Consider why they said it.
Decide how you'll respond once you've thought about all possibilities. The word "narcissistic" is tossed around a lot, but it's not always used correctly. There are a lot of reasons someone might call you that, and each one requires a different kind of response. In some cases, an accusation like that isn't genuine or cause for worry, while in others, it might be something you need to carefully consider. Someone might call you "narcissistic" in the heat of the moment but not really mean it. The person who called you narcissistic might really be upset and think you're acting selfishly. However, that doesn't automatically make you a real narcissist (AKA, somebody with narcissistic personality disorder). Someone could be using that word because it's become so normalized that most things seem selfish to them. The person could even have traits of a narcissist. Gaslighting is common among narcissists, and they might be trying to turn the tables on you by saying you're "selfish" or "only thinking about you." If your therapist or psychologist says you're a narcissist, then it's something to be taken seriously—and to discuss further with them.
Understand that it's not a diagnosis.
Unless a psychologist agrees, being called narcissistic is no guarantee. However, the general term "narcissism" and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are two very different things. NPD is a medical disorder, and people who have it are manipulative and selfish, with an inflated sense of self-importance. NPD also refers to people who act that way consistently; if you don't, you probably don't have it. If you had one moment of poor behavior that led to someone calling you "narcissistic," it doesn't mean you have NPD. Everyone makes mistakes! "Narcissistic" is often a subjective label, especially with the rise of social media. People become concerned with their online image in a way that can be interpreted as narcissism—but most cases aren't actual NPD.
Keep calm.
Take the high road and don't overreact to the accusation. Instead of fighting back or accusing this person of being narcissistic themselves, take a deep breath and walk away if you need to. It's important to stay calm so that you can better control your behavior and more clearly understand the other person's words and actions too. It's tempting to fight back, but getting angry, calling names, or being childish will only keep the conflict going. If your goal is to resolve the issue, calm is the way to go.
Don’t take it personally.
In most cases, someone calling you narcissistic doesn't really mean it. Often, a person will use the word to make a quick emotional jab at someone before the moment passes. If they do mean it, you can easily address that in a respectful, non-confrontational way. Regardless, being called narcissistic is usually a short-lived issue that you can fix with careful conversation and effort. When you take everything personally, you're more likely to be defensive and resentful around this person. Empathize with their feelings instead, and then sort out your own feelings once you're alone.
Apologize if you’re in the wrong.
Own up to your mistakes and show them you're not narcissistic. If it's clear that you acted selfishly without considering someone else's needs, give them a genuine and thorough apology. The best apologies include acknowledging what you did wrong, how it made the other person feel, and what you plan to change to do better in the future. For example: "I'm so sorry that I was selfish about the time we were spending together. I know that my behavior made you feel stifled, and I don't want that. I got jealous and let that control my actions, but I plan to control my actions in the future. If you don't already have a plan, ask the other person how you can make amends. They will tell you what they need to move forward. True narcissists with NPD rarely apologize and mean those apologies even less. By apologizing earnestly, you're already showing this person that you're not narcissistic.
Ask them why.
Create an open dialog and get to the bottom of the situation. When you talk to them, make sure you're respectful at all times and avoid accusatory language (even though they've already used it with you). Stay calm and be open-minded. This person may even have misunderstood your actions, and you can use the opportunity to clarify and resolve things with them. You could say, "Can I ask for clarification on why you called me selfish? I'm genuinely not sure what I've done, but I want to listen to your perspective and fix my mistakes if I can." Try this method when you know the other person is open for a discussion and willing to talk to you earnestly about why they said you were narcissistic.
Ignore it and move on.
Pretend that you didn't hear the comment and keep talking. Sometimes, name-calling is just that, and it doesn't deserve a response. If you ignore someone calling you a narcissist, then you're refusing to add fuel to the fire and start a bigger conflict with them. When you don't want to engage or argue with someone, it's okay to pick your battles and let go of something that doesn't feel worth the fight. This is an ideal response when you're dealing with someone naturally argumentative. If you know that even attempts to talk respectfully lead to an argument, ignoring and moving on could be better. You know you're not a narcissist, so just let the comment go!
Tell them how it made you feel.
Show this person why calling you narcissistic is hurtful. Explain your feelings to prove that you don't take their remark lightly. Use "I" statements so that you're keeping the focus on your feelings and not on blaming the other person for their actions. You can still offer to apologize or fix a mistake that you made, but make it clear that they've hurt your feelings too with a false accusation. You could say, "I understand you're upset with me, but I feel upset by what you said, and I think "narcissistic" is an unfair label. I'd like to talk about this and make sure we're on the same page here." When you say your piece, point out that true narcissists are quite rare, and the term "narcissistic" is often misused on people who don't have NPD.
Make a funny quip.
Laugh it off and show them you're not taking the comment to heart. Make a smart or sarcastic remark as a way to reduce the tension between you and keep your conflict in check. Remember that this isn't usually the best way to deal with any kind of accusation, and save funny quips for people you know can handle being teased. Otherwise, you may end up making things worse! Try saying, "Isn't my whole generation supposed to be narcissistic at this point? Oh, well." "Is there anything else I've been doing that's annoyed you? I'm really just going for it this week."
Look for warning signs that they're narcissistic.
A narcissist might lash out and call you a narcissist to shift blame. It shows a lack of self-awareness and a tendency to project, which people with NPD are known to do. When someone with narcissistic tendencies calls you out for it instead of acknowledging their own shortcomings, be non-committal and don't take the bait. Other common warning signs of NPD include: a need for constant praise, living in a fantasy world, delusions of grandeur, entitlement, exploiting others shamelessly, and bullying others. To give a non-committal response, try saying something like, "That's an interesting way to feel," or "Okay, if that's what you think." Don't try to tell them they're wrong or right—just acknowledge them and move on. Keeping your response neutral and boring stops the conflict from escalating further and will hopefully make the narcissist accusing you lose interest in the conversation. Remember, you can always leave if you don't want to deal with this person!
Talk to a professional if you're worried.
A psychologist can evaluate you and put your mind at ease. Keep in mind that nobody other than a doctor or psychologist who is directly and professionally treating you can diagnose you with NPD. If you've gotten to this point and still think you might have NPD, then it's time to make an appointment with a licensed expert. Find a psychologist you feel comfortable opening up to and be sure to check the different listings to see which psychologist has good experience that lines up with your needs. Did you know that people with NPD are among the least likely to investigate and get diagnosed? The fact that you're taking the time to explore and learn says you're probably not narcissistic at all!
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