’s going on in their head. This may seem like avoidant behavior on the surface, but they don’t mean it to be! They may not even know you’re trying to talk to them. This type of avoidance is often paired with a blank stare, fidgeting, and/or stillness. If this happens, give them time to think. When they blink and return their attention to the conversation, repeat your question or ask what they were thinking about.
They might be hiding something.
A common sign of lying is minimal eye contact. If someone’s being deceptive, they may unintentionally avert their gaze. They feel guilty for whatever they’ve done, and because of this, they can’t look you in the eye. It’s important to note that no scientific, psychological research supports this interpretation. Many behavioral experts even argue that the best liars are the ones who can lock eyes with those they’re deceiving.
They have different cultural expectations.
Some cultures have different norms for eye contact. In Western cultures, eye contact is a positive, friendly sign and is generally expected in just about every conversation. However, in some East Asian cultures, averting your gaze may be the most respectful thing to do. For instance, in Japanese culture, people are taught not to maintain eye contact because too much eye contact is a sign of disrespect. Be wary and respectful of other people’s cultural backgrounds and traditions. Just because someone avoids eye contact with you doesn’t mean you can’t have a conversation! If you’re traveling to an Eastern country, be aware of eye contact expectations before you arrive. This way, you won’t offend or disrespect anyone unintentionally. Find eye contact cultural traditions by searching “[the area or country you’re visiting] eye contact rules” online.
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