Getting the Conversation Going
Say hello! Approach people you’re interested in conversing with and simply say hello. Offer your name, and ask theirs. While it may feel awkward to start a conversation without an explicit reason for doing so, people are usually happy to be approached in a friendly manner. If you’re in a group and hope to speak with one person in particular, don’t feel rushed to do so. Just sitting, listening, and enjoying one another’s company is a great way to become comfortable around other people. Wait for a moment to introduce yourself unobtrusively. Remember, silence is a form of communication. Even in social settings, a comfortable silence indicates confidence and contentment that people will respond to positively. In a group setting, ask each person that you haven’t already met for their name. This indicates a general friendliness that will convey to others that you're social and accessible.
Inquire about the person you’re curious about. People like to talk about what they’re interested in, and questions that are geared accordingly can be great conversation starters. Make sure to bring up some topics that you are interested in as well, such as your hobbies and interests, so that you can have a quality 2-way conversation. There are plenty of specific options. Ask the person you’re curious about what they do for fun. Not only does this get a conversation going, it shows that you’re curious about what they’re interested in and how they spend their time. Ask them what they do with their life, but don't be specific. Say something like, “So, what do you do with your days?” This allows people to answer however they want. If you’re looking for a particularly interesting question, try asking them about a recent quote they came across that changed how they viewed the world.
Hold off on the heavy-hitting conversations. Refrain from talking about your radical political or religious beliefs as soon as you meet someone. Deeply personal topics should also be avoided, as well as private information. Even if it seems like you might share a certain point of view with another person, you don’t need to immediately re-iterate your shared belief. Hold off on conversations about worldviews or beliefs, even if you share them. Save them for a deeper conversation later on.
Speak with respect. Watch your word choice and put effort into being courteous until you know a bit about the other person’s sense of humor or any particular sensitivities. There are a few conversational manners to always remember. Never cut another person off while they are speaking. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus on what they are saying. Try to stay present in the moment, such as by practicing mindfulness. Notice your feet on the floor and how they feel to stay present and grounded. Don’t raise your voice. Though it may simply be the effect of excitement, speaking loudly may intimidate some people, or make you seem overzealous. Concentrate on speaking clearly. Not only do you want to make sure you are not misunderstood, it’s much easier to listen to someone who is enunciating well. A good concept to keep in mind is that you’re not competing for space within a conversation, you’re sharing it!
Maintaining an Interesting Dialogue
Respond thoughtfully. Give a detailed answer when your new friend asks you a question. If you are unsure of how to respond to something, ask for clarity – especially if they had asked a question. The most important thing is to respond genuinely, as this will convey that you value the conversation, as well as the other person’s attention. Elaborate on your answers. If someone asks what your favorite part of a movie was, don't just say "The ending!" Explain why you liked it and maybe what you think will happen next. Say what you actually think, not what you think they want to hear. Never assume what other people admire or expect.
Listen actively. One of the most important steps in being both a good conversationalist and a good friend: Be a good listener. At its most simple, active listening is simply paying attention to what the other person is saying. But to truly actively listen is to give them the time and space to speak openly, to actively learn about another person, and to give yourself the opportunity to fully consider what they have to say. Make eye contact throughout the conversation, but don’t stare into the other person’s eyes. Recognize that many people simply wait for their turn to speak in conversation, and don’t actively listen to what their conversational partner is saying. Push your own thoughts out of way while another person is speaking. Focus on their points, and allow a few moments of silence when they finish speaking, both to ensure they're done speaking and to allow yourself to consider a thoughtful response.
Limit your use of filler words. These include "um," "like," and "you know". While these words are entirely appropriate to use occasionally, if you say them too often, it will seem as though you are distracted or uninterested in explaining yourself clearly.
Know that people think differently about things. Even people you expect to get along with or immediately admire may have significantly different points of view. Differences of opinion can actually enrich a friendship, and can help both of your individual minds to grow. If you don't agree with someone's opinion, and want to share this, be sure you have a reason and be polite about it. If you don't agree about a minor thing, consider the universal truth that you could always simply let it be.
Know how to end the conversation. A friendly, positive conclusion to a conversation will leave you both feeling glad to have met one another, and hoping to meet again. A great way to conclude is recall a point in the conversation you just had that you both resonated with. There are lots of options; the key is positivity. Say something clever or insightful you had thought of and wanted to say earlier, but had forgotten. Ask about your friend’s plans for the rest of the day and wish them well. For instance, you could say, “Well, I’m off to work in a bit here. What’s the rest of your day look like?” Default to humor. Tease yourself for not wanting to leave the conversation, while explaining you hope to meet again. Try, “Hey, it’s been great speaking with you, and I wish we could chat with you all day, but I have to run.” Use a friendly parting gesture as an opportunity to offer an open-ended invitation to spend further time together by saying something like, “When might I see you again?”
Conversing with Friends You’ve Just Met
Make and keep plans to meet again. If you’re interested in spending more time around one another, make plans to do so! This will usually be rather apparent, but even it’s not, feel free to make the offer. One of the easiest and safest ways to invite a new friend to meet up again is by inviting them to a group event sometime in the upcoming week. If you know you’ll be attending an event at a certain place and time, and others are welcome, mention it and encourage them to attend as well.
Have an interesting conversation topic ready. If you recently met someone that you get along with and made plans to see each other again, have something in mind to talk about. There are few dependable ways to think of your own conversation topics. For example: Think about what might be relevant to your plans. For example, if you’re going to a sporting event, read the latest news in regards to the team that's playing. Reflect on recent events, both local or global. People’s different worldviews often provide colorful interpretations about things that have happened elsewhere in the world. Think about seasonally-relevant conversation topics. If Halloween is coming up, ask your new friend what they plan to dress up as, or what their best-ever costume was. Try an old standby: “What’s the next thing you’re looking forward to?” Remember to ask follow-up questions, like "What do you plan on doing there?" Ask about people you both know, such as a their family or a mutual friend.
Appreciate others’ individuality. If you admire someone, there’s likely a good reason for these positive sentiments. These are likely the reasons you may come to appreciate a person’s presence in your life. However, whomever they are, they will certainly be different than you first expect. This is partly why it’s so fun to get to know new people. Recognize that every new person you meet will shape your understanding of people in general. No one is exactly like anybody else, and nor should they be! Don't compare new friends to other friends you've had in the past. Focus on the attributes that each of your friends have that make them who they are. Appreciate how their individuality contributes to your understanding of the world.
Remember and recall previous conversations. It is incredibly meaningful when we recall the conversations we have with one another and are able to pick up right where we left off – both literally, and metaphorically, in terms of developing a new friendship. If you know that you'll be talking to your friend in the future, note the topics you spoke about. Be prepared to bring them up again in the future. Check out something they mentioned, such as a certain band, and contemplate what you might agree with or add to the observations they shared with you. Make sure to follow up on this by mentioning it the next time you see them. This will show them that you have a genuine interest in them and that you keep your word. Indicate that you’re excited to see them again by recalling a positive moment from your earlier conversation.
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