Bible Verses That Tell It Like It Is
Exodus 14:11 (NIV) “[The Israelites] said to Moses, ‘Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?” Why it’s funny: After Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt, they were pursued by Pharaoh and his army. You can just hear the sarcastic tone of the crowd when they ask Moses if he only freed them from slavery because there wasn’t enough space to bury all of them in Egypt.
Joshua 13:1 (NKJV) “Now Joshua was old, advanced in years. And the Lord said to him: “You are old, advanced in years…” Why it’s funny: You know you’re aging if even God thinks you’re old—and the repetition in the verse really drives it home.
1 Samuel 21:14–15 (NIV) Achish said to his servants, “Look at the man! He is insane! Why bring him to me? Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here…?” Why it’s funny: Even though the audience knows that David is just pretending to be mad, Achish doesn’t realize it’s an act—and he makes it clear that there are plenty of madmen in Gath, no need to bring him another one.
1 Samuel 25:25 (NIV) “Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him.” Why it’s funny: David is preparing to bring an army against a wealthy, greedy man named Nabal. But Nabal’s wife Abigail intervenes, and she makes it clear that her husband is no wise man.
2 Kings 9:20 (NIV) “The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi—he drives like a maniac.” Why it’s funny: We might think of bad drivers as a modern invention, but it turns out people have been driving recklessly since the earliest days of chariots.
Nehemiah 6:8 (NIV) “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.” Why it’s funny: When Nehemiah’s enemies accuse him of something that isn’t true, he shuts them down with a plain-spoken retort that people can still use today.
Job 11:12 (NIV) “But the witless can no more become wise than a wild donkey’s colt can be born human.” Why it’s funny: A man named Zophar assumes that Job’s great suffering must be a punishment for sin, and he offers scathing criticism when he says that donkeys will give birth to people before Job gains wisdom.
Job 12:2 (NIV) “Doubtless you are the only people who matter, and wisdom will die with you!” Why it’s funny: Job has had enough of his “friends” and their criticism, and he delivers one of the most epic insults of all time—”wisdom will die with you.” Job’s tirade continues over the next few chapters. Other gems include: Job 13:5: “If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” Job 16:3: “Will your long-winded speeches never end?”
Job 38:2 (NIV) “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?” Why it’s funny: The volley of insults continues through Job—and this time, it’s God delivering the blow. He’s basically saying to Job, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” And God keeps at it for another two chapters, asking Job if he has all the same powers as God (the answer, obviously, is no).
Ecclesiastes 10:1 (NIV) “As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor.” Why it’s funny: This is a pretty colorful way of saying that even a few little mistakes can make a wise and honorable person appear foolish.
Jeremiah 23:33 (NIV) “When these people…ask you, ‘What is the message from the Lord?’ say to them, ‘What message? I will forsake you, declares the Lord.’” Why it’s funny: If you ask a prophet for a message from God, you don’t expect the message to be, “I will forsake you.” But that’s exactly what God said to Jeremiah when He was angry about the rise of false prophets among the Israelites.
1 Corinthians 7:28 (NIV) “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” Why it’s funny: Nothing out of context here–the apostle Paul apparently had a pretty dim view of marriage and the hardships it can bring.
Out-of-Context Bible Verses
Judges 9:8 (NIV) “One day the trees went out to anoint a king for themselves.” Why it’s funny: This story is meant to be taken as a metaphor for the Israelites’ choice of Abimelek as king. But out of context, it makes for a pretty funny mental image of trees walking around looking for a king!
Job 19:17 (NIV) “My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own family.” Why it’s funny: Nobody’s safe from criticism in Job—here, Job is even giving himself a hard time. And out of context, it sounds like he’s saying he really needs to brush his teeth.
Proverbs 31:6 (NIV) “Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish!” Why it’s funny: This verse is actually cautioning kings against drunkenness, but at the same time, it seems to advocate for drinking away your troubles. Questionable advice.
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) “A wise man’s direct directs him toward the right, but the foolish man’s heart directs him toward the left.” Why it’s funny: Out of context, this verse sounds like it’s advocating for political conservatism.
Ecclesiastes 10:19 (NIV) “A feast is made for laughter, wine makes life merry, and money is the answer for everything.” Why it’s funny: Taken out of context, this verse sounds like it’s advocating for wine and the pursuit of money, which seems at odds with other verses in the Bible that condemn these things. (In context, the verse criticizes rulers who prioritize feasts, wine, and money while neglecting to tend to the needs of their people.)
Ezekiel 16:4 (NIV) “On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in clothes.” Why it’s funny: This verse is a metaphor for Jerusalem’s origins among the Canaanites, but out of context, it sounds like an insult along the lines of, “No one even cared about you when you were a baby.”
Amos 4:4 (NIV) “Go to Bethel and sin; go to Gilgal and sin yet more.” Why it’s funny: Out of context, this verse sounds like God is giving the Israelites permission to go out and sin. (He’s actually condemning idolatry.)
Bible Verses That Describe Oddball Situations
Genesis 26:6–11 (NIV) “When the men of [Gerar] asked [Isaac] about his wife, he said, “She is my sister,” because he was afraid to say, “She is my wife.” He thought, “The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.” Why it’s funny: Telling people that your wife is really your sister could lead to some awkward situations—and in this case, it did. Imagine the cringe King Abimelek must have felt when he saw Isaac and Rebekah together through a window.
Exodus 32:24 (NIV) “I told them, ‘Whoever has any gold jewelry, take it off.’ Then they gave me the gold, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!” Why it’s funny: When Moses came down from the mountain after God gave him the 10 Commandments, he found his brother Aaron leading the people in worshiping a golden calf. When Moses asked Aaron what happened, Aaron’s response was that the calf just came out of a fire. Okay, Aaron. (If his story isn’t sus enough, Exodus 32:4 describes Aaron making the calf out of gold.)
Numbers 11:18–19 (NIV) “The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!’ Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten, or twenty days, but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it.” Why it’s funny: Even though God provided manna for the Israelites in the desert, they complained about not having meat, going so far as to say they were better off in Egyptian slavery. So God gave them an immense amount of quail—more than anyone would want.
Numbers 22:28 (NIV) “Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, ‘What have I done to make you beat me these three times?’” Why it’s funny: Shrek had it right—sassy donkeys are funny. In this case, Balaam is beating his donkey because it refuses to walk, so God gives the donkey the ability to speak. Turns out, an angel was blocking Balaam’s path, and the donkey could see it, which is why it turned away.
Judges 15:15 (NIV) “Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, [Samson] grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.” Why it’s funny: Samson’s choice of weapon here—a donkey’s jawbone—is bizarrely effective, allowing him to kill 1,000 Philistines who were trying to take him prisoner.
1 Samuel 5:1–5 (NIV) “After the Philistines had captured the ark of God, they took it from Ebenezer to Ashdod. Then they carried the ark into Dagon’s temple and set it beside Dagon. When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. But the following morning when they rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained.” Why it’s funny: The Philistines took God’s holy ark and put it in the temple of their god Dagon. But the statue of Dagon fell on its face before the Israelites’ God, which doubtless made the Philistines’ victory seem far less impressive.
1 Samuel 6:4 (NIV) “The Philistines asked, “What guilt offering should we send to [the Israelites’ God]? [The priest and diviners] replied, “Five gold tumors and five gold rats, according to the number of the Philistine rulers, because the same plague has struck both you and your rulers. Make models of the tumors and of the rats that are destroying the country, and give glory to Israel’s god.” Why it’s funny: After the Philistines captured the ark of God, they were struck with plagues. To try to make things right, they made golden figures of the rats and tumors (some translations say hemorrhoids) that were affecting them as a kind of apology.
1 Sam 21:13 (NIV) “So [David] pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.” Why it’s funny: David was afraid of being killed by King Achish of Gath, so he devised a plan—pretend to be mad, drool and all.
2 Sam 6:16 (NIV) “As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.” Why it’s funny: David finally got the ark of the Lord back from the Philistines, and when he brought it into Jerusalem, there was a great celebration with music and dancing. But David’s wife Michal was inexplicably annoyed, and we can’t help but chuckle at the image of her scowling from a window while everyone else was joyfully dancing.
1 Kings 18:27 (NIV) “At noon Elijah began to taunt them. “Shout louder!” he said. “Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.” Why it’s funny: Elijah has set a challenge for the prophets of Baal to prove that their god is supreme. But when Baal doesn’t respond to his people’s offerings, Elijah begins to tease them that perhaps their god is otherwise occupied.
2 Kings 2:23–24 (NIV) “As [Elisha] was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.” Why it’s funny: This one’s for the fans of dark humor. When a group of youths (some translations say servants instead of boys) bully the prophet Elisha for being bald, God sends bears to eat them. Instant karma.
Song of Solomon 4:1–2 (NIV) “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn.” Why it’s funny: Song of Solomon is all about romance, but we don’t recommend actually using lines like these. Other questionable compliments from Song of Solomon include: Song of Solomon 7:2: “Your navel is a round goblet … Your waist is a mound of wheat.” Song of Solomon 7:4: “Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Jonah 4:9 (NIV) “God said to Jonah, ‘Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?’ ‘It is,’ he said. ‘And I’m so angry I wish I were dead.’” Why it’s funny: Jonah is in the middle of an epic temper tantrum here—he didn’t want to go to Nineveh, and then when he did go and the Ninevites repented, he got angry because it seemed unfair that God forgave them. When God caused a worm to eat Jonah’s shade tree, it was just all too much.
Matthew 7:3 (NIV) “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Why it’s funny: This verse shows us that Jesus had a sense of humor—obviously no one would be able to ignore a plank in their eye, but the imagery is striking enough to get his point across.
Matt 21:19 (NIV) “Seeing a fig tree by the road, [Jesus] went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately, the tree withered.” Why it’s funny: This one is baffling, and it leaves more questions than answers. Why didn’t Jesus just command the fig tree to grow fruit? Why was he mad at a plant? Regardless, it’s pretty funny.
Mark 9:33–34 (NIV) “When [Jesus] was in the house, he asked [his disciples], 'What were you arguing about on the road?’ But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was greatest.” Why it’s funny: Anybody who has siblings knows what it’s like to get caught arguing about something silly. In this case, Jesus’ disciples were in a heated argument about which one of them was the best—but when Jesus confronted them about it, no one wanted to fess up.
Acts 20:9 (NIV) “Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead.” Why it’s funny: Another one for the dark humor crowd, and a caution against long-winded sermons. But there’s a bright side—Paul revives Eutychus, so everything is fine in the end.
Funny Bible Verses in Proverbs
Proverbs 9:13 (NIV) “Folly is an unruly woman; she is simple and knows nothing.” Why it’s funny: Proverbs is full of witty one-liners about people who act without wisdom, and this one kicks it off in epic fashion.
Proverbs 11:22 (NIV) “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” Why it’s funny: The imagery here is funny—and striking. Being beautiful doesn’t make a woman (or man) honorable any more than putting a fancy gold ring in a pig’s nose makes it less of a pig.
Prov 17:12 (NIV) “Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool bent on folly.” Why it’s funny: According to this verse, if someone you know is bent on trouble, just get out of the way—you’d be in less danger around a mama bear who can’t find her cubs. A colorful picture for sure! Other Proverbs about fools include: Proverbs 23:9: “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.” Proverbs 27:22: “Though you grind a fool in a mortar you will not remove their folly from them.”
Prov 17:17 (NIV) “A brother is born for times of adversity.” Why it’s funny: Anyone who is (or has) a brother can agree—it gets tough sometimes. Perfect for your sibling’s next birthday card!
Prov 17:28 (NIV) “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent.” Why it’s funny: We all know someone who just wouldn’t stop talking, no matter how silly they looked. This verse is a great (and funny) reminder that sometimes it’s better to be quiet and listen. Proverbs 18:2 has a similar message: “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”
Proverbs 19:24 (NIV) “A sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!” Why it’s funny: This verse describes someone who’s so lazy they just stick their hand in a dish of food but can’t even be bothered to eat it. That would be quite a sight!
Proverbs 20:14 (NIV) “It’s no good, it’s no good!” says the buyer—then they go off and boast about their purchase. Why it’s funny: Here, Proverbs cautions against negotiating too hard, saying that buyers look foolish if they criticize a purchase while playing hardball, then go and boast about what a deal they got.
Proverbs 21:9 (NIV) “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Why it’s funny: We’ve all been there—sometimes you’d be more content perched on the roof than dealing with constant bickering. Proverbs 21:19 continues the theme: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” As does Proverbs 27:15–16: “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm, restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”
Proverbs 22:13 (NIV) “The sluggard says, ‘There’s a lion outside! I’ll be killed in the public square!’” Why it’s funny: Imagine being so lazy that you’d claim there’s a lion outside just to get out of doing work.
Proverbs 25:17 (NIV) “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house—too much of you, and they will hate you.” Why it’s funny: This one’s for the introverts! Share this verse the next time you encounter a nosy neighbor who won’t stop talking.
Proverbs 27:14 (NIV) “If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.” Why it’s funny: Not a morning person? This verse is for you! Turns out even the Bible thinks people need time for coffee before having to socialize.
Bible Verses with Bathroom Humor
Judges 3:22 (NIV) “Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it.” Why it’s funny: Eglon, King of Moab, is described as being “a very fat man.” The Israelite Ehud stabs him in the belly, and Eglon is so large that the sword sinks in all the way past the hilt and is lost. Yuck.
Judges 3:24–25 (NIV) “They said, ‘He must be relieving himself in the inner room of the palace.’ They waited to the point of embarrassment.” Why it’s funny: After Eglon is killed, his servants think he’s just in the bathroom—for a really, really long time. It’s funny to picture them standing around, wondering if it’s been long enough that they should go in and check on him.
1 Samuel 24:3 (NIV) “He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself.” Why it’s funny: Saul is pursuing David to kill him, but he still has to answer the call of nature along the way.
2 Kings 18:27(NIV) “The commander replied, ‘Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the people sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own excrement and drink their own urine?’” Why it’s funny: If you’re into bathroom humor, you’ll love this one. The king of Assyria sends his field commander to threaten the people of Jerusalem—and the field commander throws in a few disgusting taunts of his own.
Prov 26:11 (NIV) “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” Why it’s funny: We covered the insults in Proverbs elsewhere, but this one was gross enough to earn its spot in the bathroom humor category.
Ezekiel 4:12 (NIV) “Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” Why it’s funny: God tells Ezekiel to use, yep, excrement as fuel for baking his bread to symbolize the upcoming siege and famine in Jerusalem. Luckily, Ezekiel protests and God (sort of) relents, telling him he can use cow dung instead.
Malachi 2:3 (NIV) “I will rebuke your descendants; I will smear on your faces the dung from your festival sacrifices.” Why it’s funny: God’s rebuke against the priests is a serious one, but it’s funny at the same time. Imagine being so mad at someone that you’d put dung on their face.
Bible Verses with NSFW Humor
Genesis 19:32 (NIV) “Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him.” Why it’s funny: We wish this one was taken out of context, but—yikes. Lot and his daughters are living in a cave, and there are no other men around for the women to have children with, so according to Genesis, they get their father drunk and take advantage of him.
Genesis 38:9 (NIV) “But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother.” Why it’s funny: Judah commanded Onan to sleep with his sister-in-law to give her a child after Onan’s brother died. But Onan didn’t want to father a child that he couldn’t claim, so he practiced coitus interruptus. (Fun fact, we get the term onanism from this story.)
Exodus 20:26 (NIV) “Do not go up to my altar on steps, or your private parts may be exposed.” Why it’s funny: Apparently God was looking out for the modesty of his priests when He instructed them not to build steps leading up to His altar.
Deuteronomy 25:11–12 (NIV) “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand.” Why it’s funny: The funniest part of this is that it must have been enough of a problem that it had to be addressed by early law.
1 Samuel 18:27 (NIV) “David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” Why it’s funny: There’s nothing in the Bible quite like the imagery of David counting out 200 Philistine foreskins for King Saul to get permission to marry Michal.
2 Samuel 10:4 (NIV) “So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” Why it’s funny: When Hanun becomes king of the Ammonites, David sends an envoy. Hanun interprets the move as a threat, and in response, he humiliates David’s men by cutting their beards and sending them home with their bottoms exposed.
Ezekiel 23:20 (NIV) “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Why it’s funny: This verse paints a vivid, if raunchy, picture. But the lewd imagery does serve a purpose—the “woman” in question here is actually Jerusalem, and her lovers are idols.
Mark 14:51–52 (NIV) “A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.” Why it’s funny: When Jesus was arrested, one of his followers was in such a hurry to get away that he left behind his clothes! That’s quite an image (that we’d rather not have).
John 4:16-19 (NIV) “[Jesus] told [the Samaritan woman], ‘Go, call your husband and come back.’ ‘I have no husband,’ she replied. Jesus said to her, ‘You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.’ Why it’s funny: The Samaritan woman is quickly called out by Jesus when she says she doesn’t have a husband. But instead of being offended, she acknowledges him and becomes a believer.
Galatians 5:12 (NIV) “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” Why it’s funny: Paul is clearly agitated as he opens his letter to the Galatians. Someone is stirring up trouble in the early churches of Galatia, and while Paul doesn’t know who it is, he makes it clear exactly what he thinks of them.
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