- Be informed about what you're asking for so that when you present your case to your parents, you know exactly what to say and can argue confidently and calmly.
- Show your parents you're responsible in other areas of your life to convince them to give you what you want.
- Come up with compromises to help convince your parents to say yes. Work out an agreement that will make both of you happy.
Pick the right time and place to approach the subject.
Find a time when your parents seem relaxed and happy. It is not a good idea to ask for something when either parent seems stressed, distracted, or tired. Usually, family dinner time is a safe bet. Grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving? Probably not optimal. Don't bring it up when they’re not in a good mood, and especially not if they’re upset at you. In other words, don’t ask for more time to play Minecraft" right after they find out you bombed your last math test.
Be calm, cool, and collected.
Maintain a calm tone during the talk. Asking for something can be an emotional experience: you might feel passionate about the thing you’re asking for, and you might feel angry or frustrated if your parents say no. Nevertheless, try to maintain a calm attitude while you talk to your parents, even if they say no. Try not to complain or get too frustrated. Studies show negotiation is way more successful if it’s done calmly and rationally. Even if you end up not getting your way, behaving maturely throughout will set the tone for future discussions that may go your way.
Make them want it too!
Let them know how it benefits them. Many times parents say no to something because it's an inconvenience for them. Either it costs them money or time or both. Because you are likely asking for them to do something for you, emphasize that it could also benefit them. Both of you get something out of the situation, so why not? If you're asking for a phone, make it clear that they can use your new number to check up on you. If you're asking for an extended curfew, emphasize that that means more free time for them.
Be patient, and don't expect an answer right away.
Give them time to think about it. Don't force them to give you an answer right away. Tell them to get back to you in a couple of hours or days with any questions or concerns they have. Let them know that you want to discuss this as mature, responsible adults and you are willing to work through any potential issues. Say it like that, and you'll be sure to impress them with how well-rounded and balanced your argument is. Arrange a specific time to talk about it. That way they'll be less likely to respond with "Oh, we haven't discussed it yet.” Saying “Let’s discuss it next Tuesday at dinner” makes it more likely to happen.
Be flexible.
Compromise with them. Work out an agreement that makes both you and your parents happy. If you’re asking for a new phone, offer to pay for part of the phone bill or do extra chores around the house in exchange. Make sure they are getting something out of this as well. After all, it's likely they're going to end up taking care of part of it, regardless of what it is. If you want a dog, work out a compromise regarding who is going to take care of it. The responsibility doesn't end with a pet after it's bought, and that's likely what they're worrying about. Come up with a plan for if you don't hold up your end of the deal, too. This shows that you mean business and are willing to make sacrifices. EXPERT TIP Julie Krizner Julie Krizner Licensed Professional Counselor Julie Krizner is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the Executive Director at Axiom Family Counseling Services. With over 10 years of professional experience in the mental health field, Julie is trained in trauma, marriage, and family therapy. Her clinics have programs that specialize in addiction and she has extensive knowledge about addiction and medications to assist with overcoming it. Julie is a Certified Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor in the state of Pennsylvania. She received her Bachelor's degree in Psychology from Saint Vincent College and a Master's in Mental Health Counseling from Capella University. Julie Krizner Julie Krizner Licensed Professional Counselor If you need permission from your parents to do something, choose a good time to introduce the idea. When trying to convince your parents to let you do something new, set a specific time to thoughtfully discuss it instead of arguing randomly. Come prepared with logical reasons explaining why this matters to you, and be open to negotiating some concessions or check-ins to ease their worries.
If they say no, ask why (politely).
There's nothing wrong with asking what their reasons are. As long as you ask “why” maturely without getting defensive, most parents will be happy to give you reasons. Try to address any concerns they have. If your rebuttal is convincing enough, it may change their minds. Of course, even if you address their concerns, it still may not convince them. Be sure not to push too hard, or a temporary “no” may become a permanent one.
Clean up your act.
If they say no, stay on your best behavior to change their minds. Try showing them over the next few weeks or months that you’re responsible and deserving of what you want. Start getting good grades (if you aren't already), do chores around the house without them asking you, and stay out of trouble. Make sure they know that you're responsible enough to get or do that specific thing you're asking about. As mentioned previously, sometimes you may have to put in the time. A couple of days of being on good behavior might not be convincing, but a few weeks? That could do the trick.
Be nice to them even though they said no.
Don't make it obvious that you're upset. Be kind to them and act as you normally would. They may act like they don't care, but they are smiling inside and it will help you in the long run. It can also start making them feel a little guilty, which may not be a bad thing in this situation. The kinder you are, the more they'll feel bad they said no, which could lead to a change of heart.
Write a letter.
Sometimes, parents respond better to having an argument written out. Write a convincing and persuading letter that explains to your parents why you deserve what you're trying to get. Writing a letter also shows you’re dedicated, and your parents will be impressed at the mature way you're handling the situation. Make sure it's handwritten and presented nicely. They'll see how much work you put into it and how much it means to you. It's a good starting point for showing how much work you're willing to put in later, too. If you put this much work into a letter, maybe you will take care of Fluffy, pick up her poo, and take her for walks when she needs them.
Let it be.
Sometimes you have to let a decision go for the moment. Simply say, "OK, thanks for discussing it with me," and walk away. You can try again at another time. Keep showing that you are responsible and your parents might change their minds. After all, you get older and more mature every day. You should broach the topic at a later date, but don't be too rushed with it. Respect their wishes, and they'll be more likely to respect (and grant) yours.
Do background research on the thing you want.
Learn the ins and outs of your topic before making your case. Before you go to your parents to ask for that new puppy, make sure you know exactly what adopting a pet requires. Having a good understanding of what you'll be asking your parents about will help you present your case successfully; by knowing your topic inside and out, you’ll have confident answers for their (many, many) questions. If you want them to let you have a dog, research how much maintenance the dog will require, how much it will cost to have one, and the pros of adopting a dog. Know the downsides of the thing you’re asking for—and be upfront about them. Ignoring the cons will not help your case: instead, mention the cons and how you would go about navigating them. To help you remember your main points when it comes time to talk to your parents, try writing down a few notes and have them on hand when you broach the subject. Doing your research is also a great way to make sure you know what you’re getting into. For instance, you may decide after learning more about what it takes to have a pet that you’ve changed your mind.
Assemble credible sources your parents can trust.
You're more likely to persuade them if they have background info. Your parents will consider what you want more if they have some background information on what it is you're asking for. The more familiar they are with it, the less "scary" or "risky" it is, and the more likely they are to say yes. For example, if you want to spend the night at someone else's house, make sure your parents have access to your friend's house number, know your friend's parents' names, and know where the house is. If you want a body piercing or tattoo, have the number of the establishment or some reliable websites about the practice itself. Researching your subject will not only help your parents feel more confident in granting what you’re asking; it will also help you seem more mature, making them more likely to grant your request! Go a step further and cite any sources that you use so your parents can do more investigation themselves.
Show you’re responsible in other areas of your life.
Do your chores and homework before you ask for a favor. If you ask for a cat but you haven’t cleaned your room in 2 weeks, it’s going to be tough to persuade your parents to give you the OK. So before you invite them to sit down and talk about how the family would benefit from a rambunctious little kitten, make sure you’ve done all your chores and shown yourself to be generally responsible and respectful. Don't just make your bed that day after leaving it unmade all week. Do your chores for several days or weeks in advance to convince your parents you’re really responsible. You may have to play the long game here. If you already do do all your chores every day...you should have no problem getting what you want. (If you do, tell your parents we’d like a word with them.)
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