How to Confidently Speak Up for Yourself

Speaking up in a Group Setting

Do your homework so you’re prepared to speak. You’ll be more confident if you complete the assigned reading or know about the products your company sells. If you know what you’re talking about, you might be less nervous about getting mixed up when you speak. If you have trouble participating in class, read your assigned chapter closely, and jot down comments that you could make. Try to anticipate topics you’ll discuss in class. For instance, your teacher might ask about a short story’s conflict or characters.

Try writing down what you want to say. Keep in mind you don’t want to read your notes verbatim without raising your eyes from your pad. Instead, use your notes to get organized and to stay on track if you start to lose your train of thought. For example, when you read an assignment, think of questions you could ask in class. Note anything that confuses you or observations you could make. Write them down in a notebook, and visualize yourself raising your hand and speaking loudly and clearly. Before a work meeting, write down a few ideas or any issues that you want to mention. You might write down your new marketing idea, or that you think the sales team needs to learn more about how the products they sell are manufactured.

Find opportunities to speak early in a meeting. Do your best to get your point across in the first 10 or 15 minutes. Early on, meetings tend to be more organized and slower-paced. As time goes on, the pace will probably pick up, and people will begin to speak out of turn or interrupt each other. When you want to interject, speak loudly, but try not to shout. Keep in mind preparing in advance can help you develop the confidence to interject in a fast-paced, loud conversation. Come out and say your idea, or start with something like, “I’d like to expand on that point,” “While we’re on this topic,” or “If I may.” Raising your hand or making a gesture could also help you quickly call attention to yourself.

Listen closely when other people speak. Actively listening to others is key if you want to speak up with more confidence. During conversations, meetings, or lectures, pay close attention to the speaker. Process their words and try to digest their meaning instead of daydreaming or thinking about how you might respond. If you listen to what other people in a group are saying, you might think of more things to say. You might feel that you spend all of your time listening and never get a chance to speak. Just try to pay attention and do your best to find opportunities to express yourself.

Prioritize your work or education over sparing other people’s feelings. You might feel that raising your concerns or pointing out that something is wrong will hurt someone’s feelings. While you don’t want to be rude or accusatory, you shouldn’t be silent because you’re afraid of offending someone. Maybe you noticed an error in a blueprint at work, but you’re afraid to bring it up because you don’t want to embarrass the person who made it. You can correct the issue tactfully without calling the person out in front of the entire department. Be clear and direct if you need to bring up an issue, but cushion your statement so you don’t sound too aggressive. For instance, “I think we need to reevaluate our quarterly quotas,” comes off better than, “These quotas are just completely unrealistic.”

Pull someone aside to talk about difficult subjects. Whether you’re a manager or a high schooler, delivering harsh criticism publicly is a bad idea. If you need to resolve a conflict, correct someone’s bad behavior, or bring up a private subject, have the conversation one-on-one. Suppose you’re a manager, someone on staff is killing team morale, and you’re not confident about your ability to speak up about bad behavior. Instead of scolding them in front of other employees, pull them aside and explain that you’d like to help them fit in better with the office culture. If you’re a student, and you think your teacher is giving you a hard time, don’t call them out in class. Instead, ask them to speak in private after class, and bring up your concerns in a respectful manner.

Speaking up One-on-One

Take a breath and control your emotions. If someone behaves badly, insults you, or says something offensive, it might be tough to keep your emotions in check. When you start feeling your face turn red, take a moment to relax. Breathe, count to 10, and remind yourself that losing your temper isn’t productive. If you want to speak up, being clear and reasonable is more effective than crying or screaming.

Set and enforce boundaries for people in your presence. You can’t control what people do or what they think, but you can set personal boundaries. If someone says something offensive about you, another person, or your values, let them know that you don’t tolerate that kind of talk in your presence. Try saying, “You might be entitled to your opinion, but please don’t tell offensive jokes around me.”

Appeal to someone’s principles if they’re acting unjustly. If you see someone making fun of another person or doing something wrong, mention that they should know better. Note that you might not be able to say that to a stranger, so it’s best if you already have a relationship with the person. Try saying, “I’ve always known you to be a fair, kind person. It shocks me that you’d insult someone like that.”

Try using “I” statements to defend your beliefs. If you call someone a racist or a bigot, or use derogatory names to insult them, they’ll put up a wall. You’ll have better luck if you stand up against their specific behavior instead of attack them personally. Additionally, express yourself by saying “I feel” or “I think instead of making accusatory statements, like “You did this” or “You are that.” For instance, say “I disagree, and I’d prefer if you didn’t use that sort of language around me.” You might say, “I find that statement racist, and I’d like to talk about something else now.” If they persist or become argumentative, calmly say, “I think l we should both try to keep our tempers in check. We don’t see eye to eye on this, and an argument would just waste our time. Let’s agree to disagree and change the subject.”

End the conversation if it’s unproductive or unsafe. If a disagreement has turned into a shouting match, it’s time to break off the conversation. Try to stay calm and keep things peaceful, but assert that you’re not interested in fighting. If you’ve tried to switch subjects but they’ve persisted, say, “I think we both need to cool down and walk away. I respect your right to have an opinion, but I’m not interested in having a shouting match.”

Becoming More Assertive

Control your breathing and relax. Don’t worry about messing up a word, stuttering, or sounding silly. At one point or another, everyone gets nervous, mixes up their facts, or says a wrong word. Try not to be nervous; breathe in and out slowly and deeply, and think about something pleasant. Try focusing your thoughts on the 3 Cs: calm, cool, and collected. Close your eyes and think each word to yourself clearly and slowly. Say each word, and see yourself becoming calm, cool, and collected as your jitters float away.

Take baby steps when you begin building self-confidence. You wouldn’t try to run a marathon if you’ve never run around the block. If you’re shy or get nervous when you speak, don’t expect that you’ll be able to address a crowded auditorium overnight. Start by speaking up in safe or slightly stressful situations. For example, if there’s something wrong with your meal at a restaurant, politely bring up the issue to the server. Try chatting with the person sitting next to you in class, or making a quick comment during a work meeting.

Practice expressing yourself in comfortable environments. Identify times and places where you don’t feel quite as nervous. You might, for instance, have an easier time expressing your opinion to your family or close friends. Work on speaking up about your thoughts and opinions in their presence, and use those experiences to build your confidence in more stressful settings. Each time you speak up in any setting, pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself, “I did it, and I survived! It wasn’t so bad. People are just people; I don’t have to be afraid to talk to others.”

Project confidence through your posture and body language. Standing up straight and tall will let others know that you won't let anyone walk all over you. When you speak, use gestures to emphasize key words. Do your best to avoid fidgeting or slouching, and try to maintain natural eye contact and nod appropriately during conversations. You shouldn’t look down or shift your eyes nervously, but you don’t want to stare blankly at someone either. Look them in the eye or, if it’s more comfortable, between their eyes or at their forehead.

Stop feeling guilty about having needs or wants. Plenty of people feel like they shouldn’t put their needs ahead of others. However, you can stand up for yourself without being completely self-centered. Always remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease! For example, if you need extra help with a topic at school, make your needs clear to your teacher in a polite way. Let them know, “I know you’re busy, but I’d like a few minutes of your time. I’m a little confused about the lesson today, and could use some clarification.”

Don’t let setbacks discourage you. Not every interaction or speaking occasion will be successful, but that’s perfectly okay. Even if you mispronounce something, get a fact wrong, or get made fun of, it’s not the end of the world. Treat setbacks as learning opportunities. You’re still breathing and you learned something new. There will be plenty of other opportunities to speak your mind or make a point.