Identifying Potential Friends
Look for people who have the same hobbies as you. You’re more likely to be friends with someone if you have something in common with them. Try to find clubs or groups based on your favorite hobbies, then join them to meet like-minded people. Also, pay attention to people who spend their free time doing the same things you love to do. If you love to draw, for instance, you could register for an art class, attend art shows, or look for people who are doodling during math class. If you’re a passionate reader, join a book club, go to public readings, or strike up a conversation with someone who carries novels around with their textbooks. Ask your favorite teachers if they can recommend any academic clubs for you to join! These can include debate teams, clubs for entrepreneurs, or a math quiz team.
Spend time around people who show kindness. Finding someone who will treat you well and support you is more important than popularity. Avoid spending time with people who talk bad about others or put them down. Instead, look for people who invite others to sit with them at lunch, who encourage others when they speak up in class, or who are always willing to help when someone needs a hand. When you’re around someone, you should feel comfortable acting like yourself around them. A friend should never make you feel bad for being who you are. You may be interested in befriending some of the most popular people in school, but if they are disrespectful to you or to others, they probably won’t be a true friend. You should feel like the other person supports and respects you.
Make new friends through your current friends. If you already have a few friends but you’re looking to meet more people, try getting to know the other people your friends know. If you don’t have a chance to hang out during the school day, try setting up a group event after school or on the weekends. This can be as informal as walking home together, or it can be a planned activity everyone can participate in. For instance, you could have your friends start meeting once a week at a local pizza place after school. Each week, encourage your friends to invite as many of their mutual friends as they want. By making it a regular occurrence, you can build new friendships gradually. You could also attend group events like flag football games or even study groups to meet new people. Social Tip: Remember, there’s room for your friends to like other people and still like you! Don’t get jealous if you’re not the center of attention when there are other people around. Instead, take the opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone you’ve never talked to before.
Look for a group who’s standing with their feet pointed outward. While making eye contact is an important part of communication, you might be able to learn something by looking at people’s feet, too. Some people believe that groups of people standing in a circle with their feet all pointing to the center are less likely to welcome a new member, but those who have their toes pointing out are more likely to welcome you to join them. It might sound crazy, but if you’re trying to make new friends, give this a try the next time you see groups of people chatting in the hall, at a party, or at a social event.
Join an intramural sport for a fun way to meet people. If you really want to branch out and find new friends, consider stretching your current experience and trying something entirely new, like an intramural sport. Most schools have a variety of intramural teams, so you should be able to find one that sounds fun to you. Find out when they meet, then attend the next event to inquire about joining. You don’t have to be great at sports to play intramurals. Intramurals could be anything from soccer and flag football to frisbee, golf, and dodgeball. Mostly, they’re designed to be a great way to have a good time, get some exercise, and gain a whole new team of friends.
Attend social events like dances and sporting events. Many times, schools will provide opportunities for students to mingle outside of the classroom. Take advantage of these activities when they come up. After all, the more often you cross paths with someone, the more likely you are to become friends with them, since you’ll have more of a chance to get to know them better. Afterschool social events might include school dances, movie nights, mixers, and plays. If you attend sporting events, not only will you build a bond with the other students cheering on the team, but the athletes may appreciate the fact that you came out to support them, especially if it’s a team that doesn’t draw a huge crowd. It can sometimes help to invite someone else to go with you to an event like this, since sitting by yourself can be lonely. Just pick someone you’d like to get to know better and say something like, “Hey, Stephen, I was thinking of the baseball game tonight, do you want to go with me?” Even if they can’t go to that particular event, they’ll remember that you asked them, and they’ll be more likely to consider you as a friend.
Avoid shutting yourself off from others, even if you feel lonely. If you’re struggling to make friends, you may be completely unaware that you are creating a bubble around yourself that can make it difficult for others to get to you. When you’re walking through the halls, hold your head up high, smile at people when you make eye contact, and talk to others whenever you get the chance. Talking to other people during the day doesn’t have to involve long conversations with someone you don’t know well. It could be as simple as saying something like, “How are you today?” when you’re standing near someone at your locker, or “Hey, I liked your presentation!” after someone does a good job giving a speech in class. If you feel stuck in a routine that keeps you from interacting with people, try changing things up. For instance, you could try taking a new hall to get to class, which will give you a chance to interact with people you might not see otherwise.
Unplug from your devices and participate in the real world. While social media can seem like interaction, adding a virtual friend is not the same as a personal friendship. Your new friends could be right in front of you, but if you’re looking at your phone all day, you won’t get a chance to find out. Get some actual face time with other people by simply putting down your phone and interacting with the world around you. If you are wearing headphones when you are walking around, it can give off the impression that you don’t want to talk to anyone. Leave them out if you want to focus on making new friends. Don’t spend so much time following celebs on Insta that you forget to participate in your own life!
Striking up a Friendship
Introduce yourself to new people whenever possible. When you’re around someone you don’t know, it can be tempting to just sit there quietly, especially if you’re shy. However, you and the other person will both be more comfortable after a simple introduction. Make eye contact with the person, smile, and try to seem warm and relaxed instead of nervous or anxious. Then, break the ice by talking about whatever is going on around you. If there is music playing, for instance, try saying something like, “I love this song, don’t you? I’m Jessica!” At lunch, choose something off your lunch plate that is tasty and mention to someone at your table how great of a job the cafeteria did today. Tip: You’ll make a better impression if you keep your comments positive.
Join a group conversation to introduce yourself to several people at once. If you find yourself sitting near a group and you can hear their conversation, try to find a way to include yourself. Of course, you want to avoid taking over the whole conversation, but if you hear something you can comment, try to overcome your natural shyness and just jump in! This comes in handy in situations like sitting with a new group at lunch or being surrounded by others at a sporting event. Consider asking a question of the entire group rather than just one person. For instance, if the group is talking about an upcoming dance, you could say something like, “I think they should hire a DJ for the next dance. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
Compliment someone if you need a way to break the ice. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and giving out compliments will make you seem friendly and positive. A great, friendly way to start a conversation is to let someone know that you like their style. For instance, you might compliment them on a piece of clothing or the way they style their hair. If you see someone who is wearing a T-shirt featuring your favorite band, you could say something like, “Hey, awesome shirt! I saw them in concert last summer!”
Keep the conversation going with open-ended questions. When you start talking to someone, try asking them questions about what they like to see what you have in common with them. However, avoid simply asking yes or no questions, since one-word answers don’t necessarily keep a conversation alive. You can ask questions about whatever you’re already talking about, or you can change the subject if you feel that ran its course. For instance, if you started off by talking about a song that’s playing, you might say something like, “What other bands do you like, to listen to?” You could also say something like, “I haven’t gone to school here very long. What are the best clubs to join?”
Exchange contact information if you really hit it off with someone. If you seem to have a lot in common with someone, let them know you’re interested in hanging out more when you get the chance. Ask them to exchange numbers so you can text to make plans, or ask them to add you on social media. By following up with them, you may be able to build a lasting friendship, as opposed to just having a casual conversation once in a while. Text the person when you want to invite them to do something, or to check in with them to see how they did on their test or if they won a game. However, avoid texting more than once every few days, especially when you’re just getting to know the person. Call them when you want to reach out on a more personal level. Texting is more casual, but a phone call is nice for a special occasion like the person’s birthday, or if you want to check on the person because they have missed several days of school.
Extend an invitation to hang out with you. Once you have found some common interests with someone, ask them if they would like to hang out after school sometime. Choose an activity you think you both would enjoy, and pick a specific time and place to go. For instance, if you are both into the arts, maybe there is a gallery, museum, play, or band you could go see. Invite your new friend to a movie you both want to see. If there is something you really want to see, ask if they would like to go with you. If you have time, plan to spend time together after the movie so you have a chance to talk about it. Coffee shops are a great place to sit and chat about the movie and anything else it made you think of.
Being Friendly
Smile whenever you make eye contact with people. Smiling is an open invitation to other people, and it tells them you’re friendly and positive. If you’re in class or walking down the hall and you meet someone’s eyes, smile at them before you look away. Simply smiling at someone can draw them to interact with you. You only have to smile for a second or 2 when you meet someone’s eyes. Smiling at them for too long without saying anything might seem a little odd.
Avoid crossing your arms and legs when you’re around other people. If your body language is closed off, it can make you seem less approachable. Try uncrossing your arms and legs whenever you think about it. Other ways to have open body language include keeping your head up and making eye contact with people when you’re talking to them. You may also want to consider wearing brighter colored clothing. Not only will it make you seem more approachable, but it could actually affect your mood and make you happier.
Be a kind and encouraging friend. Be available to people when they need you. Friendship should never be one-sided, and friends should make us feel good. In order to really make a friend, try to give as much to the other person as you are getting from them. Always treat other people the way you want them to treat you. Practicing the golden rule is key to cultivating a compassionate, long-lasting friendship. Encourage the other person. Let them know that you believe in them and support their achievements in their school work and their life goals.
Give other people some space. Keep in mind that other people have their own lives to focus on, even if they’re your friend. Don’t be too clingy or expect too much of their time and attention. Be there for them when they need you and continue to extend invitations, but don’t be offended if they turn you down because they are busy or need some alone time. For instance, if you text someone and they only text back a one-word answer, they might be busy or in a bad mood. Try to talk to them again in a few days and see if they’re more receptive to chatting.
Take the lead instead of waiting for other people to befriend you. Other people likely have the same fears about approaching others and making friends. If someone else is new or seems shy, be the one to approach them and start a conversation or show them around. Chances are, the other person will really appreciate that you took the time to talk to them.
Understanding What’s Stopping You
Find time for friends. Even if you’re really busy, it’s important to spend quality time with others. Schedule time with other people just like you schedule all of the other things on your to-do list. Instead of relying on last-minute invitations, make plans in advance and stick to them. For instance, even if you have a big test coming up, pick a day of the week to set your books aside and play video games with a friend. Then, study all of the other days. Not only will this build your friendship, but taking time to relax might even help you on your test!
Overcome your fear of rejection. One of the biggest obstacles to reaching out and making new friends is the fear that we will not be accepted. Try not to take it personally if someone does not accept your invitation. You will not want to be friends with everyone you meet either. Keep stepping out and being social and you will eventually find someone who is the right friend for you. Consider that the other person may be having a hard time right now and is not open to being friendly at the moment. Understand that the rejection may have more to do with who the other person is than it has to do with you.
Build up high self-esteem. Low self-esteem often manifests as seeming withdrawn, anti-social and a poor communicator. If you believe that people don’t like you or you are awkward and weird, social situations may seem really scary. Challenge the negative voice inside your head and acknowledge that you may be being too hard on yourself. Other people are usually just as concerned about themselves as you are. They probably aren’t thinking about you and judging you as much as you think, because they are preoccupied with themselves. Don’t focus on perfection. You don’t have to be perfect to be a good friend. Focus on your personal achievements instead of comparing yourself to others.
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