How to Identify Negative Self Talk

Listening to Your Inner Voice

Identify the running commentary in your head. If you’ve ever watched a DVD movie with the audio commentary track running, you know that sometimes you’re actively listening to what the art director and third lead actress have to say, while at other times you’re drawn into what’s happening onscreen. The inner voice within you operates similarly; it’s always “talking,” even when you aren’t paying attention. However, even when your inner voice is running in the background, it impacts your perceptions and feelings about yourself and your surroundings. Therefore, it is important to pause often and take stock of this running commentary.

Accept that your inner voice is often wrong. No one’s inner voice is positive, supportive, and accurate all the time. Many people, especially those who experience episodes of depression, have an inner voice that usually skews negative (that is, negative self talk). Sometimes this negativity is justified, but other times it is completely off the mark. Negative self talk is justified and reasonable if you are about to cliff dive even though you don’t know how to swim (“This is crazy! I can’t do this!”). It is unhelpful and quite possibly inaccurate when it tells you that you are going to fail a test before it even begins. Basically, you inner voice is not always right. It can be very wrong, to your detriment.

Use your feelings as a cue to examine your thoughts. None of us can be attuned to our self talk at all times, or we’d all be “listening” so intently that we’d never get anything done. However, there are clear emotional signs that negative self talk may be occurring and should be examined. When you begin to feel depressed, angry, anxious, or upset, use this as a cue to take a moment and examine your self talk more closely. What are you “telling” yourself? Once you’re paying closer attention, you can begin the process of identifying negative self talk and eventually doing something about it.

Recognizing Forms of Negative Self Talk

Figure out if you are “filtering.” Although negative self talk can take any variety of types and topics, it usually derives from a common set of general forms. One of these is “filtering,” in which your inner self is magnifying the negative aspects of a situation and “filtering” out the positive aspects. If you won the lottery and could only think about all the taxes, financial advisor fees, and requests for loans or handouts by so-called friends, that would be a case of filtering.

Perceive if you are “personalizing.” Have you ever blamed yourself for the weather (“It only stormed because I wanted to go to the beach.”) or your favorite sports team’s performance (“They always lose when I watch.”)? These are extreme examples of a very real form of negative self talk called “personalizing,” in which you blame yourself whenever anything bad occurs. If you find out your parents are getting divorced, and the first thought in your head is “I must have caused too much trouble and made them unhappy,” then you’re personalizing.

Catch yourself “catastrophizing.” Do you assume that it will rain on your wedding day? That you’ll never be able to figure out how to parallel park a car? That the restaurant will be sold out of your favorite dish? That you’ll die alone? If so, you’ve experienced “catastrophizing,” or anticipating the worst in a situation. Preparing for the worst-case scenario isn’t a bad thing, but when you expect the worst even in the face of ample evidence to the contrary, you are experiencing a damaging form of negative self talk.

Pick up on your habit of “polarizing.” Some people perceive themselves and the world in a strictly binary fashion — black or white, good or bad, yes or no, positive or negative, and so on. When you experience “polarizing” self talk, you simplify a complex situation into a strict dichotomy with no “middle ground.” People who regularly experience polarizing self talk tend to perceive that they can only either be perfect or a failure, with no space in between. Since it’s impossible to be the former, they label themselves as the latter.

See if you are “self-limiting.” If you make up your mind beforehand that you can’t accomplish something, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy that sabotages your chances of success. Self-limiting talk that emerges from your inner voice imposes artificial limitations on your achievements and your happiness. If you find yourself saying “I can’t do this — it’s too hard!” before you even begin trying, you are self-limiting.

Judge whether you are “jumping to conclusions.” This form of negative self talk is very similar to the other forms that draw from assuming the worst in a situation. “Jumping to conclusions,” though, occurs most particularly when you turn a worst-case assumption into fact before there is any possible reason to do so. If you think “I did so terrible at that job interview” before you even leave the room or “They’re going to hate this cake I baked” before it’s even out of the oven, you’re jumping to conclusions without any justification based in reality.

Home in on your “habits of speech.” Do you, without thinking, call yourself “stupid” under your breath when you make a mistake, or say to yourself “Good idea, fatso” when you succumb to a tempting dessert? Even when you don’t fully realize or mean what you say, such negative habits of speech can slowly but surely impact your self-perception. If you exclaim “I’m such an idiot!” reflexively enough times, your image of yourself will begin to shift to match this claim. In time, it will become your starting assumption (“I’m an idiot, so of course I can’t do this.”).

Observe how you make others’ thoughts your own. Your mother or some other trusted source of wisdom may have begun many pieces of advice with the phrases “You really shouldn’t …” or “You ought to …”. Over time, this advice can become internalized, combining someone else’s voice with your own inner voice. And, even if the advice is well-meaning and sensible, this can be a problem for you. These external voices will feel as though they are part of your own voice, yet you will act out of guilt when you follow them, instead of desire. For instance, you might not quit your job and seize a new opportunity because you hear your father’s voice (working through your own self talk) saying not to “throw away” a good job. For better or worse, you are not being true to yourself.

Responding to Negative Self-Talk

Challenge your inner voice. When you recognize your negative self talk, don’t let it go unchallenged. It might be legitimate, rational, and beneficial, or it may be inaccurate and damaging. Interrogate your self talk with questions that will determine whether it deserves to stay or needs to go. Test your negative self talk against reality. Is there any factual basis for feeling this way? What is the evidence that the worst is about to happen? Consider alternative explanations. Is there another way you could look at this situation? Is there something else going on that you haven’t considered? Put things in perspective. Think about whether this is really the worst (or best) thing that could happen. Will it really matter in five days, five weeks, or five years? Use goal-directed thinking. Re-state your life goals (career, family, personal fulfillment, etc.) and determine whether this mode of thinking will help or hamper you in achieving them. Can this be a learning experience? Or is it simply a roadblock that needs to be cleared away?

Practice positive self talk. We all experience negative self talk that is unwarranted and damaging. Thankfully, there are ways to confront the negativity and replace it with positive self talk. This can involve repeating positive affirmations or turning negative thoughts “inside out” and making them positive. The assistance of a therapist or other mental health professional may be beneficial in developing positive self talk strategies, especially if you regularly experience symptoms of depression. For instance, with practice and patience, you can turn your inner voice telling you “I can’t do this” into “Let’s see what I learn when I give this a try.” Or “No one there even cares enough to know my name” into “This is an opportunity to make a good impression on them.”

Create a healthier environment. If you surround yourself with positive people, who exude and “live” their own positive self talk, this will make it easier for you to identify and embrace your own positivity. Without even knowing it, they can help you “turn around” your negative self talk into something better. Additionally, if you live a healthier lifestyle — by exercising regularly, eating well, reducing stress, etc. — you may be less prone to negative self talk, and more capable of overcoming it. A healthy body supports healthy mental and emotional states.