- If nobody feels right for you, you tend to lose yourself to your romantic partners, or you just want to be single, it might be time to take a break from dating.
- Use your dating break as an opportunity to focus on what you want from life/relationships and to nurture platonic friendships.
- Should you put yourself back out there, remember to adjust your expectations for your the first few dates and take things slow.
Signs of Dating Fatigue
Nobody feels right for you. If every date you’ve been on in the past few months feels dull and lifeless, chances are it’s not the dates themselves that are the problem. You might be experiencing dating fatigue, which has made you a bit more cynical and caused your recent romances to feel lazy. One major cause of dating fatigue is dating apps. Endlessly scrolling through potential matches can prevent you from truly connecting with one. Consider deleting apps like Tinder, bumble, and Hinge before you fully declare that all your dates are too boring.
You’re dating because you’re afraid to be alone. We’ve all been there. Being single can feel lonely and our fear of loneliness makes us likely to settle for less. Unfortunately, settling for less also means our needs and wants aren’t being fulfilled, so we try to find someone else. The fear makes us settle again and the cycle continues. Ironically, being single is often the best way to overcome the fear of being alone. Taking some time to yourself and practicing self-compassion can help you love and learn about yourself which makes it much easier to be in your own company.
You tend to forget who you are when you meet a potential partner. When you meet someone you really like, it’s totally natural to want them to like you back. However, downplaying or ignoring key aspects of personality to win their affection forces your true self into hiding and your own well-being takes a back seat. It’s only natural then, if you’re not prioritizing your own happiness, for you to feel defeated or like nothing’s working. Establishing boundaries is key to maintaining your sense of self. Kindly but firmly express your needs to your date whenever they arise. If there’s real potential for you two as a couple, they’ll understand and support you.
You’re struggling with low self-esteem. As cliche as it may sound, you can’t truly love someone until you know how to love yourself. You have so much to offer, but if you can’t recognize that, it’s hard to trust when someone else does. You may also be at higher risk of codependency, relying too heavily on your date’s positive perception of you rather than accepting how wonderful you are from within. You can absolutely develop self-esteem while dating other people through a mix of self-care, therapy, and positive thinking. However, it’s easier to develop a clearer sense of self without the pressure of how your partner sees you.
You want to be single. If your gut is telling you that you don’t want to be tied down, it’s best to follow your intuition. Our instincts are powerful tools that can offer us a lot of insight; if you’re content without a partner, embrace that. Instead of focusing on finding “the one,” focus on your mental health, your work, your creativity, your friendships, you. Being single doesn’t mean completely eliminating all romantic possibilities. You just don’t have to date with the intention of finding your soulmate. Enjoy flirting, going out for drinks, or even the casual hook-up from time to time.
Making the Most of Being Single
Build and nurture platonic friendships. Focus on spending quality time with people you care about, without the pressure of sexual or romantic tension. Learning to distribute your time among multiple important people in your life will make dating (and finding a partner) feel less overwhelming, should you decide to get back out on the scene. Setting up a weekly night out is an easy way to see your friends and maintain that connection regularly. Consider having a regular dinner at a restaurant you all like, having a game night, or just chilling at someone’s house while watching a movie. If you want to make new platonic friends, consider joining local clubs or volunteering for a cause you feel passionate about. Then, ask the people there if they’d want to hang out sometime. Your shared passion will make connecting easy.
Write down and adjust your romantic expectations. A dating break gives you the perfect opportunity to look inward and figure out what you expect out of your perfect partner. Visualize how your ideal soulmate looks, thinks, speaks, acts. Then, write out a list or make a vision board of exactly what you’re looking for, along with some thoughts on each expectation. Refer back to this list and figure out which standards feel too high, too low, or just right. Try sharing your list of standards with people you trust. They can offer insight into which expectations feel unreasonable, which ones feel valid, and which ones you’re not giving yourself enough credit for. For example, your loved ones can validate that “steady job” and “nice to strangers” are completely reasonable expectations. The can also remind you that a dealbreaker of “6’4 or taller” may be limiting your options for true happiness.
Expose yourself to your relationship fears so you can overcome them. Sometimes, we project our own fears and insecurities onto the people we’re dating. Take some time to reflect on what your worst case scenarios are in love: rejection, abandonment, loneliness. Then, confront them by exposing yourself to each fear, a little at a time. The more you let them in your life, the less debilitating each fear will seem. For example, if you’re trying to work through fear of rejection, it can help to try a new activity you know you won’t succeed at (karaoke singing, painting, gymnastics). Learning to embrace your failure and have fun anyway will help show you everybody gets rejected and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re trying to overcome fear of abandonment, focus on activities that make you feel self-sufficient without the help of others: volunteering, rock climbing, even video games. These can help you realize you don’t need external validation.
Reflect on past relationship patterns. Being single allows you to get a clear perspective on what may have gone wrong with past partnerships. Try journaling about these past loves and try to identify common threads. How long did you like this person? Was the love requited? How did they make you feel at the beginning? The end? What caused it to fizzle out? Knowing the causes of your dating troubles can help you pinpoint and correct them in the future. Creating a relationship inventory can also give you a clear picture of your attachment style and how it informs your dating life.
Figure out your non-negotiables. A dating hiatus is the perfect time to crystallize exactly what you refuse to compromise on. Having these set-in-stone boundaries before you begin a relationship will make it easier to know if and when a date isn’t working. Then, once you decide you may want to try dating again, communicate these non-negotiables early on. This will help your dates know what you’re looking for and make you less likely to waste each other’s time. Common non-negotiables include: smoking, wanting or not wanting children, politics, religion, and sense of humor. Some non-negotiables can be easily identified; others require some time together. Don’t let anyone judge you for your non-negotiables. Everyone’s preferences are different. If you truly can’t be with someone who wears uggs, that’s your truth, no matter how silly it may sound.
Enjoy the single life by relaxing and practicing self-care. Learn to date yourself while you’re single. Appreciate the fact that you don’t have to be emotionally responsible for anyone else. Focus on your own needs by practicing mindfulness, picking up new hobbies, or just relaxing and giving yourself the time to think about you. Go on some solo adventures while you’re breaking from dating. Travel somewhere you’ve never been, go camping, or just drive to the local park with nobody but you. Recognize that, sometimes, you can be your own best company. One of the biggest components of practicing self-care is health. Get in the habit of drinking 4-8 glasses of water a day and develop an exercise routine that you enjoy. It can be swimming, jogging, playing intramural sports, or even dancing.
Moving Forward with Dating
Remind yourself to be patient and enjoy the adventure of dating. If and when you decide to date again, shift your thinking to a place of abundance. There’s billions of single people in the world, so you’re bound to find someone. If a date doesn’t work out, see it as an opportunity to gain a new friend, even if you didn’t work romantically. Dating is a marathon, not a sprint. Know you’re worthy of love and enjoy the journey, even (in fact, especially) the awkward or strange encounters. It can help to verbalize some words of affirmation before each date. For example, you might say “I am deserving of love” or “I am a catch and will find someone who appreciates that” either out loud or in your head.
Go into each first date without expectations. Look at first dates as fun opportunities to meet new people rather than high-stakes assessments of love. Some people believe in love at first sight, but the truth is it takes a while to truly get to know someone. First dates are stage one. Remember that the goal is to see if there’s chemistry, not to find the person you’re marrying. Having no expectations on the first date can also help you firmly establish your non-negotiables and admit if it’s just a bad match.
Take things slow. Even if you’re certain you two are meant for each other, move your relationship at a reasonable pace. Keep your first few dates casual and fun, only hang out a few times a week, and wait at least a month before taking things to the next level. Taking a relationship slow also allows you to assess how happy you are more objectively since you’re not rushing into the honeymoon stage.
Don’t take rejections personally. Remember: if it doesn’t work out with someone, that just means you two weren’t compatible, not that you’re not datable. Recognize that, to truly meet the right one, you’re gonna have to meet the wrong one (probably a few times). Each time it doesn’t work out, you’re given new lessons to make you a better match for the person you’re meant to be with. Remember that rejection is normal. We’ve all been there and felt exactly how you feel right now. Show yourself some kindness after a rejection to help ease the pain. Consider renting your favorite movie or treating yourself to your favorite snack.
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