- Own up to your mistakes by acknowledging what you did and apologizing sincerely.[1] When we deny, minimize, or place blame elsewhere for our mess-ups, we discourage trust.
- Show your partner you’re dependable by being true to your word. For example, if you said you wouldn’t be late coming home, follow through by getting there on time.
- Be vulnerable with them by communicating openly and honestly about how you feel. This shows them that you trust them with your emotional, more delicate side.
Earning Your Partner’s Respect
Recognize that you can’t control how your partner feels. While there are things you can do to try to earn your partner’s respect, it’s ultimately up to them to decide how they feel about you. Before you begin working on regaining your partner’s respect, remind yourself that all you can change is your own behavior.Tip: Accepting that you can’t control your partner doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abusive or persistently disrespectful behavior from them. If your partner refuses to treat you well or respect your boundaries, you may need to end the relationship. Try not to get caught up in blaming yourself or your partner for the loss of respect in the relationship. Instead, focus on what you can do to improve your own behavior.
Own up to your mistakes and weaknesses. No matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you’re bound to make mistakes in a relationship from time to time. When it happens, don’t try to deny it, minimize it, or place the blame on someone else. Simply acknowledge your mistake and apologize sincerely to your partner. Assure them that you’ll try not to repeat the behavior again. For example, say something like, “I’m sorry I was late picking you up today, I know how frustrating that is for you. I’ll make sure to leave a little earlier next time.” A sincere apology should start with “I’m sorry I . . .” rather than “I’m sorry you . . .” or “I’m sorry, but . . .”
Show that you are reliable and trustworthy. Your partner will have an easier time respecting you if they can count on you to be responsible and accountable. Earn their trust by following through on your promises and being honest if you mess up or fail to follow through. For example, if you say you will be home by a particular time, make sure to be there. If something prevents you from getting home on time, call your partner right away and let them know. Show your partner that you are honest by telling them when you make a mistake instead of waiting for them to find out and confront you. For example, you might say, “I know I said I wasn’t going to drink anything tonight, but I gave in and had a couple beers with my friend from work. I’m sorry.”
Communicate openly and honestly about how you feel. A lot of relationship problems boil down to a lack of good communication. It’s possible that your partner doesn’t even realize that you see their behavior as disrespectful. Take a moment to sit down with your partner when you’re both calm and talk about how you’re feeling and how their actions affect you. Make sure to listen actively to what they have to say, as well. Use “I” statements to show that you own your feelings and prevent your partner from feeling defensive. For example, “I feel really isolated when you keep playing on your phone when we’re together. I feel like I don’t matter that much.” Avoid using accusatory language and broad generalizations, like “You never spend time with me anymore,” or “You’re so selfish!”
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Being vulnerable, or emotionally open and honest, will help your partner understand you better, and may help deepen the sense of connection and mutual respect between you. Open up to your partner about your feelings, hopes, fears, and dreams. For example, if something’s worrying you and your partner notices, resist the urge to say “I’m fine” if they ask how you’re doing. Instead, open up about what’s bothering you. They’ll appreciate your trust in them. Make sure to share positive feelings with your partner, too. Don’t be afraid to tell them you love them or let them know how much you appreciate them. While you may think of emotional vulnerability as a weakness, it actually takes a great deal of bravery and strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Enforce your boundaries with your partner. Boundaries are an important part of any mutually respectful relationship. If your partner has gotten used to doing things that make you uncomfortable or feel disrespectful to you, it’s time to establish some clear ground rules about what you find acceptable. Explain to your partner clearly that you’re not willing to tolerate certain behaviors from them, and tell them what the consequences will be if they violate those boundaries. For example, you might say, “When you look through the texts on my phone, I feel very violated and like you don’t trust me. If you won’t respect my privacy, I’ll have to move out.” Make sure to follow through on any consequences you establish. Otherwise, your partner might not take your boundaries seriously.
Restoring Your Respect for Your Partner
Make a conscious decision to start respecting them again. If you’ve lost respect for someone, only you can decide to restore that respect. Remind yourself that while your feelings about your partner may be influenced by their words or actions, those feelings ultimately come from you. Tell yourself that you are going to begin thinking about (and treating) your partner more empathetically and respectfully. Say something to yourself like, “My wife is just as worthy of respect as I am. I’m going to make the decision to start treating her with the respect she deserves.” It’s natural to feel negatively about your partner sometimes, but try to refocus your attitude so that you’re critical of their actions instead of who they are as a person. For example, if you catch yourself thinking “He’s such a slob,” replace that thought with “I hate it when he leaves his dirty dishes around.”
Practice compassion meditation to build your compassion for your partner. Compassion meditation is an exercise that can help you feel more empathetic and compassionate towards others and even yourself. If you find yourself feeling resentful and angry at your partner, take a few moments to sit in a quiet space and just breathe. Focus on feelings of positive energy, kindness, and warmth, and picture those feelings emanating from you and surrounding your partner. You can also silently recite a compassionate mantra to yourself as you think about your partner. For example, “May you have happiness. May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.”
Write a list of things you respect about them. If you’re in a relationship with someone, there are probably things you admire and respect about them. Reconnecting with those things can help restore your feelings of respect for your partner. Sit down and write up a list of everything you can think of that you appreciate about your partner. Keep it somewhere close, like in the drawer of your nightstand or inside a journal, so you can read it over and remind yourself from time to time. For example, you might write down things like “She’s great with the kids,” or “He’s really creative.”Tip: Although it may be hard when you’re feeling angry or disgusted with your partner a lot of the time, make an effort to comment on positive things to them out loud from time to time. For example, say, “I really appreciate how hard you work.” Taking time to show appreciation for your partner will help improve your relationship overall.
Listen to them with an open mind. Being able to really listen to someone is a huge part of being respectful and having a healthy relationship. When you converse with your partner, give them your full attention. Avoid the urge to plan what you want to say next or instantly jump to the defensive. Instead, focus entirely on hearing and understanding them before you react or respond. Don’t interrupt your partner when they’re talking. Wait until they’re finished speaking before you respond. If you don’t understand something, ask them to clarify. This will also show your partner that you’re listening and that you care about what they have to say.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with your partner or think they’re overreacting to something, it’s important to show that you recognize their feelings and respect their right to feel that way. If you show respect for your partner’s feelings instead of dismissing, minimizing, or criticizing them, your partner will be more likely to do the same for you. For example, say something like, “I know you’re really angry with me right now.” Avoid saying dismissive things, like “Oh come on, it’s not so bad,” or “You’re overreacting. Just lighten up!”
Try to put yourself in their shoes. Practicing empathy will make it easier for you to respect your partner as a person. If your partner does something you don’t like, avoid jumping to the conclusion that it means they’re being malicious or that there’s something wrong with them. Instead, try to imagine how they’re feeling and why they might have behaved that way. For example, if your partner frequently leaves dirty dishes around, consider that it might be because they’re exhausted from work or busy taking care of the kids. Remember that you can’t know for sure what your partner is thinking or feeling unless you ask. Speak to your partner kindly and encourage them to open up to you. For example, say, “You seem tired lately. How are things going at work?”
Observe their boundaries. Just as it’s important for your partner to respect your boundaries, it’s also vital that you do the same for them. If your partner tells you that something you’re doing is making them uncomfortable, resist the urge to be dismissive or defensive. Instead, do your best to honor their wishes. For example, if your girlfriend says it bothers her when you call her at work, you might agree to avoid calling her there unless it’s an emergency. If you’re not sure what your partner’s boundaries are, just ask. Don’t assume you know what they want or need!
Treat your partner the way they want to be treated. You’re probably familiar with the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To show true respect to your partner—and work towards earning theirs, in return—follow the Platinum Rule. This means treating them the way they want you to treat them, even if that differs from how you’d want to be treated yourself. For example, maybe you like to get advice when you’re dealing with a problem, but your partner just wants to vent to someone sympathetic. Resist the urge to jump in and try to fix their problems, even if that’s what you would want. Just listen instead.
Comments
0 comment