Assessing the Situation
Try to determine the disrespectful person’s intent. Disrespectful behavior is always aggravating, but it’s not always intentional. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and don’t automatically conclude that they are intentionally out to hurt you. Ask yourself if the rude behavior is part of a consistent pattern or a one-off event, and think about whether or not it seems to be directed at you personally. For example, if someone calls you names or purposefully pushes you out of their way, it’s pretty clear they are being intentionally disrespectful. On the other hand, if someone sends out a group email about an upcoming study group and doesn’t include you, it’s possible that they simply forgot to add your email to the list. Likewise, if someone makes an uncouth comment in front of you, it could be that they simply don’t realize they’re touching on a sensitive subject.
Ask for clarification if necessary. It’s easy to misunderstand other people’s words or actions. If you’re not sure whether someone is intentionally being disrespectful, sometimes it can be helpful to ask. Keep your tone calm and use words that are neutral and non-confrontational. For example, if someone says something you think might have been disrespectful, you could say, “What did you mean when you said that?”
Be empathetic with the other person if you can. Even if their behavior was pretty clearly disrespectful, do your best not to take it personally. Consider what the disrespectful person might be going through or what the underlying reasons for their behavior might be. For example, some people may become snappish with others when they’re stressed or feeling ill. If they’re tired or distracted, they may simply forget social niceties like holding open doors or saying “Hi!” when they enter a room. Being empathetic doesn’t mean that you have to excuse the disrespectful behavior, but it can help you understand where the other person is coming from and react more appropriately.
Assess your own reaction to what they said or did. Sometimes your reaction to someone else’s behavior says more about your own emotional state than about anything they did. Take a moment to consider why you are upset by their words or actions, and ask yourself whether your reaction is justified. Tip: Think about whether you are making assumptions or reacting emotionally based on past experiences. For example, you might say to yourself, “I’m upset with Susan because she hasn’t called me back yet, but that’s probably because my ex was always blowing me off and ignoring my calls. She might just be busy; I’ll give her a little more time.”
Confronting the Other Person
Take a moment to calm down if you’re upset. Dealing with disrespectful behavior can be very upsetting. However, responding impulsively or saying the first thing that pops into your head can just escalate the situation and lead to unnecessary conflict. If you’re upset, take a moment to breathe and get your feelings under control. If you have to, excuse yourself and leave the room for a few minutes. You might try counting to 10 or doing a grounding exercise, like looking around and seeing how many blue things you can spot.
Determine whether it’s worthwhile to respond. If the disrespectful behavior was relatively mild or was just a one-time event, it’s usually best to ignore it and move on. Confronting the person may not help anything, and could even escalate the situation. However, if the behavior is part of a consistent pattern or if it is interfering with your daily life or your ability to work, a confrontation may be justified. For example, if your partner or spouse regularly says rude things to you or refuses to take your feelings into account, it’s time to have a talk. On the other hand, if a stranger cuts ahead of you in line at the grocery store, it’s probably not worth your time and energy to confront them about it.
Try disarming them with kindness. If someone is being disrespectful or rude, responding with kindness can take them by surprise and encourage them to rethink their behavior. Instead of getting upset or retaliating, try deescalating the situation with a smile and a few kind words. Note: If the person’s rude behavior persists or is part of a long-term pattern, however, you may need to take a more assertive approach. For example, if a coworker snaps at you to get out of their way, step aside, smile, and say, “Of course, sorry. Would you like a hand carrying that stuff?”
Speak to the other person directly if you decide to confront them. If you feel that someone is being disrespectful to you, it’s usually best to talk to them one-on-one. For example, if you’re dealing with a rude coworker, talk to them first before going directly to your boss. Going over the person’s head could ultimately lead to resentment and make the problem worse. If there’s a simple misunderstanding at the root of the problem, you could also hurt their feelings or get them into trouble unnecessarily. In extreme cases, however, bypassing the disrespectful person could be justified. For example, if someone is severely bullying you at school or at work, don’t hesitate to report the problem to someone in authority.
Stop and decide what to say before you speak. You may be tempted to lash out at the rude person and give them a piece of your mind. However, doing so is unlikely to be helpful. Instead, make sure that whatever you plan to say is true, helpful, and necessary for getting your point across. Insulting the other person or making unfair accusations won’t encourage them to rethink their behavior, and is usually unnecessarily hurtful. Speaking to the other person calmly and deliberately is also more likely to disarm them and break their cycle of rude behavior.
Be direct but polite. When you do confront the other person, be clear and matter-of-fact about the issue. Calmly explain what the problem is and how their behavior is affecting you. Don’t be afraid to firmly but politely ask them to explain their behavior. Use I-focused language so that the other person does not feel accused. For example, “I feel very disrespected when you speak to me in that tone of voice.” Try saying something like, “I find those kinds of jokes really upsetting. Please don’t joke like that in front of me anymore.”
Give them a chance to respond. Being confronted is often upsetting. The other person may wish to respond and present their side of the story, especially if they feel you have misunderstood their words and actions. Give them a chance to speak without interrupting, and let them know that you hear and respect what they have to say. Tip: Show that you are listening actively by nodding, making eye contact, and using phrases like “Right,” or “I hear you.” Try rephrasing what they say to make sure you understand them correctly. For example, “So you’re saying you weren’t trying to ignore me this morning, you were just distracted. Is that right?”
Set clear boundaries if the disrespectful behavior is a pattern. Appropriate boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s especially important to set and enforce clear boundaries with people who have a pattern of being disrespectful to you. Let the person know what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and establish clear consequences if they fail to respect your boundaries. For example, you might say, “If you continue to play with your phone and ignore me whenever we hang out, I won’t be able to spend time with you anymore.” If the person continues to be disrespectful and regularly violates your boundaries, you may need to limit your time with them as much as possible or even cut ties altogether.
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