How to Deal with Mean Female Coworkers

Try not to take things personally.

Remember that their meanness says more about them than it does about you. It can be confusing when another woman is mean or rude to you. However, some women feel like they need to undermine other people in order to lift themselves up. Keep in mind that they aren’t targeting you, specifically—they are just trying to work their way upward. Some women will intentionally treat you worse if you’re a fellow woman. It’s unfortunate, but it may be because they want to be seen as “above” you or “better than” you.

Be extra kind and supportive.

Take the high road to avoid adding fuel to the fire. If you can kill your coworkers with kindness, it might just make them back off—plus, you’ll look much more professional and competent. Although it can be tempting, don’t stoop down to their level and be mean back, since that can backfire on you. Treat your mean coworkers like you’d treat any other coworker. Don’t be overly nice, but don’t be rude or dismissive, either. Being compassionate might just help you understand your coworker more. Try to think about why they might be behaving this way before you react.

Ignore mean or negative comments.

Without a reaction, your bully has nothing to go off of. If your coworker ever makes a small remark that you can ignore, let it roll off your back. It can be tough to keep your cool when someone’s being nasty to you, but try to remember that their behavior reflects badly on them, not you. The less you react, the less fun they’ll have when they antagonize you. Plus, if you don’t react in an angry way, you’ll look like a more professional, competent employee.

Keep personal information to yourself.

Don’t give your mean coworkers anything they can use against you. Some sneaky coworkers will take your personal information and use it to undermine you or spread rumors about you. When you have to interact with your mean coworkers, stick to talking about work or something innocuous, like the weather. Try to keep your interactions brief, and talk to your mean coworkers as little as possible.

Get closer with your other coworkers.

Having friends at work can make your job a little more bearable. Once you know who your mean coworkers are, stay away from them and bond with your nicer peers. You don’t have to become BFFs, but chatting before work or grabbing coffee together is a nice way to break up your routine and make you look forward to your job again. Plus, having allies in the workplace means someone will have your back.

Avoid gossiping with other people.

Talking about someone behind their back usually causes more problems. Although it can be tempting to vent about your mean coworkers, try to avoid talking about them at work. Gossip can make you look like a mean person yourself, which is the last thing you want in your workplace. If you really need to vent, talk to someone who has no connections with your workplace, like your partner or a close friend.

Call out their mean behavior.

Calling them out right away can nip things in the bud before they escalate. If your coworker disrespects you or talks down to you, bring it up right away so they know their behavior won’t slide. Don’t be aggressive, but be firm, and don’t back down if they push back. “I don’t like being spoken to that way. Please treat me professionally.” “Is there a reason why you don’t want me in that meeting?” “Why are you singling me out?”

Have a one-on-one conversation with your coworker.

Talking to them one-on-one may be more productive. If you think your coworker is open to chatting with you, invite them out to coffee or lunch to talk about what’s been going on. Use “I” statements so they don’t feel like you’re attacking them, and talk about how their behavior makes you feel. “When you ignore me during meetings, I feel belittled. Is there a reason why you don’t like hearing my ideas?” “I feel disrespected when you talk about me behind my back. If you have a problem with me, I’d rather you talked to me about it.”

Keep a paper trail.

Evidence can help you if you ever want to escalate the situation. If your coworker is continuously mean or rude to you, start keeping a record of all the communication you two have. Save emails, texts, and phone calls so you can look back on them later. Try backing up your paper trail on your home computer, just in case you need it later on. If you do decide to escalate the situation and talk to a supervisor about it, ask your coworkers to come in as witnesses. They can back you up and certify that what you’re saying is true.

Escalate things to your boss if you need to.

Talk to your boss or HR if your coworker won’t change. If you’ve tried talking to them and letting their comments roll off your back but nothing is working, report their behavior to upper management. You deserve to feel safe and happy at your workplace, not constantly on edge. Request a private meeting, then spell out exactly what’s been happening and how you feel about it. “I wanted to talk to you today about Ashley’s communications with me. I’ve noticed that she often uses a belittling tone that borders on disrespectful. I’ve asked her to change how she speaks to me, but I’ve seen no effort on her part.”

Look for a new job as a last resort.

You may be happier at a different workplace. If you’ve tried talking to your higher ups and they aren’t helping, it might be time to start updating your resume. Look for a workplace that’s a little less high-stress and isn’t so focused on upward motion. You’re much more likely to find a spot with coworkers who want to see you succeed. If you’ve tried talking to your boss or HR and nothing is changing, looking for a new job might be your best move.