How to Tell Your Mom About Your Boyfriend

Telling Your Mom About Your First Boyfriend

Talk to your mom when she is in a good mood. Choose the best time to break the news. Don’t have the talk when she has just gotten home from work or is preoccupied with something else. You want to have her whole attention, and you want her to be receptive. At the same time, find a balance between telling her promptly without springing it on her. You don’t want to go weeks or months without telling her you have your first boyfriend, but you shouldn’t just show up with him saying, “Hey mom, meet my new boyfriend!” Have a one-on-one conversation first. It’s wise to tell her when she’s not already bothered by something you did. If you’ve just done something irresponsible or immature, or just got in trouble for something, she might conclude that you’re not mature enough for a relationship.

Tell your mother when it's just you and her. If you live with both of your parents, but you’ve decided you’re most comfortable talking only to mom at first, choose a time when your father is out of the house. Go with a time that he’s at work, or out for a few hours running errands. Alternatively, go out with your mom to grab a coffee or lunch outside of the house. It’s usually a good idea to tell both your parents at once, but there are plenty of situations where telling your mom first is more comfortable. Sometimes, fathers can be more protective when it comes to first boyfriends, some can be more resistant if you’re coming out as gay, and some can be less tolerant if your boyfriend is of another race or religion. EXPERT TIP Jin S. Kim, MA Jin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. Jin S. Kim, MA Jin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Talk to your mom about your boyfriend in person. Whenever possible, it's best to have difficult conversations face-to-face, rather than through text. You can pick up on a lot more of what the other person is feeling when you're talking in person. When you're sharing potentially triggering information, that may help you have more understanding and empathy for each other.

Practice telling by writing down what you plan on saying. Think about what you want to say, and how to say it in a mature way. Your goal should be to be clear, direct, and honest, and you don’t want to get flustered or whine. Consider writing down your main points, especially if you think you might lose track or get tongue-tied. While it’s great to plan and practice by writing down your thoughts, you should definitely break the news face-to-face. Try writing the main points, like: "Mom, I feel like we have a close relationship and I don't want to keep things from you. My friend Jerry asked me to be his girlfriend a couple weeks ago and I said yes. We're in the same grade and he's a really nice and smart guy." Jot down some points to bring up if her response isn't the one you want. Say, "I thought you might not think I'm ready, but I wanted to mention that I'm become a really mature person. I'm active at school, I keep my grades up, and I get all my chores done before you have to tell me. I don't think I'm going to marry him or anything, but I think I'm ready for my first boyfriend and definitely want to talk about your ground rules and ask your advice."

Stress the positives. When you have the conversation, don’t begin with all the negatives, especially if your family wants you to date a certain type of person or has any sort of strict expectations. Don’t start off by saying, “Well he’s really hot but he gets detention all the time and his grades are terrible!” Focus on both your positive attributes and those of your boyfriend. Do you have good grades? Are you a leader at school or in after-school activities? How else are you mature or responsible? These are traits that your parents will want to see in you before you get a boyfriend, so be sure to work hard in school, do your chores, and show your parents how responsible you are. Similarly, try to say as many positive things about him as possible. Show your mom that she can trust your judgment. Try telling her nice things he does for you, how he well he treats you, how sweet he is, what his talents are, and other good things about him. Considering his positive attributes can also help you decide if he’s worthy of your time. If you can’t honestly list lots of positive things about him to your mom, he’s probably not the best for you.

Have a photo or social media profile handy. Unless she’s completely resistant to the idea of you having a boyfriend, she’ll probably want to know more about him. Be ready to share a picture of him so she knows what he looks like, or show her his social media profile so she can learn a little bit about him. Remember, don’t just assume that she’ll freak out, especially if you’re well into your teenage years or on the verge of becoming a young adult. She might be overjoyed and want to gush about him with you! While it’s natural to be shy, and want to keep your personal life private, in most cases you do have to share information about your boyfriend with your parents.

Avoid keeping it a secret. Remember that your mom was young once, and you shouldn’t just assume that she’ll react negatively. Your parents will always find out something that you’re hiding from them, so keeping it a secret is not the best idea. Be sure to answer any questions about him truthfully. If you want to show your mom that you’re mature enough for a boyfriend, you have to earn her trust. Keeping secrets will just harm the trust you have in one another. Don’t lie about when you first started dating. Try to be honest about as many details as possible. You don’t want to get caught in a lie, such as when your anniversary is, later on down the line!

Handling Delicate Situations

Tell your mom that you’re gay. If you are gay, have a boyfriend, and would like to tell your mom about him, do it when you’re ready. No one should force you to come out if you’re not ready to do so. While it a can be a great experience and take lots of pressure off, it’s okay to be nervous, especially if you’re not sure how your mom will react. Don’t allow your boyfriend to pressure you into coming out. The most important aspect of coming out is doing it when you’re ready. If you’re ready, do it calmly and be direct, honest, and clear. Tell her that you have a boyfriend and care very much about him, and that you understand that sexuality can change but right now you are definitely attracted to him. Be patient as she processes the news, especially if she didn’t expect to hear that you have a boyfriend. Say, “I know this is a big adjustment and takes some time to think about. Believe me, it’s taken me a lot of time to process, I get it!”

Consider when coming out isn’t a good idea. Sometimes, coming out of the closet isn’t the best idea. Consider how your parents react to homosexuality in the news, such as when issues like same-sex marriage or bullying come up in conversation. You might want to hold off if they both have very negative reactions, or if you are financially dependent on them and think there’s a chance they might kick you out of the house or stop paying your school tuition. If you find that your mom is generally more accepting and want to tell her, ask her for advice on how and when to come out to your father or other family members.

Tell your mom that your boyfriend is a different race or religion. With the world becoming smaller and more interconnected, dating more frequently crosses past boundaries of race, religion, and customs. Try to explain this fact if your mom or both parents expect your boyfriend to be of a particular race, religion, or culture. Try not to keep your cross-cultural relationship a secret, whether you’re a teenager or a grown adult. What if years pass and you and your boyfriend get engaged? Further, you don’t want to create any more negative feelings by making your mom feel like she can’t trust you or your boyfriend. Don’t use your boyfriend as a means of rebelling against your own culture. That’s not fair to him, and ends up covering over the tensions that you might have with your traditions. When telling your mother about a cross-cultural relationship, be compassionate and patient. Give your mom time to process, and give her the benefit of the doubt rather than forcing her to give her approval.

Consider holding off if you foresee bad consequences. Like coming out of the closet, consider times when breaking the news about your cross-cultural relationship might not be appropriate. While it's often best to be honest, if you have serious concerns about your safety, your boyfriend’s safety, or think you’ll be disowned, consider holding off on breaking the news. Try to balance your concerns with having faith in your mom. Try to gauge her reactions to friends or family members in similar relationships. If you believe your mom would be accepting but your father would not, ask her for advice about how to break the news to him. If you’re with someone who treats you well and makes you happy, don’t let your mother, or your father, force you to take sides. State clearly to her that this is a more interconnected world, and that people date across boundaries now.

Tell your mom your boyfriend has a checkered past but has changed. It can be delicate if you're getting back with an ex, or there are things in your boyfriend's past you'd rather not tell your mom. If you're trying to convince her that your boyfriend has changed his ways, try to be objective and share facts with her. Don't match her criticisms of your boyfriend by criticizing her, but just explain how his actions show that he's making real changes. Try saying, "I know that you thought Jerry was a loser, but since we broke up he's really been making some positive changes. He got a good job and he's held it down for over six months now, and he has an apartment and is saving up for a new car. He told me he wants to get his act together so that I might think about getting back together with him." If you're a young adult and know there are things about your boyfriend your mom wouldn't like at all, consider all aspects of the situation. If you're just dating a guy for a few weeks and know it's not going anywhere, you might not want to tell mom about the guy you're casually dating who has 8 piercings and full sleeve tattoos. Remember that your mom is looking out for your best interests. If she doesn't approve of your boyfriend, consider if she has good reasons. You might be better off not getting back with that ex, or ditching the guy who has too much baggage. Trusting mom's instincts could end up saving you heartache in the future.

Dealing with Disapproval

Give her time to process the news. Be patient after you tell her the news, whether you’re telling her about your first boyfriend, are coming out, or are telling her about a boyfriend who might not meet her expectations. Don’t just break the news then get up and walk away: wait for her to reply and give feedback. If she tells you that she needs a minute to think, by all means give her some time alone if necessary. Show her that you want to compromise and help her become comfortable with your relationship, such as by hearing her ground rules. If she’s uneasy or on the fence, ask her what her rules would be as far as when you see him or whether you can be alone together.

Tell her that you value her opinion and experience. Show her that her experience and wisdom is important to you. Explain that you want her to trust you with these sort of things and value her advice, which is why you're telling her about him. Explain that you are growing up and it is only natural to want a boyfriend. Ask her about her own experiences with dating, sex, health, and other relationship matters. Don’t save all the details about your personal life for one momentous conversation. Do you best to open up communications between you and your mom, both before and after you have a talk about the boyfriend. Explain to her that honesty and being able to trust each other is vital to you. Try to break the ice and work on having open, non-judgmental conversations on a regular basis.

Try to avoid having an argument about it. If she gets angry, don’t turn it into a screaming match. Do your best to stay cool, even if she gets upset and starts yelling. Remember that you she is there to protect you and only wants the best for you. If her reaction isn’t the one you were hoping for, you have to keep your cool and think before you speak. She might have a good reason for disapproving. You might actually be too young for a relationship, or he might not be the best guy for you. Remember that she has more life experience than you. If you’re a teenager or young adult and truly believe that you are ready for a relationship, your goal should be to prove to her that you are becoming mature enough to make some of your own decisions.

Accept her response, even if she says no. Taking a tantrum if she says you can’t have a boyfriend will only prove to your mom that you’re not ready for a relationship. Respect the way that she wants to raise you. Remember, she's only here to protect you. Reacting in an understanding and calm way will show her your maturity level. If she can see that you’re growing up and becoming more mature, she'll come around eventually.

Try to understand her perspective if she says no. Show your mom that you value her point of view and want to know more about it. Try not to ask questions just to get your way, but to demonstrate that you want to understand her and get on the same page. If she says you’re not old enough, try asking, “How old do you think is the right age? How old were you? Do you think the differences between now and when you were growing up affect the age someone should start having relationships?” If she just doesn’t approve of the boy, ask why. Remember that your mom is usually the one person in the world who is completely devoted to your best interests. Ask, “Why don’t you think he’s the right guy for me? Did you date someone like him and have a bad experience?”