How long does the honeymoon phase last with a narcissist?
The honeymoon lasts until long-term commitment is in sight. This could take weeks or months, depending on the dynamics of your relationship. Narcissists tend to be very skilled at dating or early stage-relationships, but when it’s clear that the relationship is moving in a long-term direction, they tend to cause serious problems. Every relationship with a narcissist is different. The honeymoon phase is a common feature in relationships with narcissists, but your own experience might be different.
In a normal relationship, the honeymoon phase lasts up to 2 years. Some couples might not experience one at all, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t have a strong relationship. With a narcissist, however, it’s likely that the honeymoon phase will be shorter and more intense, as the narcissist provides their partner with adoration up until their bond is established. During this honeymoon phase, a narcissist might make you feel incredibly adored and cared for. You may even believe that you’ve found your soulmate very quickly.
What are the other phases in a relationship with a narcissist?
After the honeymoon, you typically move into the devaluation phase. During this phase, the narcissist begins to gradually start criticizing you or deriding you. Because this change is gradual, you might not notice this behavior until weeks or even months after it’s started. Some signs you’ve moved into the devaluation phase include humiliating you in front of others, immediately dismissing your point of view, questioning your intelligence, or simply treating you like a second-class citizen. If you suspect that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, keep track of moments when they seem to devalue you. Otherwise, you may only realize you’ve been treated poorly months later. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Catching these kinds of behaviors early and confronting the narcissist about them head-on can keep the devaluation phase from escalating.
A narcissist may then discard you. During the discard phase, a narcissist may explicitly end their relationship with you. They may also stay in the relationship but give you a final dismissal, saying something like, “I want nothing to do with you,” and leaving you to pick up the pieces. If a narcissist discards you, treat this as an opportunity to leave the relationship altogether. There are many fulfilling relationships waiting for you on the other side of this one. Once you understand that a narcissist will never give you the kind of love you deserve, you can free yourself from them.
If they didn’t end your relationship, they may try to suck you back in. This is a process called “hoovering,” during which the narcissist returns to the same tactics of adoring you and treating you well that they using during the honeymoon phase. Even if it’s tough, try to resist: if you allow them to bring you back into their orbit, they will likely repeat this cycle again. Before getting hoovered back into a relationship, try talking to a neutral friend or therapist about your relationship. They can give you the perspective you need to resist the narcissist’s allure.
How to Manage a Relationship with a Narcissist
Assert your own right to space. Narcissists tend to not give you any space in discussions, instead opting to shut you down or talk over you. Remember you have your own experience of the relationship and deserve to share it, rather than let the narcissist dictate everything. Claim space by saying something like: “I see what you’re saying. Would you mind if I said a few words?” “I’d like to share how I see things.” “I’ve heard what you have to say. Give me a chance to respond.”
Try to deescalate arguments instead of winning them. Narcissists won’t let you be right, since they believe your purpose is to serve them, not contradict them. Getting into an argument over the details of a situation isn’t likely to go anywhere constructive. Depending on how the narcissist acts, try responding in the following ways: If your partner says something hurtful to you, reply, “I disagree with your assessment of me,” and change the subject. If you feel an argument getting heated, say, “I’m going to think about what you said. Let’s take a break from this conversation for now and revisit it tonight.” If you feel unsafe, please leave the room as quickly and safely as possible.
Set boundaries with the narcissist. Every relationship needs boundaries, but they’re especially important with a narcissist. A good strategy to set boundaries is empathic confrontation, where you acknowledge you see where the narcissist believes they’re coming from, and then set a strict boundary. For example: “I know that you care about me, but when you criticize me in front of our friends, it makes me feel embarrassed and humiliated. If you do this again, I’m going to leave whatever social event we’re at.” “I know that you’re intelligent, but when you dismiss my opinions, it makes me feel like you don’t value me. If you keep shutting down my contributions, I don’t want to listen to you talk about work anymore.” “I know that you’re upset, but when you threaten to end our relationship every time we have a disagreement, I feel insecure about how strong it is. If you do this again, I’m going to leave.”
Spend time with your friends and family. A narcissist might try to isolate you from your other relationships, but it’s important that you maintain a strong connection with them. Inviting a friend to coffee or picking up the phone to talk to a family member is a great way of reminding yourself what relationships of mutual care look like and help you heal. If you are wondering if the way the narcissist in your life is acting is “normal,” ask a friend. They can give you a helpful outsider perspective. You don’t need to spend your time with your friends and family talking about the narcissist. Even a casual, friendly conversation can help remind you of life outside this relationship.
Talk to a therapist to recover. Although narcissists rarely seek therapy, you can certainly benefit from it. Find a therapist who has experience helping people in relationships with narcissists. Inquiring before your first session about whether they have experience or training working with survivors of narcissistic abuse can help you find the right fit. Certain people end up repeatedly entering relationships with narcissists over their life. This may be due to childhood trauma. Speaking with a therapist can help you unpack these feelings.
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