But ever since I had one child, and then another- I have been listening in to tales of the "mommy wars". The divide between mothers that have jobs outside the home, and those that choose to stay home to take care of their kids.
I remember a friend of mine telling me that she had given up trying to explain why she chose to quit her job so as to take care of her kids. "Conversation stops," she said "Whenever I tell anyone this. Clearly they would be much happier if I could give them a nice sounding job title instead. So at parties, when I am asked- what do you do- I say I am currently 'bringing up the next generation'. What do you do?" Nothing they can reply sounds half as grand.
On the other hand, in a room full of moms, you almost always find the mums-in-offices on a backfoot. Trying to explain how their work doesn't really affect the children, how they really are able to carve out lots of time to spend with the children- always trying to fight the label of bad-mommy-who-leaves-her-kids-alone.
You may think I am exaggerating of course- but I know- because I have straddled both spheres. I have been a mole in both camps.
Let me explain- I decided, in a sudden moment, that I wanted to quit work when I had my first-thinking that was the most natural thing to do. The first missile landed right then. As I handed in my resignation- my boss, a woman to boot- said "I am so disappointed in you. I never thought you would give up working to have kids." Bam- that hit me right where I hadn't expected it to hurt.
In the months to come, I recieved other missiles, grenades, even poisoned arrows on the subject of how I had let down other women at work. "How do you expect women anywhere to be taken seriously in an office, if you all keep dropping like flies the moment you get pregnant, " was a common one I heard." No need to reply, I thought, as I reached for another slice of pizza/samosa/tub of icecream etc. Boy I ate a lot then.
And slowly I found my place amongst bright,talented women who genuinely enjoyed spending the day with kids- having the time to pick them and drop them from play school, meeting and making time for family and friends, and also being really proud of the wonderful homes they created. When I look back- being a mommy at home is very hard work, its a daily grind of maintaining a your home with all the drudgework, and caring for kids, but with little appreciation from others. I knew I was a bit of an imposter in the group- but I never think mommies-at-home have it easy.
Even so, that side has its own piercing arsenal. And as I tried to get back to work(finding creative ways to write my resume, so no one could figure out all the years spent running on the 'mommy-track'), I started to get small hints, and then big ones. It seemed inconcievable to me that my personal restlessness- that was pushing me back to finding a job in the outside world- was somehow a rejection of their way of life.
Now I was dealing with a string of salvos that questioned how any loving mother of two could possibly want more- like a job? Over the years, my shield went up- and I would start loading the guns, as soon as I heard the words. "So you're a journalist? Uh-huh, how do your kids cope?"I also found that the question is asked much more by other women than it is by men.
The mommy mahabharata takes a particularly competitive strain once your kids are in school- because thats where the mommies-at-home have a real advantage.
They know all the days for school events, they can read all the latest books to the children- and they always produce the best home made cakes/dhokla/parathas on picnics. And the most well-planned birthday parties.
A book I once read on the mommy divide began with the author coming home from a business trip at 2 am and mashing store-bought muffins on the head so they would look "home-made" for the class party! Now thats something I (unfortunately) relate to.
And I confess, I really envy mommies-at-home that moment when the children come home from school,bursting with stories of the day. Stories that I know I miss out on a lot of the time- because they are forgotten by the time I come home.
I know working outside the home is my choice- its not a choice my kids made. But I think that given a choice, my kids will always be happy to see me happy- and that works for me. I also realise now that the questions I get asked aren't necessarily an adverse judgement on me- a lot of the time, it is just plain
curiousity.
So let's call a ceasefire- the divide between mommies-at-home and mommies-in-offices needn't be quite so deep. Or permanent. After all, women should be free to go from taking a job to staying at home, without having to cross some checkposted border.
In any case- I am now totally disarmed- my kids need all the swords/guns/arrows to go win the latest viperforce/ pokemon/ beyblade/duel-master's challenge! :)
About the AuthorSuhasini Haidar Suhasini Haidar is Diplomatic Editor, The Hindu. Earlier, she was a senior editor and prime time anchor for India's leading 24-hour English news chann...Read Morefirst published:March 17, 2006, 11:08 ISTlast updated:March 17, 2006, 11:08 IST
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It's the war no one talks about- and that's partially because, many don't realise it exists. Not the women- who are so busy working out their own schedule with kids, husbands, dogs and the goldfish bowl- and certainly not the men (who, lets face it, don't notice all that much :))
But ever since I had one child, and then another- I have been listening in to tales of the "mommy wars". The divide between mothers that have jobs outside the home, and those that choose to stay home to take care of their kids.
I remember a friend of mine telling me that she had given up trying to explain why she chose to quit her job so as to take care of her kids. "Conversation stops," she said "Whenever I tell anyone this. Clearly they would be much happier if I could give them a nice sounding job title instead. So at parties, when I am asked- what do you do- I say I am currently 'bringing up the next generation'. What do you do?" Nothing they can reply sounds half as grand.
On the other hand, in a room full of moms, you almost always find the mums-in-offices on a backfoot. Trying to explain how their work doesn't really affect the children, how they really are able to carve out lots of time to spend with the children- always trying to fight the label of bad-mommy-who-leaves-her-kids-alone.
You may think I am exaggerating of course- but I know- because I have straddled both spheres. I have been a mole in both camps.
Let me explain- I decided, in a sudden moment, that I wanted to quit work when I had my first-thinking that was the most natural thing to do. The first missile landed right then. As I handed in my resignation- my boss, a woman to boot- said "I am so disappointed in you. I never thought you would give up working to have kids." Bam- that hit me right where I hadn't expected it to hurt.
In the months to come, I recieved other missiles, grenades, even poisoned arrows on the subject of how I had let down other women at work. "How do you expect women anywhere to be taken seriously in an office, if you all keep dropping like flies the moment you get pregnant, " was a common one I heard." No need to reply, I thought, as I reached for another slice of pizza/samosa/tub of icecream etc. Boy I ate a lot then.
And slowly I found my place amongst bright,talented women who genuinely enjoyed spending the day with kids- having the time to pick them and drop them from play school, meeting and making time for family and friends, and also being really proud of the wonderful homes they created. When I look back- being a mommy at home is very hard work, its a daily grind of maintaining a your home with all the drudgework, and caring for kids, but with little appreciation from others. I knew I was a bit of an imposter in the group- but I never think mommies-at-home have it easy.
Even so, that side has its own piercing arsenal. And as I tried to get back to work(finding creative ways to write my resume, so no one could figure out all the years spent running on the 'mommy-track'), I started to get small hints, and then big ones. It seemed inconcievable to me that my personal restlessness- that was pushing me back to finding a job in the outside world- was somehow a rejection of their way of life.
Now I was dealing with a string of salvos that questioned how any loving mother of two could possibly want more- like a job? Over the years, my shield went up- and I would start loading the guns, as soon as I heard the words. "So you're a journalist? Uh-huh, how do your kids cope?"I also found that the question is asked much more by other women than it is by men.
The mommy mahabharata takes a particularly competitive strain once your kids are in school- because thats where the mommies-at-home have a real advantage.
They know all the days for school events, they can read all the latest books to the children- and they always produce the best home made cakes/dhokla/parathas on picnics. And the most well-planned birthday parties.
A book I once read on the mommy divide began with the author coming home from a business trip at 2 am and mashing store-bought muffins on the head so they would look "home-made" for the class party! Now thats something I (unfortunately) relate to.
And I confess, I really envy mommies-at-home that moment when the children come home from school,bursting with stories of the day. Stories that I know I miss out on a lot of the time- because they are forgotten by the time I come home.
I know working outside the home is my choice- its not a choice my kids made. But I think that given a choice, my kids will always be happy to see me happy- and that works for me. I also realise now that the questions I get asked aren't necessarily an adverse judgement on me- a lot of the time, it is just plain
curiousity.
So let's call a ceasefire- the divide between mommies-at-home and mommies-in-offices needn't be quite so deep. Or permanent. After all, women should be free to go from taking a job to staying at home, without having to cross some checkposted border.
In any case- I am now totally disarmed- my kids need all the swords/guns/arrows to go win the latest viperforce/ pokemon/ beyblade/duel-master's challenge! :)
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