- If a toxic person makes you feel drained or exhausted, talk to them about their behavior and what it does to you. Then, you can set healthy boundaries with them.
- Recognize that if a toxic person continues to violate your boundaries after you've had a talk with them, it might be time to cut them out of your life completely if possible.
- You know you're dealing with a toxic person if they make everything about them and will lie and manipulate to get their way.
Responding to Toxic People
Pay attention to how they make you feel. Toxic people often make you feel drained or deflated when you interact with them. You might feel as though they've taken the wind out of your sails or that they always manage to rain on your parade. As soon as something good happens to you, this toxic person is ready to list all the negatives. It's really emotionally stressful to deal with them. Sometimes, toxic people aren't aware of the effect they're having on you or other people. This is when having a conversation with them can help. The best way to identify a toxic person is to think about how you feel when you're around them. While you're not necessarily going to be happy or upbeat with anyone constantly, if they make you feel bad more often than not, they're likely toxic for you.
Talk to the person about their behavior. Sit down with the person privately and explain exactly how their behavior is making you feel. Use "I" statements to keep the focus on what you're experiencing rather than what they're doing, so they won't feel as though you're attacking them. Keep in mind that they might not realize that their behavior is having this effect on you. For example, you might say, "When you're late to our coffee dates, I feel like you don't value my time." Adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko advises that "there's no need to be aggressive or impolite about it, but it's more about explaining it in a nice, clear, and firm way...." For example, if you have a coworker who always takes credit for group projects, you might say, "I feel slighted when you don't acknowledge my contributions to our group work."
Set clear boundaries regarding how you expect to be treated. Boundaries are important to explain "the behaviors which are okay and which are not okay," notes adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko. Toxic people tend to thrive on manipulating people with weak and poorly enforced boundaries, so be firm and assertive here. For example, you might say, "I enjoy spending time with you, but when we make plans I expect you to be there at the time we've set. From now on, if you're more than 5 minutes late, I'm going to leave." If you have a friend who brings up painful things in public to embarrass you, you might say, "I feel undermined when you talk about that in front of everyone. Next time, please talk to me in private." Remind the person of your boundary each time they try to push it and be consistent in enforcing your boundary. If you let them off the hook once, they'll keep trying to push your boundaries.
Remain calm when interacting with the person. Clinical psychologist Liana Georgoulis notes that you shouldn't "communicate if you're overwhelmed and flooded with too much emotion, specifically, anger or anxiety.... [R]ecognize when you're getting flooded, and if that's the case, that's not the time to resolve any conflict...." There are some rhetorical techniques you can use, such as the "broken record" technique, where you simply firmly repeat your original statement no matter what they try to argue back at you. Eventually, the toxic person will get bored when they realize they're not going to get a rise out of you.
Limit the amount of time you spend with the person. If someone you know is toxic, you want to spend as little time around them as possible. Even if you can't completely ignore them, you can still avoid seeing them in social situations. The less time you spend with them, the less opportunity they'll have to manipulate you or affect you in a negative way. If it's hard to distance yourself from the person, such as if you live in the same home, try spending more time out of the house or using other people in the household as buffers. Even if you're in the same room, you don't need to be in the same room alone with them. Do what you can to limit the number of interactions you have with the person as well. For example, you might send them one email response every week or so rather than responding to every email in the barrage of emails they send you every day. If you can't avoid being around the person, such as if they're someone you work with, certified career coach Meredith Walters advises "just noticing when you're in a conversation that's turning toxic to be able to redirect it and just gently say to the person, 'I find that for myself, it doesn't help me to talk in this way because I get so hopeless or frustrated.'"
Avoid getting too personal with the person. If the person is truly toxic, the less they know about you, the better! Keep in mind that a toxic person will likely turn anything you tell them against you or use it to hurt you sooner or later. This means you avoid getting involved with their life as well. Just keep them at a distance. Expect a toxic person to poke for information or try to pry into your life. All you have to say is, "I don't want to talk about that right now." This can be tough if you're used to sharing things with the person. The easiest way to deal with that is to pull back gradually and notice how much better you feel when you don't share something personal with them.
Stay out of the drama. A toxic person wants you to feel sympathy for them and want to help them, so they're typically a magnet for drama. No sooner is one problem resolved than a new one arises to take its place. Since you can't really help them, it's better for your own mental health to simply ignore the drama they cause and refuse to get involved. For example, when a toxic person comes to you with a problem, you might say, "I'm sorry that's happening to you, but there's nothing I can do. You're going to have to deal with this one on your own." Expect a toxic person to try to make you feel guilty if you're not willing to help them or give them support. Just try to remember that none of their problems are your responsibility. Resist the urge to try to "fix" their problems or make things better for them. Remind yourself that they're not treating you fairly and don't respect your needs.
Build a strong emotional support system for yourself. You need people around you who care about you and can act as a buffer or a reinforcement against someone who's negative or toxic. If the toxic person is trying to convince you of something negative, your support system can help you see reality. They can also help you realize what a wonderful person you are when the toxic person is criticizing or demeaning you and making you feel bad about yourself. You can also use your emotional support system to help shield you from the toxic person. For example, if you all live in the same home, you might agree that whenever the toxic person starts talking about something negative, someone will change the subject to something more positive. Certified career coach Meredith Walters recommends "having other people you can talk to who are not toxic that you can talk to about the positive side of things...." Don't be afraid to seek out professional support as well. Talking to a therapist is a great way to help get over the influence of toxic people in your life.
Create an exit strategy if necessary. When you're dealing with a toxic person, be prepared to cut off all ties with them. Sometimes they'll recognize what they're doing and change for the better—but often they don't. Often, the only way you can find long-term peace for yourself is to remove the toxic person from your life. Adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko recommends that "if you have toxic people in your life, maybe it's better to get away from them." Licensed professional clinical counselor Jay Reid notes that in toxic relationships, "it's the point of leaving that is often the most dangerous[.]" If you fear at all for your safety or the safety of your loved ones, reach out to the police, a domestic violence hotline, or other resources.
Signs of Toxicity
Self-centeredness A toxic person believes that they are the only person that matters. Their experiences and perspectives are the most important in any situation, and nothing else matters unless they're satisfied. Another aspect of this is that a toxic person typically sees other people as a means to an end. They don't really care about you and your life, they only care about how they can use you to improve their own life.
Emotionally manipulative behavior A toxic person is going to mess with your feelings to make sure that you feel sympathy for them. They'll use guilt trips and other gaslighting techniques to manipulate you into saying and doing what they want you to do. If a toxic person can make everyone around them feel confused and adrift, that gives them an opportunity to manipulate all of those people.
Dishonesty or deceit A toxic person typically isn't going to think twice about lying to you—especially if it's a way to get what they want. They might also lie to create a conflict with someone (or between you and someone else) that doesn't actually exist. For example, a toxic person might tell you that your sister stole your favorite T-shirt just so the two of you will get angry and fight about it. Toxic people also lie to create situations that will trigger your sympathy and support. For example, a toxic person might claim that they're dying of cancer to manipulate their friends into helping to care for them.
Constant anger or irritability With a toxic person, you might feel as though you're constantly walking on eggshells because you don't want to say or do anything that might upset them—but it doesn't matter. It doesn't make much difference how careful you are, because a toxic person is always going to find something to be angry or upset about. Sometimes, a toxic person will even be angry about something that contradicts something they were previously angry about. For example, your toxic roommate might be angry that you didn't do the dishes and then later be angry that you cleaned up the kitchen without asking them first.
Tendency to create drama or conflict A toxic person typically thrives in drama and stirs it up wherever they are. When they create drama, they also create opportunities to manipulate people. These are often the type of people who will disagree with someone else just for the sake of disagreeing with them. A toxic person might also claim to be really bothered by something they've never been bothered about in the past. This is another way to create a conflict where there didn't need to be one.
Extreme cynicism Someone who's extremely cynical has a negative view of the world that infects everything in their life. They complain endlessly, never seem to be satisfied, and always assume the worst from people. Although they likely distrust you, they also seem to need your help all the time. If you refuse to help them, you just reinforce their cynical outlook. This cynicism can become contagious if you let it. Whenever you have a negative interaction with the person, it can help to remind yourself of all the positive things you have to feel grateful for. This can help neutralize the cynical outlook.
Neediness Toxic people are typically looking for someone to "fix" them or to solve all of their problems. The only issue here, though, is that a toxic person's problems can never be solved. They'll always come up with something else that's wrong because they desperately need your attention. Toxic people often feel as though they need the emotional support of other people and having problems is the only way to get that. This is why they always seem to have some issue they need help resolving.
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