How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen

Preparing

Get comfortable with your sexual orientation. You might have identified as LGBTQ for a while or only recently starting exploring your orientation. Make sure that you can confidently say to yourself, “I am gay” or “I am a lesbian.” If you're having trouble acknowledging that to yourself, you might not be ready to share this with other people. Don't worry that you're too young to know which sex or gender you would like to be romantically involved with. No matter your age, you can know how you feel.

Read stories about other people's experiences. Coming out is a really personal process, but it can still be helpful to learn how other people handled it. Spend some time online reading about the experiences of other LGBTQ people. There are lots of great resources to look at like The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) and Pride. If you have any friends or family members who identify as LGBTQ you could also ask them to tell you about what it was like for them to come out.

Make a list of reasons that you want to come out. Whenever and however you want to come out is a really personal decision. It's important that you're doing it because you want to, not because you're feeling pressure from someone else. Maybe you want to start dating or are just ready to be more open in your current relationships. Those are terrific reasons to come out! Sometimes people might make assumptions about your sexual orientation. Don't feel like you have to come out just to correct or confirm their assumptions. Only come out because it is what you want to do.

List the supportive people in your life and choose one to tell first. It's a good idea to choose a trusted confidant before coming out to the world. Just remember, your identity is your business and you don't have to share it with anyone that you don't want to. Jot down some names of people you can count on. Someone on that list is probably a good person to start with. Your list might include your parents, a sibling, a friend, or another family member. It's a good idea to just pick one person to start with because a one on one conversation can feel less intimidating than talking to multiple people. If you want to tell both of your parents at the same time, it's definitely okay to choose 2 people to tell. EXPERT TIP Jin S. Kim, MA Jin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. Jin S. Kim, MA Jin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Think of coming out as a process. Everyone experiences their coming out journey in a different way. One important thing to realize is that coming out is not a one-time event. Since we live in a heteronormative world, coming out is an experience that you'll have to do repeatedly throughout your lifetime.

Expect a wide range of possible reactions. Hopefully, anyone you tell is immediately supportive and kind. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Before coming out, think about the other possible reactions people may have, such as: Shock Anger Confusion Fear Sadness If you encounter these reactions, it's okay to take a time out. You can say, "I can see that you're upset. Maybe you can reach out to me when you're feeling calmer."

Plan what you will do if you get a negative reaction. When you're young, you likely rely on your parents for all of the essentials like food, clothing, and shelter. If you get the sense that your parents might not support you, consider waiting to come out. There's absolutely no shame in waiting until you live on your own to tell your parents. In the meantime, you can try reaching out to a more supportive, understanding relative. They could help you navigate this tough situation. If you are worried about their reaction, have a back-up plan. Ask a friend or family member if you can stay with them for a while if your parents kick you out. Hopefully, that won't happen, but it's always best to be prepared.

Telling Family and Friends

Choose a time and place free from distractions. Make sure that you can talk privately and without interruption. Say to your parents, “Do you have time to talk after dinner tonight? I have something important to tell you.” Ask them to sit with you somewhere comfortable, like your living room or bedroom. Try not to start the conversation when they are busy or trying to head out the door. If you want to come out to a friend, you can say, “Hey, do you want to come over after soccer practice? I have something I'd like to talk to you about.” If you are worried that the other person might get angry, choose to have the conversation somewhere public, like a nearby coffee shop.

Focus on the positives. You don't want to make it sound like you're sharing bad news. You can be proud of who you are! Use a positive tone of voice and make eye contact. You can say something like, “I wanted to let you know that I'm gay. I'm finally feeling really comfortable with myself.” You could also try, “I'm a lesbian and I'm ready to start dating girls. This is a big step for me!” Hopefully, the other person will take a cue from your positivity and react in a similar way.

Be honest about your emotions. It's also okay to share any other feelings that you might have. Maybe you're feeling anxious, nervous, or scared. You can share that part of yourself, too, and ask for support. Try saying, “I'm excited to tell you, but I'm nervous about how others might react. Maybe you could help me figure out who else I want to tell?” You could also say, “I'm glad I told you, but this has been a really emotional process for me. I could use some extra.”

Provide educational resources to help them understand. Other people, especially your parents, might not know exactly what it means to identify as LGBTQ. They might also need information on how to support you. You can give them a lot of good information. Take a look at the websites of groups like PFLAG (https://pflag.org/). You can print off information or just tell them about the site. If there is an LGBTQ community center in your town or at your school, you can swing by there to grab some helpful pamphlets. You could say, “I know you might not understand. Here's some information that might help things more clear.”

Expect to answer personal questions. Your parents or friends might have a lot of things they want to know. If they start asking you lots of questions they are probably coming from a supportive place of wanting to understand you. You can answer the questions if you want to but it's always fine to say, “I really don't feel comfortable talking about that.” A common question is “Are you sure?” You can say something like, “Yes, I'm very clear on the type of person that I would like to date. I'm not confused.” They might also ask, “Are you ready for your life to change?” A good answer might be, “I'm a little nervous, actually. I'm hoping I can count on your support.”

Be very clear about who they can tell. Remember that this is your personal information. It's normal for other people to want to discuss big news, so be aware that they might want to talk about this with someone else. Let them know whether or not this is okay. You could say to your parents, “I'd really appreciate if you don't tell any other family members. I'll let you know when I'm ready to do that.” To a friend, you might say, “Let's keep this to ourselves for now. Please don't share this with our other friends unless I say it is okay.”

At School

Research anti-bullying rules and protections for students before you come out. Many schools these days have strict rules about how students treat each other. Even if you are at a supportive school, some people might still not be accepting of you if you come out. Look online at the school website to learn about protections against bullying. If there aren't any, you might not want to be out at school. You can also ask your parents to look into this for you. You could say, “I just want to make sure there's a no tolerance policy for bullying at my school. Can you look into that for me?”

Choose a trusted teacher or coach to tell first. An adult might be a good person to help you navigate being out at school. They can give you advice and help you deal with any issues that come up. If you have a good relationship with a teacher or coach, consider coming out to them. A guidance counselor would also be a great choice. Schedule an appointment to talk. You could say, “I wanted to let you know that I want to come out as LGBTQ. Does the school have any support services for me?”

Look for student-led support clubs to join when you're ready. Take a look at the list of student activities at your school. There might be a Gay-Straight Alliance that you could join, for example. It's a pretty safe bet that those people would be accepting and supportive of you. It's totally fine to just come out to a small group of select people. You don't have to be out to everyone.

Use social media or word of mouth if you want to come out to everyone. You might be feeling really excited to live openly at school. If you want to let the whole school know, you can make some changes to your social media. For example, some sites like Facebook let you express your identity in your profile. You could also post a supportive LGBTQ image on your Instagram and write a caption like, "I'm coming out!" Let your friends help you spread the word. You can say, "Feel free to tell people my news. I'm excited to live more openly!"

Take steps to protect yourself from negative reactions. If you come out to other students, you should also come out to an adult. That way if there is any bullying, someone will already understand your situation. Hopefully, everyone treats you with the respect you deserve. But if students are mean or make threats, take some precautions. Ask a friend to eat lunch with you and walk to class together. There's strength in numbers! Report any incidents to both your parents and school authorities. No one has the right to treat you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.