How to Argue with a Narcissist

Stay calm.

The narcissist in your life is likely looking for an emotional reaction. They might come at you yelling, calling you names, or being super passive aggressive. The best way to deescalate the situation is to show no emotion at all—take a few deep breaths and count to 10 until you’re ready to speak calmly. You might start out by saying something like, “Is there something you needed to talk to me about?” or, “Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”

Empathize with them.

Making them feel understood is a great way to diffuse the situation. Narcissists often believe that no one else can relate to them, which can feel incredibly isolating. When you understand what they’re going through, they’re much more likely to talk rationally about it. “I understand you’re stressed about work. You’ve been doing so much overtime lately, I’m not surprised.” “I get why that would upset you. I’d probably be upset, too.”

Tell them you disagree.

Make it known that you don’t agree with them, but try not to argue. Being argumentative with a narcissist rarely works in your favor—usually, they will get defensive and push back on whatever you say. To get your opinion across, say that you disagree gently without telling them that they’re wrong. “I’m not quite sure that’s the way it happened.” “I’m remembering things a little differently.” “I think we got our wires crossed here.”

Ask them to clarify contradictions.

Use this tactic if the person you’re talking to tries to gaslight you. When you’re arguing with a narcissist, don’t be surprised if they try to gaslight you, or make you doubt your own memories. If they tell you that something did or didn’t happen and you know it’s a lie, calmly point it out by asking questions about it. Hopefully, this will draw enough attention to the lie that the narcissist drops it. “You said that we didn’t go to the park on Thursday, but I have a picture of us there. How can that be true?” “You don’t remember saying that to me? Here, I have screenshots of the text you sent. Does that jog your memory?”

Use “we” language.

Lump yourself in with them so that you both share the blame. Even if the narcissist in your life is the one who is in the wrong, they’re more likely to concede if you include yourself in your statement, too. Frame it as something you’re both a part of, not as a pointless fight that they started for no reason. “I think we’re escalating things for no reason. Can we start over?” “We might be misunderstanding each other. Let’s clarify what we mean before we go any further.”

Apologize for your own actions.

Show the narcissist how to take appropriate responsibility for something. Typically, people with narcissistic personality disorder grow up in homes where telling the truth and apologizing were seen as weak or unimportant. If you did do something to contribute to the situation at hand, own up to it and apologize for your part. Hopefully, they will try to model your actions later on instead of picking a fight with you. “I’m sorry that I snapped at you earlier. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and I should have phrased that better.” “You’re right, I should have planned ahead. It’s my fault that we’re missing the show, and I’m sorry.”

Stick to the topic at hand.

Don’t let the other person deflect when they’re losing the argument. When a narcissist knows you have the upper hand, they’ll often try to bring up old issues or shift the blame back onto you. If this happens, don’t let them. Calmly state that you’d like to keep talking about the subject you were discussing before, and don’t let them bring up anything else. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to what we were talking about.” “We can discuss that issue later. Right now, I’d like to keep talking about this.”

Give them a compliment.

Boost their ego a bit to distract them from the argument. If you don’t see a way out of the conversation, you might be able to divert their attention by telling them something you like about them. Typically, narcissists crave positive feedback, and a compliment might make them feel good enough to drop the argument. “I’m so proud of you for getting that promotion at work. You’re really good at what you do.” “Remember when you got us into that club last week? The line was a mile long! I have no idea how you did it!”

Ignore inflammatory comments.

The narcissist in your life may try to provoke you and get a reaction. They might say mean or nasty things about your character, and they may try to make you feel “lesser-than.” Do your best to stay calm and let those comments roll off your back—if you don’t react to them, a narcissist is less likely to try them again in the future. Arguing with a narcissist can also make you feel unimportant or small. Just remember that your opinion is the only one that matters, not anyone else’s. If silence isn’t working for you, try shutting them down with sarcasm. Things like, “Nice,” or, “Great insult,” can really take the wind out of somebody’s sails.

Walk away if you need to.

Narcissists are hard to argue with. If you feel yourself losing control or getting upset, there’s no shame in taking a breather. Excuse yourself to the other room or leave the house entirely if you need to. Hopefully, the person you’re arguing with will get the message. You might also need to set firm boundaries for yourself and then stick to them. Saying things like, “I won’t sit here and be yelled at,” or, “You can’t call me names,” is a great way to excuse yourself before leaving.

Move forward instead of waiting for an apology.

Unfortunately, narcissists very rarely apologize to others. If you spend time trying to get them to apologize to you, you’ll probably just drag on the argument unnecessarily. If the conversation has moved on, try your best to move on, too. It can be frustrating to have to move on when you’re owed an apology. Remind yourself that while you definitely deserve one, this person doesn’t have the capacity to give it to you.

Remember your own self-worth.

Don’t let an argument with a narcissist get you down. You know yourself best, and listening to a narcissist isn’t good for your mental health. Arguing with a narcissist can make you feel badly about yourself, so treat yourself with kindness afterward to really boost your self-esteem. You could also practice self care. Doing something nice for yourself, like soaking in a bubble bath or taking a long walk, can make you feel grounded and more at peace.