Getting out of a Particular Visit
Be honest—whenever possible—instead of making up excuses. It can be very tempting to fake an illness in order to get out of a visit with your in-laws, but use such tactics sparingly. The truth has a way of getting out, and if it does, you’ll have an even more uncomfortable relationship with your in-laws to deal with. Instead, whenever you can, provide an honest explanation for why you can’t take part in a visit. If you really are sick, just say so. Or, if you have a lot of work to do, say something like, “I’m sorry, but I’m really swamped at work and I can’t do a visit this weekend.” Be particularly wary of faking an illness or making up another excuse if you have small children. They love to spill the beans and may say something like, “Actually, Grandma, Mommy isn’t sick.”
Set up a conflicting appointment that you can’t miss to dodge the visit. Go ahead and schedule your root canal for the week your in-laws were going to visit—they don’t need to know that there were plenty of other scheduling options. Or, arrange to meet up with a long-lost friend from high school on the day you were going to visit your in-laws’ house. Starting a home improvement project can be a good way of getting out of a visit or two, so long as your in-laws aren’t the type to insist on helping you! This may be a desperate move, but in some jurisdictions you can volunteer for jury duty!
“Divide and conquer” by visiting both families simultaneously. Simply put, you go visit your family while your spouse visits theirs. Call it a necessity due to your hectic schedules, which probably isn’t far from the truth anyway. It’s best to use this tactic only once in a while, though, or you’ll arouse suspicions and may end up worsening your relationships with both sets of parents. If simultaneous visits aren’t practical due to the cost, just be clear to both sets of parents that you’re going to alternate visits on a fairly rigid schedule “in order to be fair to everyone.” If you have kids, you might alternate who the kids go with, or divide them up for the visits as well. Once again, though, this is a tactic best used strategically and only occasionally.
Take a walk or run an errand during a visit if you need a break. If a visit is going off the rails, politely announce that you’re going to take a walk—you can say you need a bit of fresh air, or want to walk off some of the Thanksgiving feast you just had. Use the time to regain your composure and prepare yourself for the rest of the visit. Especially if the visit is at your house, you can also announce that you need to run an errand—like getting more milk—and take your time doing it. You may even want to strategically make sure you’re low on milk ahead of time!
Setting Boundaries on Your Time Together
Set clear timeframes for visits ahead of time. If you really need to limit your time with your in-laws, never leave anything open-ended when it comes to visits. Don’t say, “Sure, come to town for a couple days,” or, “We’ll stop by for a few hours on Sunday.” Be specific: “We’d love to have you stay in town Friday evening through Saturday afternoon,” or “We can come by from 2 to 4 on Sunday afternoon.” If you get push-back because they’d like a visit to be longer, give honest but respectful reasons why it cannot be: “I’m sorry, but we both have busy weeks at work coming up, and Jake has a big test in school on Monday.” Set up something else to do at the end of the visiting time, so there is no way to extend it further. For instance, arrange a dinner get-together with an old friend.
Insist on staying in a hotel when you visit overnight. Even if they have a spare bedroom and all the hotels in the area are pricey, make it clear from the start that you won’t be staying at your in-laws’ home. If you stay at their house, you’ll have very little control over how much time you spend with them. Explain your decision based on your comfort level: “We’re simply more comfortable staying in a hotel, and I think we’ll all end up sleeping better this way.”
Insist they stay in a hotel when they visit overnight. This can be a bit trickier, especially if you have room for them at your place. However, if possible, never make it an option from the start. For instance, when you invite them, say something like “Can we help you find a good hotel nearby?” Don’t feel obligated to pay for their room, but consider it if necessary—for instance, if you know money is an issue for them. If they’ve stayed at your house before but now you know it’s best they don’t stay there again, stick to being politely honest: “Things just work out better this way, and we’ll all be better rested and happier during all the time we do spend together.”
Treat them like guests in your home. This means being polite and respectful, and attending to their needs and comforts (within reason). However, it also means that you can request and expect them to act like guests in your home. That is, like any guest, you can expect them not to go into your room or other areas you deem off-limits. Be as direct as is necessary: “We want you to be comfortable here, but we do ask that you keep out of our room and Dan’s workshop in the basement. They’re both really messy anyway!”
Communicating with Your Spouse
Prioritize the needs of your marriage. There are two sides to this coin. On one side, be honest with your spouse if you feel they are siding with their parents to the detriment of your relationship. On the other side, make sure you aren’t elevating your desire to limit or avoid time with your in-laws above the health of your marriage. Marriages can and do crumble due to issues with in-laws, so make sure you communicate freely and regularly about any concerns you have. Don’t be afraid to propose couples’ counseling if you feel it could help.
Engage in solution-oriented discussions about in-laws. It’s tempting to vent to your spouse about all the terrible things your in-laws have said or done. However, keep in mind that they’re your spouse’s parents, so your partner is likely to get defensive about your criticism. Instead, focus on describing your feelings and asking for help in finding solutions that will benefit everyone. Rather than saying, “Your mother second-guesses every decision I make about the kids,” try something like, “I feel like I’m not respected as a parent when all my decisions are questioned by your mother.” Once you’ve expressed your feelings, work toward solutions. You could say, “I’d really like if we could both sit down with her and talk about some of our differences on raising kids.”
Compromise on accepting and avoiding visits. In most cases, you can’t expect your spouse to completely cut their parents out of their life, and making them visit without you every time is still likely to cause marriage friction. Most likely, you’ll have to work with your partner to find a happy medium of visits with the in-laws. For instance, instead of spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with your in-laws every year, perhaps you could spend only one of the holidays with them and take a trip with just your spouse (and kids, if you have any) for the other one.
Present a unified front with your spouse at all times. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page, your in-laws can—unintentionally or intentionally—drive a wedge between you. This is why it’s so important to talk through your concerns with your spouse and come up with solutions that you can both accept. And, once you agree to a plan of action, you need to encourage your spouse to hold steady to it, even if it may be uncomfortable for them to do so. It may, for instance, be very difficult for your spouse to tell their parents that you won’t all be spending Easter together. Make sure you give your spouse ample encouragement beforehand and talk through how you will both approach the conversation with your in-laws.
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