Does body count matter in a relationship?
Body count shouldn’t matter in a relationship. The number of past sexual or romantic partners a person has had has nothing to do with their value or worth as a person. A person’s body count doesn’t predict how they will treat their current partner or behave in a committed relationship. While past sexual experiences, like any life experience, may shape who a person is, they’re not relevant to the current relationship. It's important for romantic partners to acknowledge that everyone has a past. Rather than focusing on the details of that past, they should focus on mutual respect and understanding. As dating coach John Keegan puts it, “it’s a strange way to look at something—like you’d want to control someone’s past behavior before you ever met them.” Two people in a healthy relationship should be more focused on building a future together than digging up experiences from before they even met or became involved. It is important to discuss sexual history in terms of health and safety, i.e., if a partner has been tested or diagnosed with any STIs or STDs. However, the number of people someone has slept with is still irrelevant.
There’s stigma around body count that may affect relationships. Some people do believe that body count is important or relevant, and they may even see a high body count as a deal breaker. Often, these reactions come from deep-seated insecurities. An insecure partner may have thoughts like “I’ll never be able to please you,” “I’ll never be special to you,” or “You won’t find me attractive after all your other partners.” Other people may subscribe to social stigma around people who’ve had several sexual partners in the past. They may—subconsciously or consciously—think of someone with a high body count as “dirty” or assume they have intimacy issues or even an STI. “Some people could feel like [a high body count] is a sign of what the future brings, or some people feel like if someone’s had a lot of sex that they’re ‘used,’” describes dating expert John Keegan before clarifying that this is an unfounded fear. There is no evidence that someone is “dirtier” or more “used” after having sex with numerous people, and even someone with only one sexual partner can get an STI or STD if that sex is unprotected. Someone’s cultural or religious background may also cause them to struggle with a partner’s high body count, especially if they come from a demographic that looks down on casual sex outside of committed relationships.
Certain demographics are more likely to be judged for sexual history. Negative perceptions of high body counts are hugely impacted by sexism and misogyny. There is a well-documented double standard when it comes to body count—many studies have shown that female-identifying individuals are much more likely to be judged for a high body count compared to males (although that’s not to say men are never judged for having a high body count). More frequently, however, the “stud vs. slut” double standard applies to body count conversations. Men who have a lot of sexual partners are viewed by other men as dominant, studly, or accomplished. Meanwhile, women with the same amount of partners are slut-shamed. Conversely, women who have very low body counts are often negatively thought of as prudish or inexperienced. Part of the reason that body count shouldn’t matter is because the concept has been used as a way to shame and judge women without any scientific, psychological, or health-based reasoning. It’s also important to note that most research about the average number of sexual partners completely excludes the LGBTQIA+ community, making body count irrelevant or more nuanced for many people.
Discussing Body Count with a Partner
Consider the underlying reason for wanting to know a partner’s body count. Interrogate why you feel like you need this information. How will it help you and your relationship? What will it do for you? Is the desire for this knowledge coming from a place of insecurity? In most cases, nothing positive will come from knowing your partner’s body count. It’s normal to be curious about a new partner’s history, but reflect on whether you’re creating unhealthy comparisons, inciting jealousy, or putting pressure on yourself or your partner. If you’re really struggling with knowing (or not knowing) your partner’s body count, attend couples counseling to work on healthy boundaries and communication skills together. If your concern around body count has to do with sexual safety, invest in safe sex precautions and go get tested together—and forget about the “number.”
If your partner asks for your body count, share only if you want to. Deciding to share anything about your past sexual experiences is entirely up to you. You are completely in charge of either sharing or withholding this information. If your partner shares their body count with you, they should absolutely be able to do that without any fear of judgment. However, just because they shared with you doesn’t mean you owe it to them to share your own number. State that you don’t feel it impacts your current relationship. Express that you’re not trying to keep secrets from them, but you don’t see it as beneficial to your relationship. If your partner becomes upset or angry that you won’t tell them your body count, this may raise some red flags about the strength of your relationship. Setting boundaries and respecting each other’s privacy is key to a healthy relationship.
Focus on listening and compassion when discussing body count with a partner. Be an active listener while your partner is sharing about their experiences. Be empathetic toward any experiences that they may feel negatively or shameful about. Refrain from showing any signs of judgment, whether their body count is high or low. Reacting with judgy, disdainful, or punishing behavior will only harm your partner. It may cause them to feel shame and shut down, which will prevent them from opening up to you in the future. It may be helpful to focus on why you and your partner are deciding to share this information with each other—ideally, the goal is to create more intimacy and connection. For example, you may feel that it’s important for you to discuss your past sexual partners so that your current partner can better understand your needs or so that you can foster greater openness and trust in your relationship. If anyone feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed at any point during this conversation, agree to take a break. Revisit the topic later or decide to let it go for the betterment of your relationship.
Address any issues that body count has created in your relationship. If discussing the number of sexual partners that either of you has had has created problems between you and your significant other, communicate clearly to your partner the underlying concerns behind the issues. For example, if you’re concerned about your partner’s high body count, what is the real reason that it bothers you? If the core reason is that you’re feeling retroactive jealousy, tell your partner that. While your feelings are valid, it’s also not your partner’s fault—make sure to express that to them. Take some time to reflect on how much you trust your current partner. If trust is an underlying issue in your relationship, that may be a bigger problem that you need to address. Journaling about or visualizing times you felt supported and loved by your partner may help ease any insecurities you may have. On the other hand, if your issue with your partner’s body count comes solely from social or cultural stigma or internalized misogyny, this may be a good subject to work through with a therapist. John Keegan, founder of coaching service the Awakened Lifestyle, recommends reframing your partner’s sexual experience as: “‘My partner is good at sex.’ That can be nice, and it provides another way to see it.”
How to Deal with Having a High Body Count
Never let anyone pressure you into disclosing if you don’t want to. Sexual history is an extremely private and vulnerable thing to share with others. You are entitled to privacy, and you don’t have to give a reason why you don’t feel comfortable sharing your body count—"no” is a full sentence. Even if your friends or partners are totally comfortable talking about their sexual past, that doesn’t mean you have to be!
Accept your past and where it’s brought you. If you’re feeling guilt or shame over a high body count, “the main thing is that you have to accept it,” advises dating coach John Keegan. In some cases, continues Keegan, people will have had a sexual journey that they look back on and feel regret about.” Keegan recommends working on “coming to terms and grips with that and totally self-accepting yourself. So you’re not bringing that shame or negative energy into a relationship in the first place.”
Remember that the amount of partners you’ve had doesn’t define you. Whether your body count is high or low, you should never be or feel judged by a romantic partner (or anyone else!) for your sexual past. Your body count has nothing to do with your value or worth. It may also be helpful to keep in mind that sexual history isn’t quantitative, and the people you’ve slept with are more than a notch on your bedpost. You likely had some feelings or physical attraction for each person, and your experiences with them may have shaped you or taught you something. Rather than minimizing past partners into a numbered list, reflect on the experiences—positive or negative—that you had with each person and how it’s brought you to your current relationships.
Keep in mind that shame has no place in conversations about sex. Sex is an almost universal part of the human experience, and no one should be shamed or feel guilty about their sexual history. The most important aspects of sex are giving consent, practicing safe sex, and using protection. Outside of these areas, no one has a right to judge you. Most people who judge you for a high amount of sexual partners are jealous or insecure. If your partner is judging you for your body count, you probably don’t want to be with them anyway! You deserve someone who understands your past and accepts every part of you.
Remember that a good partner won’t care about your body count. People can have differing morals and values, sure. But at the end of the day, someone who loves you won’t judge you for your sexual history or feel uncomfortable about your body count. Take the advice of dating and relationship expert John Keegan: “You shouldn’t date other people that feel that way.” For example, Keegan goes on to say, let’s say, “You are someone who's had a lot of sex and had different partners, and you can feel good about that and own that. ‘That was my physical journey. That's my sexual journey.’” In that case, explains Keegan, “Don't get together with someone who thinks that's bad, who thinks that your sexual journey is bad and is going to make you feel bad about it. Get to someone who sees your journey as amazing because now they're here with you.”
What is a body count?
A “body count” is the number of sexual partners a person has had. The term traditionally only alludes to heterosexual, penetrative sex. However, you should never assume that your definition of a sexual encounter or experience is the same as someone else’s. From a modern perspective, body count is a social construct used to shame or guilt people about their sexual activity. In other contexts, the term “body count” may be used in criminology or history to refer to how many people have been killed by a serial killer or destructive event like a battle.
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