Preparing to Ask for Forgiveness
Think about what you did to upset the person. Before you can develop an apology, you need to identify what you did to upset the person. It is important to know which of your specific actions led to the person being upset with you. If you are uncertain about why the person is mad at you, you should ask what specific things upset them. Example scenario 1: I embarrassed my friend by making a scene at his party. Example scenario 2: I snapped at my spouse and was irritable and short all day
Understand why you did what you did. In addition to understanding what you did to upset someone, you also need to understand why you did it. While you don't want to use your intentions as an excuse, your reasons may help you develop your apology by helping you to take responsibility for your actions. Example scenario 1: I made a scene at the party because I was feeling left out and wanted more attention. Example scenario 2: I treated my spouse this way because I did not sleep well the night before and I had a lot of things on my mind.
Empathize with the person you wronged. It is important to develop a sense of empathy for the person to whom you are apologizing. Having empathy means that you understand why your actions hurt the other person because you have put yourself in their shoes and imagined their pain. Without empathy, your apology may end up sounding empty and insincere. Before apologizing to someone, take the time to develop your empathy for the person. Imagine if the same thing had happened to you. How would you feel? What would you do? Example scenario 1: If my friend made a scene at a party I was giving, I would feel angry and betrayed. Example scenario 2: If my spouse had snapped at me for no reason and treated me badly all day, I would feel hurt and confused.
Remember that your mistake does not make you a bad person. Apologizing can be hard because it requires you to admit that you have done something wrong. Just remember that by apologizing, you are not admitting to being a bad person. One study found that taking a few moments to affirm your good qualities (in private, before you apologize to someone) can make the apology easier. Try taking a moment to yourself before your next apology, look at yourself in the mirror, and say three things that you like about yourself.
Write out your apology. If you have many things that you need to say to the person, you may want to write out your apology before you apologize. By writing your apology out, you will have an easier time knowing what you need to say. You can also keep the notes with you when you actually apologize to remind yourself. By taking the time to write out your apology, you will demonstrate to the other person that you have thought long and hard about your mistake. Your apology will be understood as even more sincere as a result. Apologizing in person is preferable. But if you cannot reach the person by phone or in person, you can still email or snail mail your apology to the person.
Asking For Forgiveness
Apologize to the person you have wronged. The first thing you need to do when you ask forgiveness of someone is to express remorse for your actions. In other words, you need to make it clear that you feel sorry about what you have done. This can be accomplished easily if you start out by saying, “I'm sorry,” or “I apologize.” Strengthen your statement of remorse by saying exactly what you are sorry about. For example, “I am sorry for making a scene at your party.” Or, “I apologize for snapping at you and being so short with you yesterday.”
Explain why you did what you did, but don't make excuses. It is important to reveal the motivation behind your actions, but you have to be careful not to use your motivation as an excuse. Simply tell the person what caused you to do or say the things that you did. Keep this portion of the apology short and make it clear that you are not trying to use it as an excuse for your actions. For example, “I made a scene because I was feeling left out and wanted more attention, but that's no excuse for my behavior.” Or, “I acted that way because I did not sleep well the night before and I had a lot of things on my mind, but that is not your fault and it was wrong for me to take it out on you.”
Demonstrate empathy. In addition to making sure that the person knows you are accepting responsibility for your actions, you should also make it clear that you understand how you made them feel. Tell the person how you imagine or know that you made them feel. For example, “By making a scene at your party I know that I embarrassed you in front of your new friends from work.” Or, “By acting that way towards you, I probably made you feel unappreciated.”
Try to make things right. Once you have addressed what you did, why you did it, and why it was wrong, you need to make things right. In other words, you need to tell the person what you intend to do in the future to prevent another similar situation. This may be accomplished by providing a plan for future scenarios or by saying how you will respond differently in the future. For example, “In the future, I will talk to someone about how I am feeling rather than acting out.” Or, “The next time I am having a bad day, I will take some time to myself and try not to project my anger onto you.”
Show them that you've changed. It is important to demonstrate the amount of time and effort that you have put into your apology and the efforts you are making to avoid a similar situation in the future. If you took the time to correct the mistake you made, tell the person about how you corrected it. It shows a willingness to admit you're wrong, as well as a sincere desire to atone for a mistake. Example: "I've even changed after that incident. I'm trying to find productive outlets for my anger. I'm going to the gym and taking kickboxing classes. I've even talked with a therapist about confronting some of my anger issues."
Ask for their forgiveness. Once you have apologized, you can ask the other person to forgive you. This may be the most difficult part of the apology because there is always a chance that the person will not forgive you. In fact, you should demonstrate your understanding by allowing the person that option. Just keep in mind that you can try again if the person is not ready to forgive and try not to get discouraged. Example: "I care about you a lot and I value our friendship. Will you please forgive me?"
Try to sweeten the deal. Compensate for your mistake by doing something good for the person you have wronged. Approach them with a bunch of flowers or a card with a written note. Show them that your actions are not just about relieving yourself of guilt, but making them feel better, too. Just don't rely on flowers or some other gift as a stand-in for a sincere apology.
Dealing with Disappointment
Expect little, but hope for the best. If you expect to be forgiven and aren't, you're understandably going to be really disappointed. If you expect very little and are forgiven, then you'll be a lot happier. Prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best.
Be understanding. If the person does not forgive you, show empathy. Say something like "That's okay, I don't know if I could forgive myself either. I just hope that time can bring us closer together again. I really value your friendship." Don't get mad at the other person for not forgiving you. Forgiveness is a privilege, not a right. Remember that you're more likely to be forgiven if you're a likable and understanding person afterward.
Be patient. Small transgressions may be forgiven easily, but some wounds need time to heal. Do not expect to be forgiven easily if what you did was especially hurtful. Even if your request for forgiveness is denied, continue trying. Apologizing in person is usually the best method, but if that is impossible, reach them through other means of communication. Text them, send emails, but do not give up.
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