How to Deal With Having a Crush on Your Friend's Sister

Keeping Your Distance

Take your time. Don’t rush into pursuing your feelings. Remember, crushes don’t last forever. You may feel intensely for just a few weeks about this person before your feelings begin to mellow out. If you find you still have feelings for your friend's sister after a few months, then you may wish to pursue it. In the meantime, you may wish to keep your distance and figure out how you feel. Getting over a crush can almost feel like getting over an addiction. Crushes cause the brain to produce dopamine -- the same chemical that drives a drug addict’s next high. So if it feels difficult to step back, that’s because it is!

Take a break. Force yourself to stay away from your friend’s sister for a week or so and see if you feel any differently about her. You might just be attracted to her because you are seeing her a lot. Stop visiting their house and spend time with your friend elsewhere. Sometimes people develop crushes on others just because they are around those people frequently. This is called the exposure effect (or the familiarity principle): the more you are around or exposed to something/someone, the more you will like it. If you are spending a lot of time at your friend’s house and their sister is always hanging around, for example, you may start to have feelings for her. Taking a break from seeing the sister will help you to discern if your feelings are genuine. Have your friend come over to your house instead, talk to them on the phone, or hang out somewhere else.

Keep busy. Find something else to occupy your thoughts and time, whether it is learning a new skill, taking up a new hobby, or earning some money. Surround yourself with other friends to keep your mind off your crush and keep an active social life. Go exercise at the gym. Go to the library and read. Start a babysitting program. Get a job. Do things for your own self-improvement. Have an active social life. Visit other friends and fill up your weekends with activities and social events. Plan a big party or outing for your friends.

Talking to Your Friend

Talk to your friend. Yes, this may be an awkward conversation. You may want to be honest and tell your friend about your crush, however, particularly if you continue to have strong feelings. Your friend may be able to provide some perspective and advice. You could say, “This is kind of embarrassing, but I really like Emily. I’ve liked her for a few months now. I thought I’d tell you because I’m not sure what I should do, and I’d like to hear what you think.” Keep in mind that your friend might have a strong reaction, like “Ew, no, she’s my sister!” or “I’m totally freaked out by this.” You could respond, “I know how weird it probably is for you. I thought a lot about whether or not I should tell you. But I decided to be honest with you about it, because my feelings haven’t changed.”

Listen to your friend’s response. Your friend might be angry, disgusted, or maybe even think it’s a great idea. Ask your friend what they think you should do. They may be able to see something about the situation that you are blind to. You could say, “I was wondering if you think I should ask her out. But I don’t want to let this get between us and ruin our friendship. I don’t want to do it if it will be too weird for you.” Give your friend some time to think about their response if they need to.

Remember that friendships usually outlast romance. If your friend doesn’t want you to date their sister, accept their answer and do your best to move on. If you go against your friend’s wishes to pursue their sister, you will likely damage your friendship. Keep in mind that later in life, you will likely have a greater regret about losing a friendship than not pursuing a crush.

Pursuing Your Crush

Determine if it is worth the risk. Consider the possibility that a romantic relationship between you and the sister could have repercussions on your relationship with your friend. Family loyalty runs deep, and you may find yourself running into problems with both siblings. If you and the sister break up, your friend may take her side and be angry with you. The sister may not want to pursue a relationship with you if she sees how upsetting it is to her sibling.

Figure out if she is interested. Observe her behavior and determine if you think she might like you. Because of the potential of damaging your friendship, you might not want to pursue her unless you know you have a good chance of being successful. For example, maybe she is talking to you a lot, making eye contact and smiling. Those could be signs she is interested in you.

Get to know the sister. If the only thing you know about her is that she’s cute and is related to your friend, spend some time learning more about her. Her personality may make her more or less attractive to you. Talk to her while at your friend’s house. Ask her about her interests and favorite things. Find out what you have in common besides your friend. For example, you could ask “Are you going out for the swim team again next year? Which events did you do this year?” or “I heard you have Mr. Winters for geometry. How are you doing in that class? It was impossible for me.” Try to get to know her without your friend present, but do not try to ditch your friend to do this. Wait until your friend leaves the room, for example. You may find out that while you enjoy hanging out with the sister in your friend’s presence, you may find that the dynamic changes when you and the sister are alone. For example, you may enjoy the way your friend and their sister tease each other in your presence, but you and the sister do not have that same component to your relationship. Don't change who you are and what you like to appear more appealing to her. Instead, focus on what you have in common as you get to know each other better.

Ask her out. If your friend is okay with it and if the sister seems interested, you may decide to ask the sister out. Find a moment when the two of you can be alone without your friend present and let her know how you feel. Acknowledge that the situation is strange. The sister might be uncomfortable with the idea at first. She might feel loyalty to her sibling and not want to hurt their feelings. Give her some time to think about it. You could say, “I know it’s weird because I’m Brian’s friend. But we’ve been hanging out so much together this summer, and I’ve gotten to know you better and enjoy your company. So I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime.” Let her know that you have talked to her sibling about it. You could say, “I told Tina how I feel and she is okay with me asking you out. We talked about it for a long time. I didn’t want to cause any problems in your family.” If she doesn’t seem interested, let it go and move on. It is not worth pursuing her to risk your relationship with your friend. Remember—as nerve-wracking as it is to confess, it's important to speak your truth. Try to be brave and hope for the best while also expecting and preparing for the worst. Even if she doesn't feel the same way, she'll probably be respectful of the way you feel.

Go on a few dates. See how it is hanging out with just the sister. See if you have any romantic connection, or if she is just someone you care about as a friend or “like a sister.” If she seems to like you, too, take things very slowly. Do not rush the relationship. You do not want to move too fast and cause hurt feelings that could damage your relationship with your friend. If it doesn’t seem like you have a connection beyond just a friendship, stop dating her. Don’t force the relationship to happen. It could complicate your relationship with your friend and their family. For example, you could say, “I really like you, but I think we are better as friends. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also don’t want to end up hurting your family’s feelings, too. I really like your sibling and think that trying to make this work will just create bad blood between all of us.”

Be sensitive to your friend’s feelings. Understand that a relationship with their sister changes the dynamics of your friendship. Your friend might be jealous that you are spending more time with their sister than with them. Balance your time between the sister and your friend. You may want to be spending all your time with the sister, but keep in mind that you were friends with her sibling first. Make a special effort to do things with just your friend. Invite your friend over to your house, without the sister present, to do something that you both enjoy. Keep your relationship with your friend’s sister separate. Do not invite your friend out with you and the sister, for example.