How to Deal with a Perfectionist Spouse

Communicating with Your Spouse

Approach their perfectionism pragmatically. Use labeling and reframing as gentle ways to point out your spouse’s unnecessary perfectionism. Sometimes, perfectionists make their own lives much more difficult than they need to be and may need their rigidity pointed out in a compassionate way. Especially if your spouse is missing out on something fun, point this out to them or make a separate decision on how to handle the situation. For example, say, “We don’t have to have everything done before your family arrives. It’s okay if things are not perfect.” You can also say, “I know you like it when tasks are completed, but we’ve run out of time and I’d like to spend time with the kids. I’m going to play with them and you’re welcome to join. It seems like perfectionism to want to stay and complete the tasks, but that's okay if that's your choice."

Alert them of change. A perfectionist may thrive on order and routine. If something is out of the ordinary or comes up unexpectedly, let your spouse know right away. Spontaneity or sudden changes can be upsetting. While you cannot always plan ahead for unexpected circumstances, communicate with your spouse as soon as possible regarding any changes. For example, if a dentist appointment was moved to another date, let your spouse know as soon as possible so that they can make plans. Get into the habit of sending a text or email as soon as you know there will be a change.

Set limits. If your spouse tends to be on the controlling side, set some firm limits. Remind them that you are a separate being and have your own preferences, opinions, and ideas that are valid and worthwhile. Say that you’d prefer a partner over an instructor. If your spouse tends to steamroll you with their opinions or way of doing things, let them gently know that your view is important, too. Say, “That is one way to look at it, but I have a different view I’d like to express.” You may also consider making a rule that whomever is in charge of doing a job gets to do the job however they like.

Accept their emotions. Perfectionist people may feel angry or upset when they fail to meet their expectations. Your perfectionist spouse may become angry with you when you do not meet their standards. Having high standards for all areas of life can be draining, especially when failure is a possibility or actual outcome. However, it’s not your role to handle their upset or dissatisfaction. If your spouse is upset, let them be upset. However, don’t let them take their anger out on you. Take a break if you need to. Say, “I can tell you’re unhappy so I’ll give you some space.” Or, it may also be helpful to say, "I know you're disappointed, but no one expects you to be perfect but you."

Be patient. Just as you adjust to living with your perfectionist spouse, they adjust to living with you. Making your marriage successful means being patient with each other and allowing each of you to be who you are. If you have demands for your spouse to compromise, be open to their compromises, too. If your spouse is genuinely making an effort for you, be grateful and patient in their progress. For example, if your spouse is working on spending more time with the family and less time cleaning the house, encourage them when they are present and be patient if there’s an occasional cleaning spree.

Handling Your Own Reactions and Emotions

Accept yourself fully. If a perfectionist spouse is critical toward you, make sure you are strong in yourself and your own convictions. Low self-esteem won’t help you stand up to your demanding partner. Work on overcoming any “less-than” thoughts or feelings you may have. Reflect on what your self-esteem was like before this relationship, and whether or not you felt confident about your decisions before someone started challenging them. If you struggle with self-esteem, work with a therapist to help you improve your self-image. Find a therapist through your insurance provider, a referral from a physician, a local mental health clinic, or from a recommendation from a friend or family member.

Say when you’re hurt. If you feel hurt by your spouse’s words, speak up. Let them know that their harshness or criticism hurt your feelings and you do not wish to be spoken to in that manner. Share your feelings when their behavior or words hurt you so that they can have the chance to be more sensitive and supportive in the future. For example, say, “I know you like it when things go your way. However, it hurts my feelings when you ignore my requests or ideas.”

Lessen your reactions. Especially if your perfectionist spouse comes at you with an accusation, it’s difficult not to get offended or hurt. However, don’t react in the moment. Give yourself a few minutes to calm down and collect your thoughts. Getting angry or upset at your spouse won’t help you in any way. If you are upset, let your partner know after the fact how they made you feel. Say, “When you criticize the way I wash dishes, it makes me feel angry. I felt hurt by your comment and I don’t want to be spoken to like that.”

Ask yourself if the behavior is abusive. If your spouse’s perfectionism spills onto in ways that control or devalue you, this could be a form of emotional or verbal abuse. While your spouse may have high standards for the marriage, recognize when these standards are a way to exert control over you. If your spouse often puts you down, calls you names, tells you what to wear or how to behave, intentionally embarrasses you, or blames you for their unhealthy behavior, recognize this as emotional abuse. If you don’t do things the way your spouse wants them done, you might fear their aggression or rage. For example, if the bed isn’t made just right, your spouse may berate you or say, “You can’t do anything right!” If your spouse is abusive, seek help. Talk to someone you trust like a friend, family member, or therapist. You can also call a helpline at 1-800-799-7233 to create a safety plan or talk about the abuse.

Improving Your Relationship

Communicate openly. Communication is key in any relationship. Both partners need to feel like they are heard and understood by the other, especially regarding expectations. When your partner speaks, hear them out and listen closely. Ask them to do the same for you. Even if your point of views are different, listen respectfully and give feedback regarding your understanding. For example, restate what they say to show understanding by saying, “So what I hear you saying is…“ Ask questions when you are unclear by saying, “I want to make sure I understand. Is this what you meant?”

Be sensitive to their feelings. Perfectionists often are sensitive to rejection or the possibility of failure. Perfectionism can lead to emotional unavailability, which makes you feel like your partner is cold and distant. While you may feel outraged at what they say or do, be patient and sensitive to how they feel. Show compassion for the struggles they face and their own problems with self-esteem. Often, failures can deeply affect a perfectionist’s sense of self-worth. If this happens, show kindness and compassion and remind them of their positive attributes and successes. Try to validate their struggle with words, such as by saying, "I know how hard you can be on yourself - I'm sorry you struggle so much with that. Is there a way I can help you?" Avoid telling them to “knock it off” because it is likely that they do not want to live this way.

Compromise. If your spouse expects the house to be perfectly clean and all events to be attended on time and to manage all responsibilities at all times, you may need to create some standards that both of you can agree upon. A marriage counselor can help you and your spouse to develop some standards that you will both agree on. If your spouse has expectations for you, create expectations for each other that feel fair and equal for both of you. For example, if your spouse expects you to pick the children up on time each day and then come home and cook a meal, agree on standards for them such as buying groceries and helping the kids with homework each day.

Love unconditionally. While it can be difficult at times to be married to a perfectionist, remind yourself of the things you love about your spouse. Every person has their downfalls and shortcomings, including you and your spouse. Even when your spouse is being difficult, remind yourself and your spouse of your love. Write a note to your spouse saying what you love about them. Get in the habit of telling each other what you love about one another daily.

Ask for therapy. Whether you think you should see a couples’ counselor or would like your partner to see a therapist, therapy can be a helpful part of getting through marriage difficulties. You may wish to go to therapy with your partner to work out relationship issues or request them to go on their own, depending on what you and your partner think is best. Bring up the issue of therapy gently. Say, “It’s hard being understanding and compromising in my position and this is affecting our relationship. I think a therapist could really help us work through this more effectively.”