Establishing Boundaries with Your Partner
Tell your partner what you need. Fights often ensue because of miscommunication. Your partner may not know what you need if you aren’t direct about it. They may do something else because they think that’s what you want, but only end up upsetting you as a result. For example, you could say, “I really need you to respect that I want to be left alone for the first hour I’m awake. I’m not a morning person and I’ll be in a much better mood if I have that alone time as soon as I wake up.”
Take time for yourself. It’s common to want to spend a lot of time with your partner and lose yourself in the relationship, particularly if the relationship is new. However, everyone needs time to themselves. Talk to your partner about how much time you need alone and if they are preventing that in some ways. Similarly, listen to and respect what your partner needs. You may become suffocating if you only want them to spend time with you. For instance, you could say, “I really enjoy spending time with you. However, I also need time to myself and to spend with others outside of you, like my friends and family. It’s nothing against you. I just also want to see them, as well.” You may want to reconsider the relationship if they can’t accept what you need.
Move at your own pace. Tell your partner what you are comfortable with emotionally. Also talk about what you need. You may require hearing lots of affirmations, or you may not feel comfortable hearing them at all. It’s important to discuss these boundaries with your partner so that you don’t feel pushed. For instance, you may feel pressure from your partner to say “I love you” even if you aren’t ready. Tell them how you feel about them and that you haven’t reached that point yet. Let them know you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you also don’t want to lie to them. You shouldn’t have to say anything you don’t want to in order to make a relationship work.
Talk about your physical boundaries. It’s important to let your partner know about any physical boundaries you have from the start, or at least when the subject is brought up. Sometimes this may occur to you in the heat of the moment while other boundaries may be clear to you upfront. Just communicate what you need clearly and politely. Be clear and direct about what you are and aren’t willing to do. For example, you might find a certain way of cuddling uncomfortable on your back, or there might be some sexual expressions you don't feel comfortable with. It may be time to move on if your partner can’t respect these boundaries.
Let them know what you won’t put up with. Some partners attempt to control the relationship, as well as their significant others. Tell your partner as soon as they display this behavior if you aren’t willing to tolerate their actions. Stay strong with your decision or else they may resort back to acting this way again. Trying saying, “I enjoy being in a relationship with you, but I’m not willing to allow you to tell me what I can and cannot do. I respect you enough not to treat you that way, and I expect you to do the same.” They may initially become upset, but if they want to make the relationship work, they will respect your boundaries. Make sure to give them the benefit of the doubt. It is not fair to hold something against your partner if you have never before expressed your needs in that area.
Communicate any consequences. It can seem harsh, but an important part of boundary-setting is setting consequences for violations. Your boundaries hold absolutely no weight if you speak them but never enforce any consequences when they are crossed. As you discuss your boundaries with your partner, provide some reasonable repercussions for when they break them. This might sound like "If you invade my privacy, I will be less likely to share things with you in the future" or "If you are disrespectful to me, I will cease communication with you." Some consequences might be presented as final outcomes while others are communicated through warnings. Just be sure to actually follow through and enforce your consequences. When you enforce your consequences, check in to make sure the other person understood they crossed a line.
Creating Boundaries With Your Family
Make it clear what your responsibilities are. Families often have that one person who holds everyone together. If you want to be that person, great. If not, you’ll need to let everyone know. Otherwise, you’ll be the person who is expected to set up get-togethers, resolve conflicts, keep in touch with everyone, and so on. For example, if you have a relative who always expects you to have Thanksgiving dinner at your home, you could say, “I really like that you feel comfortable in my home and like to celebrate Thanksgiving here. Unfortunately, it’s a lot of work and I don’t think I’ll be able to do it this year. However, I’d love to help you if you want to host it at your place.” Saying this sets up a clear boundary, but also won’t ruffle too many feathers as you are volunteering to help out.
Let your family know that guilt will not work. You know your family loves you, but you also know that some members resort to guilt in order to get what they want. Your mom may talk about how much her sister’s kids do for her, and people ask her why you don’t do the same. Let them know you do what you can, and you won’t bend because of a guilt trip. When a relative is thickly laying on the guilt, try saying, “I understand where you are coming from. However, I don’t appreciate you trying to guilt me into doing something I don’t want to do. I am only willing to help as much as I feel comfortable with. If you continue, I won’t help at all.” While you are being stern, you are also staying respectful. You are also letting them know that you expect the same kind of respect.
Explain what behaviors you won't accept. Going from raising a child to only seeing them every so often is difficult for some parents. They may still want to have dinner with you every night like they did when you were growing up, but you may only want to share a meal once a week. Let them know what will work for you, and what won’t. For instance, you could tell them you would like them to call before they stop by. You could also tell them that some parts of your life, such as your personal life, are off-limits. Also let them know that you won’t tolerate any negative comments about your choices in life, who you are dating, your appearance, or anything else. Setting these clear boundaries may cause some backlash, but it will likely be worth it in the end.
Establishing Boundaries With Your Friends
Offer alternatives to what they want. You may have a friend who wants to come over and stay all day. Or you may have a buddy who would like to cry to you for hours each day about their ex-lover. Being a good friend doesn’t mean doing everything they want you to do. You have every right to decide what you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to cut them off completely, however, you can offer alternatives. For instance, you can say, “You can come over, but only for a few hours because I have things I need to do.” Or, you can tell your friend, “We can talk about your ex for 15 minutes. After that, I would like to talk to you about what’s going on in my life.” You’re still there for them, but you’re also not subjecting yourself to only what they want.
Tell your friend you’ll help, but you expect help, too. You may be that friend who consistently makes themselves available to help out. But you may also find that you are always asked for help but never receive any in return. Let your friends know that you expect the same amount of help that you give. For example, if your friend always bums a ride, you could say, “I don’t mind taking you places, but I’ll need some gas money if this is going to continue.” Or, if you have a pal who always asks you to babysit their kids but never wants to watch yours, say, “Sure, I’ll babysit, if you watch my kids next weekend.” You’re still helping, but you’re creating a clear boundary that shows you would like some help, too.
Give a warning. Let them know you’ll be there for them, with conditions. Some “friends” want to use up all you’ve got, but never offer anything in return. They may continually break promises, constantly borrow things from you but refuse to return the favor, and so on. These are “friends” you don’t need, and you’ll need to let them know now. Offer a warning about boundary violations to let your friend know when they occur. You might say, "Hey, you stood me up last night and that wasn't cool. I'll stop making plans with you if this happens again."
Say "goodbye" to friends who continually cross boundaries. In the course of establishing your boundaries, you might learn that some friends simply do not align with the values you uphold in life. These friends may push your limits continuously and just aren't worth the hassle. Be clear that you can no longer maintain such a friendship. You could say, “I feel like our relationship is one-sided. I won’t be able to continue putting all I have into our friendship if you don’t do the same for me.” Be prepared to give examples of what you’re talking about, and to possibly lose that “friend.” Chances are they weren’t worth your time in the first place.
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