How to Deal with Difficult In Laws

Understanding Your In-Laws Better

Respect your in-law’s attachment to your spouse. Your spouse is their little boy or girl, and always will be, no matter how grown up. Especially if you have your own young children, think about how difficult it will be to "let them go" as adults someday. Often what appears as undue criticism from an in-law comes from a parent's protective instinct. Many parents feel that their child’s partner has to prove that he/she is worthy. This usually comes from a place of love, mixed with anxiety. Empathize with their sense of loss. They now have to share, and even cede, time with and responsibility for their offspring with you. Losing a child is a parents' greatest fear, and while this kind of loss is not so traumatic or final, it can be difficult to accept. The result can be overbearing or overly critical behavior.

Give it time. Marriage is a big change for you and your spouse, and it is the same for your in-laws. Everyone needs time to adjust, and some rough patches in the adjustment period should be expected. It may take your in-laws years, not weeks, to accept you into the family fold. Patience is your biggest ally in this process. In the ideal scenario (for your marriage, at least), you will likely be spending decades with these people, so allow some time to establish a healthy relationship.

Don't expect to change them. Take the Buddhist approach of accepting things you cannot change, such as others' ways of thinking. Don’t try to control other people’s actions and emotions, just your own. Think of your in-laws as family. As the old saying goes, “You can’t choose your family.” You didn't choose your embarrassing Cousin Joe and can't change your annoying Aunt Sylvia, so you just have to deal with them every so often. Likewise, having no contact with in-laws is rarely an option, so accept that there will be contact and focus on strategies to at least make it more tolerable.

Consider their background. Your in-laws were born and raised in a different environment than you. They come from a different generation at very least, and possibly from a different place or different ethnic, religious, socio-economic, or political background. Differing political, religious and social perspectives based on these dissimilar backgrounds are common and hard to ameliorate. In many cases, it’s just better to avoid speaking about certain topics whenever possible. Don't bring up the President if it causes a dispute, and let your father-in-law's venting on the subject go without a detailed reply. Differing views on child-rearing is one common result of differing backgrounds. Think about why your mother-in-law insists that children should be raised this way or that, even politely accept her advice with a "that's a good idea" even if you have no inclination to use it. Let her feel that her perspectives and experiences are valued.

Find common ground. No matter how different you are from your in-laws, there are surely some shared interests. Focus on these commonalities; this small bit of ground can grow and change your relationship. Any topic, however mundane -- sports, gardening, complaining about taxes, etc. -- can help to establish a bond of greater understanding. A quick "Hey, can you believe they lost that game last night?" to change the subject from your poor job prospects, for instance, can work wonders. One thing you surely share is a love for your spouse / their child and any children you have, so build from that starting point as needed. EXPERT TIP Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA Family Coach Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University. Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA Family Coach Our Expert Agrees: If your relationship with your in-laws is important to you, work on it as you would a relationship with a good friend. If there are parts of the relationship you don't like, take mental notes and use those to understand your in-laws better. If there's anything about them you love and admire, on the other hand, use that as an opening to understand them and care for them more.

Be gracious about grandkids. Parents of married adults usually want grandchildren, and are often not shy about making it known. The pressure may build over time or begin right after the "I do's." And if and when the grandkids finally do arrive, your in-laws will probably want to see (and spoil) them as much as possible. If you are facing indirect (or direct) questions about when you're finally going to have a kid, try saying “We’ll make sure you’re the first to know when we’re ready to start a family.” Let them feel like a priority without letting them believe they have a say in the decision. If you do have kids, you are the parents and you have the final say -- but be reasonable and allow a little leeway for grandparents. As long as your authority isn't being undermined, let the little things go.

Communicating Your Concerns

Talk to your spouse about what’s upsetting you. He or she is used to her parents' quirks and foibles, and may be unaware of how they bother you. Be honest but diplomatic in sharing your concerns. Use phrases like “I feel” and always avoid being derogatory toward the mother / father. Children, even when grown up, can get defensive about parents, especially when they hold close relationships. Strong communication skills between spouses will allow you to face many hard life-long problems, long after you find a workable solution for dealing with your mother-in-law's critiques of your less-than-spotless house.

Work as a team. Even if your in-law's behavior bothers you and not your spouse, establish that you need to present a united front in broaching the subject. Your in laws are more likely to respond positively to comments and suggestions that come from their own child, or at least with his / her clear support. Create family boundaries with your spouse. Discuss topics that won’t be shared with either set of parents, such as financial issues, sex, and family planning. Agree to enforce them together as a family unit. Talk to in-laws as a team, rather than alone. Large issues, news, and plans should be dealt with together in a united front.

Address the in-law directly. At some point, you're probably just going to have to tell them that their "harmless" jokes about your heritage or insistence on Christmas "their way" is a problem. When the time comes, be clear, firm, but calm. Usually it is probably best for your spouse to be present to demonstrate a united front, but take the lead as needed so as not to demonstrate weakness. Take the same tack as you did with your spouse, and speak in feelings rather than accusations. Try saying, “I realize you are trying to help; however, it hurts my feelings when you criticize me.” Brutal honesty can catch someone off-guard, but you must be brave enough to deal with backlash.

Clarify expectations regarding your children. If your in-law's dealings with your kids go beyond relatively harmless spoiling and countermand your rules and expectations -- watching TV shows you deem inappropriate, permitting excessive candy or snacks, etc. -- clearly but kindly bring your concerns to your in-law's attention. Let them know that you appreciate their affection for your children and eagerness to please them, but firmly but kindly remind them that ignoring your parenting rules undermines your authority with your children. Likewise, if you receive constant, unsolicited parenting advice, use the "that's a good idea, but ..." tactic, clarifying that you value their perspective but need your parental authority to be respected for the good of the children.

Agree to disagree. Yes, saying "We'll have to agree to disagree" might seem too cliché, but sometimes it is the best way to go. You don't agree on everything with your spouse, and you certainly won't with his/her parents, so accept that fact and move on when feasible. Try saying, “I respect your opinion, but in this case I disagree.” Let them know you value what they believe and say.

Encourage them to speak freely. Allow your in-laws to air their problems in the open. Sometimes you just need to clear the air and start fresh. Perhaps they are too emotionally smothering toward your spouse because they think you are too emotionally distant, for instance. Allowing them to tell you this directly may be the first step toward a mutual understanding. Allowing in-laws to vent may offer a measure of respect, but it can also backfire and deepen the rift, so wait until you've tried less confrontational methods without success.

Limiting Interaction

Realize when enough is enough. If your in-law's insults or interference is taking a big toll on your self-esteem or your relationship with your partner, and more diplomatic methods have failed, it is probably time to get some distance. It is noble to want to keep the peace, not to ruffle feathers, to keep your spouse and his / her family happy. But don't allow yourself to be hurt or walked over. Involve your spouse closely in this decision. Be clear as to why this is important and necessary.

Opt out of interactions. If a fight brews or you take an emotional beating every time you visit your in-laws, find ways to limit your time together. There's no law that says your spouse can't see his or her parents alone, at least sometimes. Try not to lie about why you can't visit, but respectfully decline invitations every so often. Surely there is some work-related related reason you can legitimately claim, or job around the house that really does need done. If you've declined one time too many with a flimsy excuse, you may just have to lay it all out there. Say something like "Let's face it, whenever we get together things just don't end up well, so it's best for all of us if we stick to holidays and special events."

Split the holidays. Especially if your in-laws don't get along with your family, remember that they don’t need to spend holidays -- or most other events -- together. And, in general, you are allowed to want to spend at least some holidays just with your spouse and kids, if you have any. You and your spouse can decide on a clear schedule that splits all major holidays and summertime events. Consider rotating so that each side gets a regular turn for prime time on Thanksgiving Day, etc. Establish a tradition of taking a trip with just your spouse and kids for a major holiday or two each year. Neither side can accuse you of playing favorites.

Know when to throw in the towel. In the worst-case scenario, you just may have to cut off contact with your in-law(s). This is a drastic step, but if it salvages your marriage and/or your sanity, it is worth doing. Clearly explain to your spouse that you feel disrespected, manipulated or abused and see no other alternative. Realize how difficult it will be for your spouse, but explain why you think it will benefit everyone in the long run. "Breaking up" with an in-law is no easier than breaking off a romantic relationship, and requires a similar mix of honesty, strength, and compassion. Even if they do not respect you, give them (and your spouse) the respect of telling them directly that you are cutting off interactions. Your spouse is going to be stuck in the middle of this situation, no matter what. Try not to force an ultimatum -- "it's me or them" -- even if you expect to win it. Let your spouse determine how (or in the worst situations, if) he or she will continue the relationship with his / her parents without your involvement.

Limit or end interactions with your children, if necessary. If your in-law's behavior is having a negative impact upon your children, do what is necessary to protect them, including limiting or cutting off contact. You'll almost certainly want to present a united front with your spouse on this subject. Cutting down contact with grandchildren is not likely to be taken well, but remember that your first responsibility as a parent is doing what is best for your child, not making everyone happy. Laws on grandparents' rights vary by state and are in constant flux, but generally speaking, if the parents of a child are in a stable relationship together, grandparents have little or no visitation rights.