- Surprise your wife with a thoughtful gesture you know she loves. You might buy her flowers, cook her dinner, or take her on a romantic date.
- Be supportive and really listen to her. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and let her vent, gossip, or simply talk.
- Compliment your wife to keep the romance and spark alive. Tell her that she’s beautiful, whether she’s wearing a new dress or sweatpants.
Take advice but trust your instincts.
You can find good advice on the internet. There are many thousands of web pages dedicated to telling you how to make the special woman in your life feel beautiful, appreciated, and loved — including this one, of course. Remember, however, that you are not trying to make a generic “woman” feel loved, but rather that one unique woman in the world, your wife. Some women want to be showered with gifts, others get more pleasure out of the money you saved on the grocery bill. Some want to be treated like a princess, others like a true equal. Use the tips here as a guide, then, not a guarantee. Please also note that, because this article is most likely to be consulted by husbands seeking to make their wives feel more loved, some generalizations on marriage roles and gender traits may appear within the steps. However, most of the advice should be more broadly applicable to your particular situation.
Show you know her best.
Perform a gesture that caters to what she likes. For instance, you'll find lots of advice columns that say bring her bouquets of flowers—but you know she really prefers a big slice of good cheesecake. As her spouse, you (hopefully) know her better than anyone else in the world, and one of the best ways to make her feel loved is to prove this point. Dr. John Gottman, a recognized authority in the field, speaks of "enhancing your love map." Essentially, what this means is getting to know each other's worlds (history, current concerns, hopes and dreams, etc.) even better and using this mutual knowledge to strengthen your bond. If your map of her world is a bit lacking in detail, work on becoming more open and interested in listening and learning. Other sections of this article should be of use in doing so. Think about activities and experiences that have made your wife happiest. Take notes on them if necessary. If she loves a good adventure, make that a priority. If the simple pleasures of a quiet night together sitting on the couch makes the mark, go that route. In some ways, you may know her better than she knows herself. So don't always just do what she says she wants from you to make her feel loved. Listen, observe, learn, draw on your history together, and do what you know will make her feel loved.
Do the little things.
Grand gestures certainly have their place, but little gestures are just as important. Big, loving gestures are a bit like shots of “love adrenaline." On a day-to-day basis, small gestures of affection and appreciation provide the steady energy needed to sustain love over the long haul. Can you make her feel loved by taking out the trash without being asked, volunteering to take the kids to soccer practice, or doing the dishes before she has a chance to get to them? You might be surprised how much power little daily activities like these can have to make her feel valued in your relationship. Show her you're thinking of her. Leave her a little note in the morning. Send her a text with encouraging words before her big presentation at work. Don't just remember her birthday — remember her mother's birthday. Few things make someone feel more loved than being able to honestly believe that the person you love is thinking of you at that very moment.
Surprise her.
Yes indeed, that trip to Paris and diamond necklace do help to make her feel loved. But surprises don't always have to be big to be pleasant and loving. Take her, unannounced, on fancy date nights. Make reservations to a nice restaurant, get tickets to a show, line up a babysitter, even surprise her with a limo ride if you want. Leave new earrings on the bed that you know she'll like. Woo her all over again, every once in a while. Especially if your wife responds most to "quality time," just making an extra effort sometimes will pay dividends. Leave that paperwork behind every so often and come home a bit early just to be with her. Go for a walk, make dinner together, or do whatever else may come to mind with your unexpected free time together. Yes, there are a million tasks at work and home you could be doing, but be a little “irresponsible” in order to give her some one-on-one time.
Make her feel beautiful.
It is a safe bet that everyone likes feeling attractive to the person they love. Never assume she knows you still find her as lovely as the day you married her — tell her. A lot. Don't get caught looking at other women, as this can send a bad message. Just as importantly, get caught looking at her from time to time. Let her feel your eyes on her when she tries on that new dress, or even when she's in sweats for that matter. It the timing is right (probably not in public) and you know she will appreciate it, go over-the-top and give her a catcall or wolf-whistle. Never, ever, compare her negatively to the appearance of another woman, or even an old picture of herself. She knows that over the years, some parts of her have changed shape or shifted positions. Let her know that you find the beauty in her as she is now.
Prioritize her with your actions.
Do whatever is in your power to ease her burden. Nobody said love was easy, or came without work or sacrifice. While "old-fashioned gentleman" notions like holding open doors and pulling out chairs may or may not be appreciated, gestures clearly intended as signs of attention, respect, and affection likely will be. Much depends upon how you portray your efforts. Don't carry in the groceries or pump the gas for her because you don't think she can do it. Do them to make her day that tiny bit easier. Do them with a smile, not a grumble. You are also likely to earn admiration, and it is easier to feel loved by someone you admire.
Take time to really listen to her.
Good listening skills are an essential part of a healthy relationship. Not all women are the same, but it is probably safe to assume that your wife wants you to at least occasionally just sit down and listen to her vent, complain, brag, gossip, revel, question, or simply talk. Dr. John Gottman advises spouses to "turn toward each other" in a more figurative sense, but it is also a good first step for truly listening. Look at your wife when she wants to talk. Keep eye contact. Turn off the TV. Put away your phone. Listen more than you speak, unless she's seeking a response. It is always a good feeling to know that someone is truly interested in what you have to say, however mundane or ridiculous it may be. Listen without trying to fix everything. Sometimes your wife, like everyone else, just wants a sounding board. She might want to vocalize and work through a problem with a co-worker, for instance, and what she needs is a supportive face to look at, not for you to call the office the next day to "set things straight." Being attentive is often the best way to be supportive, which is critical to solving problems that originate both inside and outside the marriage.
Be strong enough to be vulnerable and be helped.
Don't succumb to masculine stereotypes. The prevailing stereotype remains that of the stoic, closed-off husband and the wife who is eager to use her "maternal instinct" to care for him (if he would only "let her in"). However accurate (or wildly inaccurate) this image may be in your situation, letting your guard down and letting your wife into your life more will almost certainly be interpreted as a sign of love. If she wants to baby you a little when you're sick, let her (without taking advantage); if she wants to know how you feel about your mother's death, talk to her about it. Let her be your rock, as you try to be hers. Never be afraid to cry; this is a sign of strength, not weakness. Take it upon yourself to show the bravery to be open, honest, and vulnerable. She didn't marry you because you were perfect. She doesn't always want a knight in shining armor; most of the time at least, she wants you to strip away your armor. Give her the real you, and trust that this will make her feel loved.
Set an example for any children you have.
Take time to show your children that you love them. If you have any children together, they are probably now at the core of her sense of self and purpose, perhaps even in ways they are not for you as a father. Regardless of the shifting terrain about what it means to be a "good" mother or father, being a loving, caring, involved parent is always one of the best ways to show love to your spouse. Think of your children as an extension of your wife, because in many ways they are. In fact, they are an extension of both of you, a new realm of "shared meaning" that binds you together. Make them feel loved, and she will feel it too. Try talking to a few widows and see just how many say something like “he was a good father” as one of their first compliments. Show your children how much you value her, so they will also value her. Compliment your wife in front of the kids. Treat her with respect. Tell her she's beautiful, and give her gifts in their presence, or let them help you do it.
Say “I love you” like you mean it.
Those three little words, properly employed, invariably make anyone feel loved. If "words of affirmation" are your wife's primary "love language," then the phrase becomes even more essential. The offhand “I love you” when you're running out the door to work is good, and usually appreciated. However, don't forget to stop, look her in the eye, and say “I love you” as well. Say it when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're frustrated, when times are good and when they're not so good. Let her know that your love for her is one of the all-too-few constants in her life.
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