Navigating Conversations
Ask yourself if it’s really necessary. If he doesn’t like you anymore, accept the fact that he probably doesn’t want to shoot the breeze. Save yourself from any pain or embarrassment. Take a step back and think about whatever it is you want to talk to him about. If it’s something that you really need to discuss, go ahead and do so. But if you’re just using this an excuse to have one more talk with him, bite your tongue and let it go.
Be polite. Regardless of what you need to talk about, ensure that your conversation will be productive by acting civil. Keep a calm, neutral tone. Address him the same way that you would, say, ask for help from a clerk at a store, like: “Hey, do you have a second? I just need to ask you something real quick.” “Hi there. Do you mind if I ask you something if you’re not busy?” “Sorry to interrupt, but could I steal you away for a few seconds?”
Get straight to the point. Anticipate the likelihood that he probably doesn’t want to get involved in a meandering conversation. Don’t beat around the bush trying to get to whatever it is you need to discuss. Bring it up first thing in a matter-of-fact way so he doesn’t feel like you’re wasting his time or acting clingy. For instance, just say: “I just remembered that I left my sweater at your place. Do you mind bringing it in tomorrow?” “Doug called me last night to say he’s going to be in town next week, and he wants to see you. Just letting you know.” “I just wanted to return that book you lent me. Here you go.”
Avoid long speeches about difficult topics. If what you need to talk about is way more serious than a lost sweater, don’t go on and on about it. Say your piece as clearly and simply as you can, and leave it at that. Avoid repeating or paraphrasing yourself so you don’t lose his attention or make him feel defensive, since this will only make him act less responsive. For example, if you need to find out why he stopped talking to you all of a sudden, address the issue briefly and directly, like: "I'm just confused about why you've stopped talking to me. I'm not sure if it's because it's something I said or did. I'd like to know why." Of course, what you have to say may be a little complex. If so, write it down and rehearse it beforehand. Aim to say everything you need to say in five minutes or less.
Switch topics if the conversation turns into a fight. Shelve whatever issue you’re talking about if you both find yourselves arguing over it. Redirect the conversation to another topic to get it moving in a positive direction again. For example: Let’s say the two of you were in a relationship and adopted a dog together, which is a pretty big deal. Now you’re arguing about whether only one of you will keep it or if you’ll both share custody, and you’ve reached a stalemate. Just say, “We can deal with this later,” and bring up a new topic that you need to discuss. Ideally, pick one that he’s likely to agree with you about, like, say, cancelling reservations for that Vegas vacation you booked before breaking up. The more that the two of you come to agreements about easy subjects, the more receptive he’ll be when you need to return to the more difficult ones. This isn’t a guarantee that he’ll change his mind, but it should at least reset the tone so it’s more civil.
Text or email if that works better. Write him a line if talking in person is too awkward, painful, or counterproductive. Give yourself the chance to put yourself in his shoes while reading it over and rephrase your message if needed. Give him the chance to process what you have to say without feeling put on the spot. This way he can really think things over before responding. Similarly, use the post office if you need to send or return something, like that book he lent you. Stick in a simple note like “Didn’t want you to think I stole it,” put it in the mailbox, and be done with it.
Figuring Out What Went Wrong
Don’t spend more time than needed on this. It might sound counter-intuitive, but going over what went wrong is an important step in healing, and yet it can also also prolong hurt feelings and confusion if you overdo it. How much time you need depends entirely on you, but aim to find the right balance. Go over your relationship to find the answers you need, and then put it behind you. For example, if he's grown distant because he's started hanging out with a much different crowd, acknowledging this is necessary for you to come to terms with what happened, but dwelling on it won't really accomplish anything.
Review your relationship in order to move on. Identify what went wrong, but avoid the temptation of using your answers as a means to correcting mistakes and winning him back. Instead, aim to learn from your experience so you can apply those lessons to future relationships. Keep the future in mind, not the past. For instance, let's say that he broke things off because you betrayed a secret that he told you in confidence. Whether he can trust you again is up to him. All you can do is learn from this so you can avoid repeating the same mistake with someone else.
Ask yourself if he was right for you. Whether your relationship was romantic or platonic, perhaps the easiest explanation of why things went wrong is that the two of you weren’t well suited for each other. Evaluate your own wants, needs, hopes, and interests. Compare them with his. If they’re wildly different, also look back on other guys in your life. Ask yourself if they fall into a pattern so you know what to avoid in the future.
Keep your emotions in check. Emotions are a fact of life, so don’t feel guilty about feeling whatever feelings come to you. However, keep in mind that a successful, mature relationship often requires you to have some (if not total) control over those feelings. Evaluate how often you allowed yourself to be swept away by them, especially the negative ones, like anger.
Examine how you deal with fights and disagreements. Things may have been great between you two as long as everything else was fine, but his feelings may have changed after the two of you found yourself at odds. Think back about how you handled yourself in those moments. Ask yourself if there was a more positive way you could have approached them in order to resolve conflicts.
Dealing with Your Loss
Accept the situation. It’s okay to wish that things didn’t turn out this way, but don’t deny your new reality. Remember that it’s much tougher to get over something if you don’t accept that it happened in the first place. You may not like it, but embrace the fact that he doesn’t like you anymore so you can deal with it.
Give yourself time to recoup. Chances are that you feel out of sorts and a little less than enthusiastic about life in general. Don’t treat this is a failure on your part. Allow yourself some time to grieve. Keep in mind that this will help you heal far faster than pretending nothing’s wrong will.
Expect a wide range of emotions. Don’t beat yourself for being “crazy” just because you feel depressed one minute, ticked off the next, and uncertain after that. View this as a perfectly normal reaction to losing his favor. It isn’t fun, but take comfort in the fact that it won’t last forever. For now, just ride it out as best as you can.
Express yourself. Avoid bottling everything up. Share what you’re feeling with your friends and family if you have a strong support network. If not (or if you’re just uncomfortable with sharing at this stage), start a journal and articulate your feelings in there. Use either method or both to air yourself out and put your feelings into perspective.
Focus on you, not him. Avoid unnecessary contact with him. Stop dwelling on what he might be up to or how he’s feeling. Concentrate instead on what you’re up to and how you’re feeling. Recognize the fact that the longer you keep him front and center in your mind, the longer it will take for you to get over him.
Wish him the best to make yourself feel good. Obviously, your emotions at times might swing toward hating this guy or wishing him ill, and that’s okay, as long as it’s temporary. However, don’t hold onto those feelings. Even if he acted like a jerk, resist the temptation to bear any grudges. Remember that the longer you harbor mean thoughts, the meaner you’ll feel in general.
Engage in new activities. If the two of you used to spend lots of time together, you probably have a lot of free time on your hands now, so make use of it. Start a new hobby, join a class, and/or just make more plans with old friends. Occupy both your time and your brain so you don’t spend it all dwelling on his absence.
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