- Consider the qualities you want in a spouse so you know what you're looking for (and what you're not looking for). What are your deal breakers?
- Be open to meeting the right person in unexpected ways. Friends may set you up, or maybe you’ll run into your soulmate at the local dive bar. You never know!
- Take time to get to know someone before committing to a future with them. Make sure you're really compatible and that you can be yourself with them.
Knowing What You Want in a Partner
Consider the qualities you want in a spouse. Though you may never know exactly who is the perfect fit for you until you lock eyes with that person and your world stops, it can help you to narrow down the qualities you know you're looking for in your future spouse. These qualities may be so important to you that you would have a hard time even considering a person who doesn't possess some of them. As you look for your future spouse, keep an eye out for certain traits you need in a partner. For instance, you might want your partner to share your religion, sense of humor, or family values: if you want to have a bunch of kids, it's important your spouse shares that desire. Make sure their personality and lifestyle align with your values and long-term goals. For instance, if your plans include buying a home and raising a family, you want a partner who is mature and reliable and who has their finances in order. You may want certain traits that don't match yours: for example, if you're socially anxious, someone with a relaxed personality may balance you out. Ideally, the person you love won't share all of your interests—variety is the spice of life, after all! Still, it’s essential to have some things in common with your spouse so you have things to talk about and activities to bond over. Some people who seem incompatible at first may change over time, but as a general rule, avoid going into any relationship expecting your partner to change.
Consider the qualities you don't want. The qualities you don't want in a future spouse can be just as important and decisive as the qualities you are looking for. As you start looking for your soulmate, think about your deal breakers, the things that will make it impossible for you to get hitched no matter what. It may be helpful to look back at your past relationships and understand what you didn't like about them and why they didn't work. Here are some things to consider: Lack of attraction: physical attraction can grow, but it is not overrated. Though you may not want to rip off your husband's shirt 50 years—or hey, a few years—down the line, it’s necessary to have a baseline of attraction that keeps things going. Even if the person fits the mold in all other aspects, sadly, you just can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. Lack of agreement on something that really matters to you: if you’re really politically active and your partner holds completely opposite views, then you may have a problem. You don’t have to agree on every little detail, but if there's something that defines who you are that your future spouse absolutely doesn't understand or agree with, then your relationship may not last. Geographical incompatibility: you may have found the love of your life, but if they live in Hawaii and you live in New York and neither of you has any plans to relocate, it may not work.
Be willing to compromise (on some things). Every relationship requires some sacrifices. Though making a list of all the things you want and don't want can help you have a better sense of what will truly make you happy, the truth is that you won't ever be able to find the person who satisfies all of your needs—and that's OK. The right person for you will be the one that makes you the happiest, and that person may even fulfill some needs that you didn't know you had. Don't bend on the things you know are deal breakers, but don’t turn a person down because they don't meet all of your needs. This is unrealistic and being too picky won't get you very far.
Making Sure the Relationship Works
Choose a person you're compatible with. Compatibility is incredibly important to ensure a relationship thrives. That special person may pass every future spouse test with flying colors, but when you're together, you may find that there's just a lack of...something. Maybe you just don't really "get" each other; maybe you always end up bickering; maybe you just can't talk without running out of things to say after a few minutes. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Sexual attraction is different from compatibility—it wears off. Compatibility means that your personalities really work well together, and that things just click for you more often than not.
Give the relationship time to grow before committing. Though you may have been wanting to get married for 20 years, avoid running down the aisle after 2 weeks with the person you think is Mr. Right. Even if you just have "that feeling," it's very risky to marry someone you've known for just a few months, or even just a year. Give the relationship enough time to know that your feelings aren't just based on attraction, that you can get through some ups and downs together, and that you can really truly see a lifetime of happiness with that person. You may think that you're absolutely sure after just a few months, but this won't give you enough time to test the relationship. Experts advise dating for at least 3 years to give you time to get to know your potential spouse really well.
Be certain that your feelings are mutual. You may be absolutely gaga for your special someone, but you need to have the sense that they're feeling it too. Or, on the flipside, you need to make sure that they’re not crazy about you, while you're just feeling "pretty happy." Both of you must be crazy about each other and completely excited for the rest of your lives together to move forward.
Make sure you can be yourself around your partner. Though marriage will naturally change 2 people as they become bonded more closely, make sure that the person you want to be with lets you truly be yourself instead of expecting you to be some ideal person. If your friends or family tell you you're not being yourself around that person, it's a bad sign. But you will know if you really can't be who you are around that person, because you'll feel yourself holding back.
Choose someone who shares the same long-term goals. You may love being with that person for a year or 2, but for the relationship to succeed long-term, your future plans need to align. Before committing to someone, try to ensure that you have the same vision of the future—whether it's settling down in a nice house with 2 kids, or traveling the world and being nomads together. Though life is unpredictable and neither of you will be able to do exactly what you want, your visions of the future must be fairly aligned, or you'll run into a lot of trouble. EXPERT TIP Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Your life goals should guide your partner choice. Taking stock of lifelong priorities like having kids or pursuing a successful career should steer the selection of a romantic partner. Determine your core personal drivers around family, lifestyle values, money, and travel, and use these as benchmarks to assess alignment. The right match sets up the relationship for mutual understanding and working towards shared objectives.
Picture that person in your future: do they belong there? If you've really found your spouse, then you’ll be able to imagine being with that person for the rest of your life. That could be a very long time, so make sure that you really mean that you want to see that person grow old, to have kids with that person (if that's what you both want), to support each other's careers or other pursuits, and to truly become life partners. "I do" means "I do want to be with you forever," not "I do want to be with you for a while." If you’ve found someone you really cannot imagine not being with for the rest of your life, then congratulations—you’ve found the right partner or spouse. Now have an incredible journey!
Adopting the Right Mindset
Love yourself before you commit to a future partner. Seriously—loving yourself before you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the easiest way to ensure that you'll be committing yourself to that person for the right reasons. You don't have to be 100% satisfied with yourself, but if you're unhappy with who you are, you're at risk of getting together with someone just because they make you feel better about yourself. Sure, your true love will make you feel good about yourself, but avoid relying on your soulmate to make you feel worthy. Try to love who you are on your own, and feel blessed that the person you want to be with makes you feel even better!
Be (reasonably) happy being alone. Let's face it—being single when all of your friends are happily dating or married is no picnic. You may want love more than anything in the world, and it's natural for you to feel lonely or sad if you can't find it. But part of loving yourself is loving spending time solo, and finding ways to stay interested and excited about life without a significant other. This will make you feel even better when that special person comes along! If you're miserable by yourself, then you will be too easily swayed by the first person who comes along and gives you something to do. Don't expect someone to come and save you. Don't mistake companionship for love.
Be open to dating lots of different people. If you find your first love when you're 16, then you are a rare and lucky breed. However, most people do not marry their first, or second, or even their third or fourth partner. Dating more people lets you understand the endless ways that a relationship can work, and can help you see that there are so many forms and dynamics that a relationship can have. We're not saying to ditch the person you love just to play the field, but if you think you're just "pretty happy" with the person you're with but have never dated anyone else, it's better to see what's out there than to settle. Dating a lot of people helps you learn to compromise, and it'll will help you narrow down what you're looking for in a spouse, so that when you find them, you'll be more certain they're the one for you. Don’t feel pressured to have sex if you’re not comfortable, but if you want to have a sexual relationship with your future spouse, having a few partners before you've met your special someone may help you be sure that the chemistry you share is truly special. If you end up committing to the first person you've been with without being truly happy, you may spend the rest of your life wondering about what's out there.
Don't settle for the wrong person. People settle for partners they don't really connect with all too often because that person makes them feel less alone and loved, even if it's not in the right way. Another reason people settle is because they've been with the same person for 5 years and realize they "might as well" get married because that's what everyone else is doing or because they've been together for so long that it seems like the only logical step. Only get married if that's what you want, not because it's what the other person wants, because it's what your family wants, or because you're too scared to say goodbye.
Looking for Love in the Right Places
Ask your friends if they can set you up. Many couples meet because of mutual friends. Though it may seem unlikely, you may end up married to your friend's cousin or former roommate. After all, your good friends know your personality, putting them in the perfect position to set you up with someone compatible. Don't be shy—your friends know what makes you happy and can help you find that perfect person without being too obvious about it.
Keep an eye out for someone who shares your interests. Common interests can make a relationship thrive, so look out for any special people who share your hobbies, whether you lock eyes with a cute guy in your yoga class, notice a hottie reading your favorite book in a coffee shop, or click with that fellow student in your class. The common interest can be a launching point for an exciting relationship. Sharing an interest also gives you an easy opening for a fun first date; if you're both into something, you can just do that thing together and see where it goes.
Find someone at work to go out with. While some jobs have strict rules about workplace relationships, lots of people meet their future spouses on the job. It makes sense: in a given day, you may spend more time with your coworkers than anyone else, and if you love what you do, then you and that person may have similar interests. Avoid actively pursuing your coworkers because that could be breaking your company code—and coming on strongly could make a coworker uncomfortable. But don’t be afraid to develop platonic relationships with coworkers and see where they go.
Try online dating. Online dating has become one of the easiest ways to meet your future spouse. 30% of Americans report having used dating apps or websites, with 12% of people meeting their spouse using this method. Online dating sites and apps help you narrow down your choices based on common interests and other important qualities, making them convenient ways to meet eligible singles in your area. Even if you're squeamish about this option, consider giving it a chance. You can always delete your account if it doesn't work out. Some dating apps or sites cost money for a membership, which may be worth it: users who pay for memberships report having more success finding serious matches. But there are also plenty of apps you can use totally free.
Be open to meeting someone wherever you go. It's true: you really can meet your future spouse at a loud, smelly bar. Though it's less likely, the perfect person can come up to you at any time at all, so don't put your blinders up at the wrong time. Try not to be distracted looking for your future spouse at a company meeting or at a funeral, but be open to the possibility that love can strike at almost any time. If you're receptive, then more people will be receptive to wanting to get to know you. While being open will help you recognize an opportunity when it falls in your lap, avoid expecting to find your perfect person at any given moment. Don’t put pressure on every interaction you have with a hot stranger. Just go with the flow.
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