Understanding Them
Try learning the signs of autism. Autism involves a constellation of traits. While an autistic person may not have every single trait associated with autism, they are likely to have most of them. Here are some traits associated with autism: Fear or dislike of eye contact Idiosyncratic speech and taking things literally Repetitive movements Difficulty understanding what others are thinking and feeling Need for routine Disorganization Passionate interest in one or more subjects Lopsided development (e.g. learning advanced calculus but not knowing how to drive) Sensory sensitivities and differences Need for (and enjoyment of) lots of alone time A predisposition towards being helpful, polite, and kind
Understand how your roommate's social skills may be different. The average autistic person tends to be a little clueless but well-meaning. The way they talk may be odd, and the things they say might not seem to match how they feel. Keep in mind that your roommate is doing the best they can. Your roommate might: Take things literally Not realize when they accidentally do something rude or unusual Speak unusually (robotic/singsong tone, childish voice, odd word choice, formal language, or more) Fidget while speaking Avoid eye contact Seem like they're just guessing what the right thing to say is Struggle to describe their feelings Try to do nice things for you (like bringing you tissues if you're crying) Panic if they think they did something wrong
Recognize that your roommate may face domestic challenges. Autistic people's developmental delays don't vanish at 18. Your roommate may struggle with learning to do chores, and forget to keep track of things. Their room might be a mess despite their best efforts. Your roommate may be misinterpreted as "lazy" (or may even start to think that they are lazy) when they are actually struggling. They may not know how to do some types of chores. Sensory issues may make some chores painful. Delayed motor skills might make chores more difficult. It may take concentration for your roommate to do things that are automatic for you.
Know that your roommate may be experiencing co-occurring conditions. Many of these conditions can make life harder, so it helps to be extra patient if you suspect that the autistic person has something else going on. Here are some common conditions that autistic people may experience: ADHD has 3 types: inattentive type, hyperactive type, and combined type. Someone with inattentive type may daydream, be slow-moving, and forgetful. Someone with hyperactive type may be fidgety, energetic, and distractible. Someone with combined type can be both. Anxiety involves out-of-control worries. They might panic easily. If you see them facing anxiety, you can ask "What would make life easier for you right now?" You can also offer a tight hug. Depression involves persistent sadness and fatigue. Your roommate may withdraw, seem tired, and fail to stay on top of chores and personal hygiene. It may help to gently offer to spend time cleaning together, or try to get them interested in their special interest. (But don't push.) Face blindness means that your roommate may not recognize you, especially if they see you outside of the room. This is easy to handle: just say "I'm [name], your roommate." PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder. You may notice panic attacks or flashbacks. It's not uncommon for autistic people to have PTSD due to bullying or abuse. Be kind, and try to help them feel safe around you.
Understand common misconceptions about autism. There are a lot of stereotypes about autism, many of which have little basis in reality. Avoiding stereotypes can help you better understand your roommate as they are, instead of as what other people might (often wrongly) say they are. Here are some things that are useful to know: Autism is inborn and lifelong. Signs of autism begin in the womb, and there is no "cure" for autism. Your roommate always has been, and always will be, autistic. Autism is not caused by bad parenting, vaccines, demons, or whatever else you may have heard. Autistic people aren't robots. While some autistic people may struggle to understand their own emotions, that doesn't mean they don't have feelings. Autistic people can experience the full range of emotions. Autistics are often caring. While it's said that autistic people "lack empathy," this is misleading. Autistics often struggle to understand other people, but they tend to care deeply. Autistics aren't violent. Despite the media's wild speculations, data shows that autistic people tend to follow rules and avoid intentionally harming others. Autism is a disability, not an inability. Your roommate will struggle with things that other people may take for granted. They'll also have skills, strengths, and interests. They may be especially talented in one or two areas of interest. There's no need to feel sorry for them.
Stay away from unhelpful websites about autism. Some websites, such as Autism Speaks, say highly negative things about autism that don't accurately reflect reality. Be cautious about biased or fearmongering sources.
Remember that every autistic person is unique. Autistic people are very diverse, so it's important to get to know your roommate as an individual. You may have met other autistic people before. Don't assume that your autistic roommate will be just like the people you've met before. Everyone is unique, and every autistic person has a different mix of traits.
Handling Unusual Autistic Traits
Ask if you don't understand what they're saying. Autistic people may have an odd tone of voice, and they may struggle to find the right words to say what they mean. It's also possible for them to struggle with speaking clearly. If they say something that surprises or confuses you, just ask them to elaborate. "I don't understand what you mean. Could you please clarify?" "What are you trying to say?" "I didn't catch that. Please repeat it." "I'm not sure if I'm reading you correctly... are you agreeing with me or disagreeing with me?" "What do you mean by that?" "I'm getting lost. Could you make a 3-sentence summary to help me understand?" "Would you repeat that more slowly, please?" "I can see you're having a hard time expressing yourself. Would it be easier to type or write it down and show me?"
Ignore harmless-but-odd habits. Autistic people are idiosyncratic, and may do some things that you don't understand. As long as it's not hurting you, let it be. Don't try to change your roommate or make them more "normal." Many of these habits help them cope. Don't be surprised if your roommate does unusual things like... Spinning in circles Curling up on their bed and not moving for a while Flapping their hands Wearing headphones a lot Typing what they want to say, instead of speaking, if they're overwhelmed Rocking back and forth Hiding in the closet and being perfectly happy in there
Know what to do if a meltdown occurs. Meltdowns happen when an autistic person gets stressed out or overwhelmed beyond their breaking point. There's usually not anything you can do to stop it, and they just need to "cry it out." Usually they cry for a while, then hide alone to recover, then feel all better. If they're able to communicate a need to you, do what you can to help. Don't crowd them or grab them. Avoid touching them without consent. Help if they're trying and failing to do a task. If they're trying to unlock the door and keep failing, see if they'll let you take the keys and do it for them. If they're trying to drink from the sink, try handing them a cup. Sometimes they hurt themselves. Don't grab them or try to make them stop. They may end up accidentally hurting you too. Let them hide if they need to. They may want to be alone. Once they're calm and feeling well enough to socialize, you can ask them how you can help next time (if you'd like).
Don't be surprised if your roommate just needs to be alone sometimes. Autistic people can get overwhelmed and tired easily. Living in a non-autistic world can be draining. If they run away or hide, assume that they need quiet time. Don't take it personally. They may be too frazzled or tired to socialize. Autistic people tend to need more alone time than most people do. It's not personal. It's normal for autistic people to want quiet time after a demanding day. If they've just come back from class, then it might be a bad time to chat. (Try seeing whether they talk to you or whether they hide.) Some autistics enjoy hiding in quiet, dark spaces, like in the closet or under the bed. They're usually OK in there.
Accommodating Sensory Needs
Find out whether sensory issues exist, and be accommodating. Your roommate may be unable to handle certain noises, smells, or textures. It is important to respect these issues, because they may be highly bothersome or even physically painful to your roommate. For some autistic people, it can feel like the volume is turned up on their senses. They have no control over it, and it can be frustrating and upsetting to them. Imagine what it would be like if you lived in a noisy world full of flashing lights and bright colors. You might want to hide under the bed too.
Minimize noise if your roommate is sensitive. Some autistic people have a heightened sense of hearing, and may find noise distracting or painful, especially on a bad day. They may benefit from earplugs and/or white noise. Try to put dishes away quietly. Tasks that tend to involve piercing loud noises (e.g. dishes clattering when you unload the dishwasher) are best done when your roommate isn't in the room. Not all loud noises are things you can fix. For example, if you are near a busy street, then sports cars and motorcycles may hurt your roommate with their noise.
Avoid creating strong scents if your roommate has a sensitive nose. Try to minimize strong smells like scented candles (which are likely not allowed in your dorm anyway), scented air fresheners, or strong smells from cooking. Try investing in a non-scented air freshener, such as unscented Febreeze.
Tell them about bothersome sensory input if they're under-sensitive. Some autistic people have dulled senses, and thus may not notice things that bother you. If this happens, just politely point out the problem to them. "There's a funky smell coming from the fridge. Please check your food and see if anything is moldy or expired." "Please turn down your music or put on headphones so I can study." "Please take out your trash. I think something has gone bad inside."
Avoid startling them. Some autistic people, especially those with PTSD, may startle easily. Try not to accidentally sneak up on them or make sudden loud noises. Instead, quietly announce your presence. Knock before entering their room. If you need to make a loud noise (like turning on the vacuum or crushing a can), warn them. This way, they can prepare themselves, and cover their ears or run away if they need to.
Being Helpful
Ask your roommate if there's anything they'd like you to know about autism or their needs. They may have a few general things that they like people to know about them. If so, you can let them tell you. Some autistic people struggle with open-ended questions. If they say "I don't know," say "That's okay. You can always tell me if you think of anything, and I'll come to you if I have a specific question."
Ask them how to handle any specific problems. Since autistic people are a little different from non-autistic people, you may not always intuitively understand what's going on with your roommate or how you can be helpful. That's okay. Just ask them about it during a calm time. "Earlier, I saw you crying and rocking back and forth. You were covering your ears, so I thought you might want to be alone. If it happens again, should I leave you alone, or is there something I could do that would help?" "When I was watching TV and the president came on, you threw a piece of popcorn at the TV and ran away. Does the news upset you? Should I avoid watching it with you in the room?" "When we were watching the big romantic scene, I noticed you began rocking and making some cooing sounds. Is that a sign that something's wrong, or does it just mean you're enjoying the movie?" "I asked you for homework help last night because I saw your boyfriend being pushy, and I thought you looked uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable seeing his behavior. If it happens again, should I do the same thing, or is there something else that would be better?"
Talk to them before inviting people over. Having people (especially strangers) suddenly appear in the room can be stressful and disorienting to an autistic person. Give them a heads-up first so that they know people are coming.
Ask your roommate before moving their belongings. Some autistic people like their things to be "just so," and misplaced items can be distressing and disorienting to them. Routines help them stay calm and focused, and they may have a unique system of keeping things organized. Try to put shared items (like soap or paper towels) back in the same place each time. Talk to them before rearranging any shared furniture.
Talk to them about how to divide chores fairly, if applicable. In some roommate arrangements, everyone simply cleans up after themselves. But sometimes it's more complicated. If that's the case, work things out together. Autistic people often struggle with certain chores, so a conversation is the best way to figure out how to make it work fairly. Ask them what chores they're best at. Make them responsible for things they are good at doing. Write down chore responsibilities to help everyone remember. If they don't know how good is "good enough," discuss it and write it on the chore chart. For example, "It's done if the only things on the floor are furniture and backpacks" or "It's done if there are no visible spills on the table." Try implementing a "parallel work" strategy if your roommate is forgetful. For example, "At 4:00, I will come get you, and we can clean the kitchen together." In some cases, they just might need someone else to help them get started.
Try correcting them if they start engaging in negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can be a problem for many autistic people. You might feel sad to see them talk badly about themselves, whether they're saying it "jokingly" or not. Try briefly contradicting them if they say something self-deprecating. If they say "I'm a mess," you might reply "Your room's a mess, but your GPA and your art skills are quite impressive." If they say "I'm no good at this" when studying, you might remind them "This is hard material, and you're new to it. You don't have to be good at it right away." If they say "I don't deserve to be helped" you could say "I think everyone deserves a little help when they're struggling. I bet you'd do the same for me if I needed it." If they say "I'm sorry my sensory issues are so hard on you," you could reply "They're not your fault. And they're harder on you than on anyone else. I'm okay with making small adjustments so that I can know that my roommate is all right."
Handling Mishaps
Recognize that autistic people often don't realize when they've upset someone else. Your roommate may unintentionally do rude or thoughtless things, even though they probably mean well. Don't assume that your roommate will realize they upset you. It's important to be clear with them. Dropping hints is unlikely to work. Autistic people can be oblivious to hints, or they may notice that you're upset but have no idea why. Try to assume the best. Your roommate probably didn't mean any harm. Acknowledging their good intent is likely to help them relax and focus on listening.
Be gentle and direct when telling them that they've upset you. Since autistic people may struggle to pick up on subtleties, it's kindest to just be clear with them. Explain the problem non-judgmentally, describing the facts of the problem and how it affects you. Then tell them what you'd like them to do differently. Here are some examples: "Sometimes, I can hear your music playing loudly, and it makes it hard for me to focus. I knock on your door, but you don't answer. My guess is you can't hear me. Please lower your maximum volume in the future." "I know that you like to make babbling sounds to help you calm down after a busy day. When you do that while I am studying in the main room, I get distracted. Would you be okay with doing it in your bedroom with the door closed instead? That way we could both have a good time." "I noticed a strange odor from the fridge. Would you please check your food and get rid of anything that's expired?" "Sometimes I see the door left unlocked. Safety is important to me, and I worry that someone could break in or steal our things. Please remember to lock the door every time." "I think we have different standards of cleanliness. Could we work out some ground rules so that we can both be happy with our space?"
Avoid bad discussion habits. It's important to stay polite and considerate when discussing interpersonal problems. This is especially important if your roommate tends to panic or feel bad about themselves. You want to engage them in a constructive conversation, not scare them or make them feel awful. Wait until you are calm enough to talk politely. Here are some things to avoid: Accusations: "You are a slob" instead of "Please keep your things off the floor" All-or-nothing: "You always do this" instead of "Sometimes this happens" Yelling and aggression: "I am so f***ing sick of you!" instead of "I'm feeling frustrated"
Listen to their side of the story. Maybe they forgot, or didn't realize, or are struggling with something you weren't aware of. It's important to hear what's going on with them, so that you can understand the issue and help work on a solution together. If they start panicking over doing something wrong, give them a reality check. For example, "You're not a bad roommate. These things are normal. I'm not mad, and I don't blame you for not knowing. Let's talk about it, and make a plan to fix it. Then it'll all be okay."
Offer to help them if they're struggling with a task. It's not uncommon for autistic people to struggle with chores and other aspects of domestic life. If they mention that they're having a hard time getting something done, see if there's a way you can help them or rearrange chore responsibilities. Sometimes, they just need a little help from you. "I didn't know that washing dishes was so hard for you. I think it's okay if we just use the dishwasher. Does that work for you?" "I didn't know that the toilet cleaner smell was so overwhelming for you. Let's make deal: since you're so good at cleaning the kitchen, you wipe down the surfaces every week and I'll clean the toilet when you're in class. Would that work?" "So it sounds like you have a hard time remembering to do things. What if we scheduled a time where I came and got you, and we worked on cleaning together?"
Ask someone for advice if you're struggling with how to handle an issue. You may not always know how to best bring up or resolve an issue with your roommate. That's okay. Seek advice from a neutral party that can offer perspective on how to handle things. Your RA A trusted mentor The #AskingAutistics or #AskAnAutistic hashtags online (while being careful to protect your roommate's identity)
Talk to your RA if you believe that the situation is not working out. If the two of you are experiencing serious lifestyle conflicts, which can't be resolved through conversation, then it may be that the two of you would be better off living apart. Sharing a bedroom is not a good arrangement for some autistic people, who often need a quiet space of their own to retreat to. If you share a bedroom with an autistic roommate, then both of you may end up struggling. In this case, recommend that the autistic person be moved to a suite where they can have a private bedroom.
Being Friends
Recognize that some autistic people are more interested in friendship than others are. Regardless of autism, some people become best friends with their roommates, while others rarely speak to them. Your roommate may or may not be interested in being friends. Don't assume that unusual behavior means that your roommate doesn't want to be your friend. They may just express themselves differently. Most autistic people do want to make more friends, so it may be worth a try. You could try chatting with them, and inviting them to quiet social outings. If you can't read them, you can just ask "Would you like to be friends?" and see what they say.
Try finding out what your roommate is interested in. Most autistic people have "special interests," which are incredibly passionate interests. Talking about these interests is a great way to get an autistic person to open up to you and get excited. If you share an interest, this is a perfect conversation topic. Sometimes, autistic people get so wrapped up in their excitement that they don't realize the other person wants to end the conversation. If this happens, just gently say "I need to go now" or "I'm tired of talking about _____ for now. May I tell you about my day?"
Try taking the initiative to start hanging out. Autistic people can struggle with taking social initiative, and they may not know how to invite you. Instead, try being the one to extend invitations. If they say "no" once, that doesn't mean "no" forever. Sometimes it means "I'm too tired today" or "I really need alone time right now." But another day or another time might work.
Arrange quiet hangouts. Noisy, crowded places can be distracting or distressing for autistic people. Look for quieter places to spend time together, like a park or a quiet cafe. Your autistic friend might be a perfect companion on a road trip, but they probably aren't the best person to bring to a loud, packed concert. If you aren't sure if it's a good idea to take them somewhere, you can always ask them. Describe the place as needed, and ask if they think they would like to go there or not.
Remember that you don't have to pity them, or tiptoe around them. Yes, your roommate may have been through a lot. But they also have considerable strengths. Autistic people may be unconventional, but they're also funny, compassionate, loyal, sincere, and dedicated to helping their friends. With a little patience, acceptance, and understanding, you can end up with a wonderful new friend.
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