Talking With Your Mom About Your Anger
Give yourself some time to calm down. Though it may be tempting, approaching anyone when you are very upset and angry is unlikely to improve the situation. You are more likely to say things you don’t mean, and less likely to try and engage in a productive conversation about what angered you in the first place. If your mom doesn’t realize you are angry, and keeps trying to talk to you or ask you to do something, tell her you need to go to the bathroom, and use that as an excuse to calm down for a few minutes. Splash some water on your face, and just give yourself a few minutes to be alone.
Approach your mom. Once you have calmed down, and you are ready to tell your mom that she has made you mad, start out by saying that it isn’t easy for you to have this conversation, and that she may feel upset when she hears it, but that you have to tell her in order to get over it. By pointing this out, your mom will understand that you are saying something that you feel you need to get off your chest, and it will sound less like you are just trying to start a fight. Hopefully, she will also not feel that she needs to react defensively.
React without anger. Hopefully by now, you've given yourself enough time to cool off. This will make it possible to have the conversation without yelling, or saying things you don't mean. Keep yourself open to hearing what she has to say, and when you speak, keep your voice even. If you start to get upset again, do your best to not raise your voice, as this will only add stress and tension to the situation.
Explain what happened to make you mad. Here, it is very important to phrase things in terms of “I feel…”, rather than saying, “You did this, and you made me angry.” This is an accusation, and it makes the other person very likely to feel like they need to fight back. For example, if your mom made you angry because she lectured you about getting good grades in front of your friends, then say, “I feel hurt and embarrassed when you talk to me about my grades in front of my friends.” Don’t say, “You were trying to make me feel stupid when you lectured me about my grades in front of my friends. Why did you do that?!” This makes it sound like she meant to make you feel embarrassed. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn’t, but accusing her will not improve the situation.
Listen to what your mom has to say. Hopefully your mom will point out that she didn’t mean to embarrass you, and that she will try not to do it in the future. At this point, you should also find out why your mom said or did whatever it was that angered you. You can do this by saying, “I know you probably didn’t mean to embarrass me, but why did you decide to lecture me just then? Was it something I said?” This way you can understand what triggered the behavior in the first place, and hopefully do your part to avoid it in the future. Listen without interrupting. Give her a chance to say everything she wants to say so that you can respond to everything she has said, if need be.
Get it all out. Don’t hold back anything that you want to get off your chest while you are having this conversation with your mom. However, understand that this doesn’t mean that you should bring up every upsetting thing your mom has ever done. What it does mean, is that if something about the event is still nagging at your mind, bring it up so you can talk about it together. Remember to keep things in terms of, “I feel…”, don’t revert back to accusing your mom. She loves you very much, and although she may not be perfect, it is highly unlikely she ever wants to do anything to hurt you.
Ask for a change. If your mom has done something that recurs over and over, ask her if you can make a change together to avoid this fight in the future. Make a suggestion about what you want to change, and how you want to change it. Listen openly to her suggestions, too. Sometimes mom really does know best, and she may have ideas that you hadn’t thought of.
Find ways to improve your relationship. Relationships with parents can be challenging, and if you find yourself fighting with your mom often, then it might be a good idea to take the initiative to improve it. Try to spend some time together doing something you both enjoy. Go for a walk, have a coffee, go see a movie. Find time to talk about things going on in your life. Your mom is probably interested in how things are going for you, so share those things. Let her share with you, too.
Tell your mom you love her. If you are able to resolve everything in the conversation, and feel better, remind your mom that you love and appreciate all she does for you. Most moms are doing the very best they can, and your mom may feel sad or disappointed in herself for letting you down. Give her a hug, and tell her not to worry. Tell her you are glad that you were able to work everything out with her.
Communicating With Your Mother in Other Ways
Write your mom a letter. If your mom tends to shut you down when you try to talk to her about your feelings, then you might consider writing her your feelings in a letter. As you would when talking to her, you should try to be firm, but also respectful. Explain what happened that made you feel angry, and use the “I feel…” language instead of making accusations. Be sure to include everything you would have included if you talked with her. Ask her why she did or said what she said. Remind her that you love her, and that you want to work through the problem together with her. In the letter, if you are open to talking with her, tell her that. Explain that you want to have a conversation where your feelings are also respected. You could also suggest that if she does not want to talk with you about it that she can write back to you, and you can talk about it that way. Writing a letter has the advantage that you can get everything out on paper exactly the way you want to say it. It also gives your mom a bit of time to process what you have said, so hopefully she won’t feel the need to react defensively.
Record a video message. Another option for communicating your anger without a face-to-face conversation is to record a video message using your phone or computer. This has the added advantage that you may be able to express the emotions you are feeling more clearly than in a letter. Again, do exactly as you would in a face-to-face conversation. Be firm and respectful, and use “I feel…” language. Avoid making a video where you raise your voice angrily. It is alright to record a video like this in order to get all your feelings out, but don’t send that version to your mom. It will be more effective if you are able to speak calmly and respectfully.
Talk to your other parent. If you have another parent, or maybe an older sibling, try talking to them if you have already tried talking to your mom without success. They may be able to give you ideas about how to deal with your mom more effectively, or they may be willing to talk to your mom for you. In this conversation, it is important to keep all the same elements of a direct conversation with your mom. Be respectful, and don’t trash talk your mom. Don’t accuse her, but stick to “I feel…” language. Listen to their advice and don’t expect them to resolve the problem entirely. They may be able to help you, but ultimately you and your mom will have to find a way to figure things out together, or your relationship may become very damaged.
Dealing With Your Anger
Own your anger. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. You should do this alone before you try to confront your mom about your feelings. This will help you begin to see things more rationally.
Tell your mom you need some time. If your mom has noticed that you seem upset, but you don’t feel ready to talk yet, tell her that. Explain that you are angry about something that happened, but you need a bit of time to go over it in your head, and that you would like a bit of space until you are ready to talk. Understand that your mom may become very worried when you say this, especially if you she doesn’t realize that she has made you mad. Try to reassure her that everything will be fine, and that you only need a bit of space.
Think about why you are mad at your mom. What exactly did your mom do or say that made you feel angry? Taking the time to reflect on what she did to anger you will help you to explain to her what happened that upset you. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that when we feel anger, we are likely protecting ourselves from a more vulnerable, primary emotion such as fear, sadness, or anxiety. Think about how what your mom said or did really made you feel? Did it make you fear that you will always have to work very hard for her approval? That is actually fear that you were feeling.
Remind yourself of all the things your mom does for you. It is easy to get angry with loved ones, especially someone like your mom, because you know she won’t leave you no matter how many time you fight. When you get mad, try to take a second and remember all the things she does for you. Without her, you probably wouldn’t exist, you wouldn’t have food to eat, or a place to live. Think about a time where she really went out of her way to make you happy. Maybe she threw you a nice birthday party, or took you and your friends out for ice cream. Remember that she did those things only to see you happy.
Write it down. Writing down everything you are feeling (whether you are upset or not) can be a really great way to let off some steam. This is especially true if you feel that you are very upset, and can’t yet talk to anyone without losing your temper. If you are upset, write down what happened on a piece of paper. You don’t have to do anything with this paper, just write it down and then throw it away if you want to. This will also give you an outlet if what you really want to do is say something mean to your mom. If this is the case, write down all of the mean things you want to say, then tear it up and throw it away. This may help keep you from saying something that will really hurt your mom. Remember to tear up the paper into unreadable bits though! You don’t want your mom to find it, as she might feel really hurt by what you’ve written.
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