India

Red flags! You're about to be dumped

Sanskrit17

Editor

posted on 15 years ago — updated on 1 second ago

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Analyse your relationship before you take it forward.

You've been dating this guy for a gazillion years and you still don't have a sparkling rock on your finger? Red flag!

Why, you ask? Take for example, Jennifer Aniston (Beth) and Ben Affleck (Neil) in He's Just Not That Into You (a must-watch for everyone). Together for seven years and no marriage proposal. How long could she settle for something she didn't really want? Finally, she had to call it quits. But the real question is: if he was really 'into' her, why would he let her dump him?

Before you go fast-forwarding to the proposal, remember, in all likelihood you are not the exception, you are the rule! If you've watched the movie you'll know what I mean.

Anyway, if you are wondering whether he's really into you, stick with me for the rest of the relationship red flags!

Karen D'Silva , 23, a journalist from Mumbai tells us how she was dumped, or rather, coaxed into doing the dumping.

I guess I had the longest breakup ever. It took me a year and a half. Ron and I were good friends, but while I was totally in love with him, what he felt for me was mere attraction. But I overlooked that (which I should not have) thinking he will come through someday.

He took things easy. He met other friends (read: girls) for parties which he never took me to. However, I still kept holding on thinking things would change.

I don't know if I was his girlfriend, but I was certainly his maid, cook, laundry person, mom, nurse and what not. In short, I was the doormat. Sigh!

After a while, I could not take it anymore, and we started fighting almost everyday over little things. In the end, I just broke up with him. And yet, while I felt this pit in my stomach when I said goodbye, he seemed to be so relieved.

How it finally ended

After the breakup, he wanted to be "friends". He needed me! (Of course he did! after all, I was his maintenance ticket) So he kept in touch. For a change, he would call me out for dinners, lunches, weekends. I was surprised. I thought he was a changed man. I thought things would work out. I just didn't know he wanted everything with 'no strings attached'.

Slowly (but surely), I just got more and more angry with him. Then one fine day, he got himself another girlfriend. And that was the last day I spoke to him. Still it took me another six months to get over him, but I finally have.

Red flags!

You feel like you are putting in all the effort into the relationship and getting nothing in return.
You've been in a relationship for more than a couple of months and your partner still won't include you in certain social circles (and I'm not talking about meeting the parents).
He/ she starts picking fights with you over little things.
Your relationship seems more like a 'friends with benefits' arrangement.

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Samyukta Chatterjee, 29, a fashion consultant from Delhi broke up with her boyfriend overnight but she admits that there may have been warnings signs she missed.

Ritesh and I were in a steady relationship for over three years but in the last seven to eight months he seemed like a different person.

We had planned to get engaged. Then about 2 months before the engagement he told me that he felt we should wait for a while till he was more settled in his career, which to me was a perfectly good reason. However, he wouldn't give me any time frame. I didn't want to put any pressure on him because I didn't want to seem overbearing.

Gradually, Ritesh began distancing himself from me. We would rarely ever meet. Work was always his excuse. I would have to beg him to meet me. At times, we would meet after a three or four weeks and he would bring a friend or sibling along!

Then one day he began talking to one of his ex-flames. He had stopped talking to her when we started dating because she couldn't seem to keep her paws off him. Then suddenly they began talking and meeting each other. When I asked him why, he just said he doesn't see why he shouldn't.

How it finally ended

We were out on a date when the topic of marriage came up. We got into a heated argument, but not something we hadn't argued about before. Ritesh was more worked up than usual. He yelled at me, I started crying and then... he just got up and left!

That was it. He has never called me again and neither have I called him.

Red flags!

He/ she postpones a planned engagement without giving you good solid reasons or a definite time frame.
He/ she starts avoiding your calls.
He/ she is too busy with work all of a sudden to even hang out, let alone plan a nice evening for just the two of you.
He/ she prefers spending time with other friends, ex-flames or estranged friends in particular.

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Tarun Gupta, 32, a marketing professional from Mumbai says that he would generally put the warning signs down to PMS.

I had my first serious girlfriend when I was doing my last year of college. Five years later, she broke up with me. But if I think back to that time, I should have predicted it a year before the actual break-up.

Antara had started modelling and her work required her to travel abroad a lot. So I would try to meet her whenever she was in Mumbai. Whenever we did meet, she always seemed preoccupied like she had some place to be. Also, she would never leave her cell phone near me. If I asked her about her trips abroad, she was rather evasive.

Of course, because we rarely ever met, our sex life was at an all-time low (laughs). Not that it was deal breaker for me or anything but she never ever seemed interested in sex. I didn't really bring up the topic with her because I didn't want to be like one of those guys who fights with his girlfriend because she's 'not in the mood'.

But the worst was the idiotic fights she would pick with me -- stuff like my mother doesn't like her (totally untrue!) and I don't love her enough. I would just tell myself that it's probably PMS.

How it finally ended

She was out of town for a couple of weeks and when she got back she came straight over to my house something she had never done. She told me that couldn't go on with this relationship anymore and that she didn't love me. I was really shocked and hurt and felt betrayed but the fact that she was so frank about it made it easier for me to deal with it.

Red flags!

He/ she is secretive and doesn't want to tell you what's going on even if you probe.
Your sex life is non-existent. It probably means that your significant other's sexual needs are being met elsewhere.
He/ she keeps bringing up issues (not serious ones) on which the two of you disagree.
He/ she always accuses you of not loving him/ her back no matter what you do.

The names have been changed