What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is tying your self-worth to pleasing other people. When you're a people pleaser, it means you direct all your energy toward doing things that will make others happy. A lot of people – including Christians – fall into this habit for several different reasons. They may greatly value the other person's opinion, for example, and fear losing their friendship if they don't do everything they want. Or they may believe this is simply part of fulfilling God's command to his followers to serve one another "through love" (Galatians 5:13). People pleasing can also be a symptom of co-dependency, or relationship addiction. A co-dependent person builds their identity around their partner, friend, or family member. They also convince themselves it's their job to take care of the other person and keep them happy – even if it means sacrificing their own wants and needs.
Signs of Being a People Pleaser
You may struggle with saying "no." Do you find yourself always saying "Yes" whenever you're asked to put on a bake sale for the church, lead the youth group, decorate for vacation Bible school, and do any number of other things for your community? If you do, even though you don't have time, feel sick, or just don't like doing it, that's a sign you're a people pleaser. This sign can manifest in your personal as well as your community relationships, as well. For example, you may feel like you can't say "No" when your sister asks you to babysit for the third time in one week or when your friends ask you to come over again even though you just want to rest at home. Many Christians struggle with this sign in particular because the Bible encourages them to always think of others before they think of themselves. The Bible also praises people with "servants' hearts as in Galatians 5:13, which says, "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." While having a servant's heart is a good thing, some people interpret it to mean they should serve other people as much as possible – even while they exhaust themselves and ignore their own needs.
You obsess over what other people think of you. If someone asks you to do something and your first thought is, "If I don't do this, they may stop liking me" or "They'll think I'm lazy," that's a classic sign of people pleasing. This is especially the case if that thought – that the other person will think badly of you if you don't do what they want – is the only thing motivating you to say "Yes." If you're in a relationship with someone whom you believe would leave you if you disagreed with them or refused a request, they're not practicing God's definition of love. Remember, real love "...is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:4-6).
You avoid conflict as much as possible. Most of us don't like conflict. Christians, especially, sometimes believe to follow God's Word correctly, they must "turn the other cheek" whenever someone tries to argue with them (Matthew 5:39). In other words, they think it's their duty to stay silent and not stand up for themselves. They may also believe this includes doing whatever other people want and agreeing with everything they say, just to prevent an argument from breaking out. People pleasers try to avoid conflict everywhere they go: at church, at home, or even at work. For example, at church, they may avoid expressing a differing Biblical opinion because they're afraid the other congregants will laugh at them or be offended.
You say "I'm sorry" for things that aren't your fault. Do you hear yourself saying "I'm sorry" a lot, even when you didn't do anything wrong or made a small, honest mistake? This is another obvious sign you're trying to people-please. People who apologize even when the situation doesn't require it are always afraid they're offending someone. To compensate, they'll say "I'm sorry" whenever they disagree with or correct another person. They'll also say it if they realize they can't please the other person the way they want. For example, if you and your friend are discussing the meaning of a Bible verse, and your friend quotes the verse incorrectly, you might say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think that's right. I'm pretty sure this is the correct way to say it, but if I'm wrong, I'm sorry."
You lie or deceive others to keep up appearances. Another way people pleasers try to stay in other people's good graces is to lie or pretend to make themselves look good. This is what makes people pleasing so dangerous: at some point, it requires people to sin so they can uphold this false image they've created of themselves just to make someone else like them. For example, a people pleaser might lie and say they read the Bible daily so everyone will think highly of them. Or they might say they gave more to charity than they did in real life, just to look impressive.
You feel spiritually empty and disconnected from God. All vain and sinful pursuits lead us to feel purposeless and adrift. People pleasing is no different. When someone dedicates their lives to pleasing others rather than serving God, they eventually feel hollow and depressed. This is because they're pouring into an empty cup – it's impossible to please everyone all the time, and anyone who tries is exhausting themselves for no reason. People pleasers may also become disconnected from God because of the sins they commit in their pursuit of other people's approval. For example, if they make a habit of lying to look or sound wealthy or devout, that sin will drive a wedge between them and their Heavenly Father.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Pray and ask God to help you stop being a people pleaser. The first and best thing to do to correct a people-pleasing personality is to reach out to God. After all, getting away from God and valuing other people more than Him is what brought you to this low point in your life. Praying to Him and asking him to help you change your mindset and behavior will go a long way to starting your spiritual transformation. Prayer to stop people pleasing: "Dear God, thank You for Your infinite mercy and lovingkindness. Please help me move past the feelings that are causing me to seek other people's approval and love above Yours. Help me stop being a people pleaser and become someone who pleases You instead."
Practice setting boundaries around your personal time. We can't serve God or help others if our "cup" of physical, emotional, and spiritual energy is running low. To be able to give freely of ourselves, we must refill our hearts and restore our bodies with rest. This requires setting up boundaries and not saying "Yes" to everything we're asked to do. It's the only way we can continue doing God's Will and spreading His light through the world without becoming exhausted. Inspirational Bible verse: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
Submit to God instead of human beings. Remember that God is the true Master of the Universe and the only Being Christians should submit to. While we should certainly respect and consider the advice and opinions of our fellow human beings, we shouldn't worship them or try to make them happy at the expense of all our self-respect. God, on the other hand, is perfect and doesn't make mistakes. He also loves us unconditionally. We can always rely on Him, and therefore we should try to please and submit to His Will in all things. Inspirational Bible verse: "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
Avoid apologizing when you can't make others happy. If you've done something wrong and committed a sin, you're obligated as a Christian to ask for forgiveness from whomever you wronged (as well as from God). But you're not required to apologize for things you never did or for not pleasing everyone all the time! Remember, you're not responsible for other people's happiness or emotional well-being. You're only responsible for your own conduct. Inspirational Bible verse: "I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man." Ecclesiastes 3:12-13
Stand up for yourself and God even if it causes conflict. Did Jesus turn the other cheek when he cleansed the Holy Temple? No, he saw that people were desecrating a place of God and decided to take action on God's behalf (Matthew 21:12-17). He was also never afraid of what others might think of him when he preached to a group of prostitutes (Luke 7:36-50). These two scenes from the New Testament teach us that conflict is sometimes necessary, especially when you're following the Will of God. So don't avoid it! Instead, stand up for yourself and remember that no human being rules over you. Inspirational Bible Verse: "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." Ephesians 6:13
Understand what serving God as a Christian really means. To be a Christian doesn't mean you should serve others 24/7 and sacrifice all your needs and wants for everyone else. It does mean you're supposed to serve God 24/7, but it's important to do it with the right intention. If your intention is to make other people think better of you, you're not worshipping God, you're worshipping man. Take a step back and remember that God's opinion of you is the only one that matters and that all your good works are a reflection of His greatness, not yours. Another part of serving God is taking care of yourself. Remember, you are "fearfully and wonderfully made," which means you're worthy of self-care and self-respect. Inspirational Bible verse: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31
Is people pleasing a sin?
Yes, people pleasing is sinful because it's selfish instead of selfless. A people pleaser sins by worshipping other people's opinions instead of worshipping their Father in Heaven. They also sometimes sin by lying or deceiving other people about how devout, wealthy, or talented they are. Their reasoning for both actions is selfish: they want to feel better about themselves and make other people love and respect them. The good news is God forgives people pleasers if they admit their sinful ways and commit to making a change. As 1 John 1:9 reads, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
What's the spiritual root of people pleasing?
Fear of rejection and failure is the spiritual root of people pleasing. People pleasers often develop this fear in their childhood. Maybe your parents weren't very supportive of you and criticized everything you did. Maybe you were ostracized from worldly friend groups at school because of your faith. Experiences like these shape our sense of self-worth and cause trauma. They can also lead us to believe (wrongly) that people will only love us if we go above and beyond to make them happy. If we don't, we think they'll reject us, and we will have failed yet another relationship. If you've experienced trauma in your life that's influencing you to give in to unhealthy habits or desires, consider reaching out to a professional therapist. You can also use directories like the Christian Counselor Directory or the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) to find a faith-based therapist. They'll incorporate Biblical tools and resources into your treatment to help you heal and deepen your connection with God.
Final Takeaway
People pleasing is a sin that can be overcome with prayer and effort. Being a people pleaser is selfish, but it's rooted in trauma and the fear of rejection or failure. As such, God is forgiving to people pleasers who return to him, pray for His forgiveness, and make an effort to serve Him with purer intentions. With practice and perseverance, you can improve your sense of self-worth while still helping others and serving God from a place of selfless love.
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