- Ask open-ended questions that encourage people to expand on their ideas. Instead of “do you like rock music,” you might ask “what kind of bands do you listen to?”
- Try and find a shared interest when talking to people like movies, books, past experiences, or mutual friends.
- Use a positive, upbeat tone to keep the conversation light and enjoyable.
Tips For Great Conversation
Ask open-ended questions. Lead the conversation by asking quality questions that encourage the other person to think and participate. For example, instead of saying "It's a nice day, isn't it?" Say, "How are you planning to enjoy this beautiful weather?" The first example only requires a yes or no answer, which could be a dead end for the conversation. The second allows the person to share their thoughts, which will make it easier to bounce ideas. Ask clarifying questions, too. For example, you might ask someone “what makes you feel this way?” or “when did this happen?” If the conversation is a negotiation, ask questions aimed at solutions. For example, if you’re having a talk about rules with your teenager, you might ask "I hear you saying that you're frustrated because you feel like you don't have enough freedom. What can we do to find a solution that works for both of us?"
Refer to people by their names. Research shows that people respond better to the sound of their own names. Making a point to remember people's names and use those names in conversation can help increase the personal connection between you two. When you first learn someone's name, repeat it in conversation. For example, if someone says, "Hi, I'm Emily,” say, "It's nice to meet you, Emily." The immediate repetition will help you imprint the name in your memory. It can also help to make a connection to someone’s name. Find someone from your past or a unique quality they have to make their name stand out. You might say “Kristen, like my sister” or “Winston, like Churchill. Are you British?”
Offer a compliment to start things off. Saying something nice is a great (and heartfelt) ice-breaker. Most people respond positively when you compliment them. Try to choose something specific to comment on, smile, and be sincere. Try to compliment things people have control over. For example, if you’re commenting on someone’s appearance, focus on their outfit and their accessories, rather than their body. If you’re talking to a coworker, you might say "I really admire the way you delivered that presentation. Could you give me some tips on how to organize an effective pitch?" If you’re talking to a friend, you might say “It’s so nice to see you! Your humor is always a bright spot in my day.” If you’re talking to a stranger, you might say “Nice shoes! Where did you get them?”
Practice being an active listener. Being an active listener means demonstrating that you are engaged in the discussion. This makes your conversation partner feel valued and respected. You can indicate that you’re actively listening through physical cues like nodding and maintaining eye contact or verbal ones like paraphrasing or affirming their thoughts at appropriate times. Your affirmations can be as simple as "That's interesting!" or more substantial, like "I didn't know that. Can you tell me more about what it physically feels like when you're running a marathon?" Active listening is about retaining and thinking about what the other person is saying. Instead of trying to formulate your response, focus on hearing what they are saying and absorb the information. Always give it a few seconds and address their thoughts first before replying.
Show a genuine interest in other people’s passions. Be sincere in what you talk about with other people. Try to find topics that allow for real moments of connection, and demonstrate that you value people’s opinions when you express them. For example, if you want to get to know your boss better, instead of “how was your weekend?,” ask what got them started with this company, why they like this job, and for advice on dealing with clients. If you want to get to know an in-law better, instead of “how have you been?” you might ask for stories about your partner or how they met theirs. Be on the lookout for signs of people’s interests. Do they have a t-shirt of a specific band? A sticker for a college they went to? These are great hints this person feels strongly enough about these things.
Comment on your surroundings in spur-of-the-moment conversations. Try to start a conversation with someone you encounter in your everyday life at least once a day. Then, use your shared space as a natural topic to connect over. For example, you could try talking to the person in line behind you at your local cafe. You might say "I love the coffee here. What's your favorite roast?" Parks, gyms, and other recreational areas are great spaces for starting conversations, since people are in good moods and you can easily find common ground. For example, in a bookstore, you say to a fellow shopper "This looks interesting. Do you like biographies?"
Strike a positive tone whenever possible. Whether it’s a stranger or a close friend, offering a cheerful comment is usually more effective than saying something negative. In addition, affirming people’s comments and offering positive feedback can boost dopamine and enhance your connection. For example, when making small talk, you might say "Isn't this weather great? I love when it's cool enough to wear sweaters" instead of “Oy, I hate cold weather. Don’t you?” Even if someone’s tone feels dejected or negative, saying yes to those feelings can make them feel validated. For example, if they say “Ugh I hate traffic,” you might say “I know. Traffic sucks. I wish there were an easier way to travel.”
Find common ground. The more common interests you have to connect over, the easier your conversation will be. Ask your conversation partner what they like to do in their free time, where they’re from, or what their family is like, and try to find some common bonds. It might take some time to find the exact common ground, but it will be worth your efforts. Easy topics to find similar interests include: books, movies, and music. Odds are, you have at least one genre you both like. Build from there. If all else fails, most people like good food. Ask someone what their favorite dinner is, and go from there.
Stay current on the news and pop culture. Learning what’s going on in the world doesn’t just make you a more involved citizen; it prepares you for discussions on current events. Take a few minutes each morning to scan the headlines, listen to a popular news and culture podcast like NPR, or even scroll the trending topics on Twitter. This knowledge will allow you to participate in more conversations. Even if they’re all over the news, avoid bringing up controversial topics (politics, religion, etc.) with people. This may lead to an argument rather than a conversation. If you don’t know a lot about a particular subject, just ask. Most people will be happy to catch you up and you learning about it offers a new, easy way to find common ground.
Maintain eye contact and use friendly body language. Facial expressions and physical gestures are a key component of face-to-face conversations. Meet people’s gazes (but don’t stare) to indicate that you’re engaged in the conversation, and use hand gestures to emphasize important points. Try to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time when you are talking and 70% of the time when you are listening. You can communicate with other non-verbal cues too. Try nodding your head to show understanding, or smiling when a positive response is called for. Be aware of the emotion that certain gestures convey. For example, biting your nails may convey nervousness, clenched fists may convey anger, and yawning may convey exhaustion.
Be vulnerable. Conveying your true thoughts and feelings about intimate subjects can help you bond with people. Try offering 1 or 2 new pieces of personal information per conversation (like your goals, your childhood, your insecurities) to deepen your relationship. It can be scary to share these things because you run the risk of being rejected or criticized, but 9/10 times, it’ll pay off and you’ll feel closer to each other. Another easy way to embrace vulnerability is to acknowledge that you’re enjoying someone’s company. If you feel connected with someone after a conversation, tell them.
Avoid oversharing. Personal information is good, but offering too much personal info can make both you and the person you’re talking to feel awkward. Before blurting something out, silently ask yourself ask yourself, "Is this the appropriate person to discuss this with?" Getting personal is good, but you don’t want to create an embarrassing moment. Over-sharing happens a lot when you are nervous or especially eager to make a good impression. If you know you’re entering a stressful situation, take a few deep, calming breaths before you enter the room. Also, take a moment to think about what you're going to say before actually verbalizing your thoughts. You can also try slow-talk, which is when you speak at ⅓ of your normal speed.
End the conversation when you’ve run out of things to discuss. It can be awkward if a conversation goes on too long, and it’s better to leave someone wanting more than overstay your welcome. Pay attention to verbal cues (people summarizing what you talked about, references to other people they’re looking for) and nonverbal cues (checking their phone or watch, acting distracted) to know when it’s time to say goodbye and talk to someone else. Verbal cues to end a conversation might be “glad we got to catch up,” “I should get back to work,” or “keep me updated.” If you’re unsure whether or not a conversation is ready to end, ask yourself: have you learned more about this person, did the conversation finish its original purpose, and has it gone on for more than 10 minutes. If the answer to all 3 is yes, it’s probably best to say goodbye.
Chatting Online
Reach out to make friends in your online communities. Join group chats, browse web forums, and search hashtags of things you like to easily find people with common interests. Then, DM users you like to see if they’d be interested in chatting more. Bringing up your shared passions already creates an easy avenue to great conversation. For example, you might say “Lol your comment on SeinfeldFan33’s post was so funny. Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm too?” or “I really liked the piece you drew in the Discord server. Would you like to chat about art sometime?”
Use features like emoticons and gifs to liven up discussions. While online conversations don’t have the luxury of facial expressions, they offer all sorts of other unique technology to make chats more interesting. Spice up your messages by adding emojis to convey tone or change the background in Zoom meet-ups to show your creativity. Avoid using emojis and gifs in professional emails. Your boss might not appreciate a dancing cat cc’d on your W-2. However, it’s almost certain to get a laugh from your friends and co-workers.
Connect over an online activity. It can be isolating trying to come up with conversation when all you have to look at is a screen. Try and find an activity you can do online together to make it feel more active. You might make a collaborative playlist or play a video game while you talk, just like you might grab a drink or go to a concert when talking to your friends in real life.
Keep texts brief and skimmable. Long blocks of text can be exhausting to read. If you need to express a lot of important ideas, ask if you can call or FaceTime your conversation partner. This way, you’ll be able to get an honest reaction and the speed of the conversation will feel more natural. Otherwise, if you’re just messaging someone, try to keep it under 3 lines at a time. However, this rule is by no means set in stone. If you’re having an intense philosophical discussion where you and your friend are bouncing paragraphs at each other, by all means keep going. When in doubt, mirror the text length of your recipient.
Using Conversation to Improve Your Life
Use conversations to strengthen your personal bonds. Communicating verbally is one of the best ways to build a connection with someone. Try to have in-depth conversations at least once a month with people you really care about. Regularly fill each other in on key life events you may have missed and try to learn at least 2 new things about each other with each discussion. A great way to start quality conversations is through dinner table talk. Avoid watching TV while you eat and, instead, have a conversation over a nice meal with the people you live with (roommates, family, whoever). You don’t have to learn something personal or meaningful every time. Asking fun questions like "If you won the lottery, what would you do first?" are playful and effective ways to learn about someone.
Converse with coworkers to improve your work relationships. Having good conversations is an excellent way to make your work life better. Not only can it help you advance in your profession, but it will make your day-to-day routine more enjoyable. Try talking to your co-workers about things other than work. This will help you connect on a personal level. Then, when you are working on a project together, you will naturally communicate more effectively. Perhaps you've noticed that your cubicle mate has several pictures of her cat on her desk. Try to ask them questions about their pet as a way to get to know her better. This will lead to more in-depth conversations down the road.
Use awkward conversations as an opportunity to learn. Even strange or unpleasant chats can be a net positive for your social skills. If you feel like a discussion with a stranger had too many silences or made you feel weird, reflect on why. Was it bad timing? Did it go on too long? Or did you two just not click? Assessing and being more aware of these things in the future can help improve professional conversation and talks with people you truly care about. Even if you said something you wish you shouldn’t, don’t beat yourself up. We all make social faux pas every now and then. In fact, you could turn this into a relatable, embarrassing story future conversation partners might laugh at.
Smile while you're with someone to improve your mood. Try to smile more in your conversations. A goofy grin or warm twinkle releases endorphins, so it’s an easy way to boost your mood and feel like you’re getting the most out of your discussions. Remind yourself to smile before, during, and after your conversation to reap the benefits of smiling.
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