Talking to Guys
Keep it simple. Don't worry about saying the best thing. Just say, “Hi,” or if a guy is wearing a nice shirt, compliment him by saying, “I like your shirt.” Ask how his weekend went by saying, “Did you do anything fun this weekend?” Whatever you say, say it with a smile and try to stay calm. You can talk about a class you share. Try saying something like, "How'd you do on the test in math?" If you notice they have a phone case or t-shirt or talk about your favorite band, say, "I really like them too. Did you know they're coming to town next week?"
Break the ice online. Reach out first through social media like Facebook or Twitter. Chatting online can be much easier than in real life, because you can think of what you want to say before you say it without awkward silences. This lets you get to know him better, so it’s easier to talk in person later on. If you're messaging a guy for the first time online, say hi and remind them how they know you. Say something like, "Hi, we have math class together. Have you studied for the test yet?" You can also bring up a common interest by saying something like, "Did I see you at the new comic book movie this weekend?" If you're having a get together or party, inviting the guy online is a great first move. Say something like, "Hey, I'm having people over this weekend for a back to school party, and it would be great if you could come."
Ask questions. This is a great way to be more outgoing with guys without having to say a lot. When you ask questions, people feel you’re interested in them and they may be more willing to talk. You can say something as simple as, “How did you like the book we read in English?” This will start a conversation, and you can listen quietly, which may help to calm your nerves. Don’t ask random questions. Going up to someone and saying, “What’s your favorite color?” is not likely to get much of a response. Instead, ask questions about a class or shared interest, so it makes sense for you to ask and for him to answer. Listen when they respond. It’s easier to come up with additional questions or insightful responses, if you’re actually paying attention to what they say to you. Plus, no one likes to feel ignored, especially by someone who asked him a question to begin with.
Talk to guys in your group of friends. This is generally a less awkward situation because if you feel shy or can’t think of anything else to say, there are other people there to fill the silence. Having your friends there for support will also make you feel sure of yourself, so it’s easier to talk openly.
Join a co-ed club. This is a great way to meet people and in most cases, there’s a built-in topic of conversation. Sometimes there’s even a specific agenda of subjects that have to be covered. Talking to a guy who you know shares at least one interest, may be easier than just approaching guys if you feel shy around them. If it's your first meeting with the club, say something like, "I just joined this club. How long have you been involved?" You can ask a guy something like, "What go you interested in French club?" If you have an upcoming even with the club, you can ask, "Are you going to the service project this weekend?"
Building Confidence
Avoid negative thinking. Don't beat yourself up if you think you messed up or said the wrong thing. This will only make you continue to feel shy and lack confidence the next time you try to engage with guys. Instead of thinking things like, “That was stupid,” or “I’m terrible at this,” think of how to do better next time. If you find yourself rehashing the scene over and over, get out of your own head by talking to friends, reading a good book, or doing something else that makes you feel good. Instead of thinking negatively, remind yourself, "It's okay to say the wrong thing," or "I don't need to impress anyone." When you're thinking of how to do better next time, practice what to say in the mirror, or role play with friends.
Allow yourself to be imperfect. The guy you are talking to may be just as shy as you are. Part of building confidence is learning to understand that it’s okay to not know everything, to not always say the right thing. Doing or saying the wrong thing is a great learning experience. Most people learn more from the things they get wrong than those they get right. Look at “failure” when talking to guys as a chance to learn how to do better next time. Remember, it’s okay to say or do the wrong thing. If you accidentally offend a guy you’re talking to, say something like, “I’m so sorry. I get nervous and say the wrong thing sometimes.” Most people will completely understand this. You might have heard the saying, “If you fall off the horse, you should get right back on.” This is very apt, when it comes to building confidence. If you say the wrong thing and the guy doesn’t want to talk to you, that’s okay. Try again some other time.
Emphasize your strengths. Talk to guys who may need your help. If you notice a guy who’s struggling in math class, offer to help him with his homework. Talking about something you excel at makes you feel more confident, and it takes some of the pressure and stress out of situations where you may feel shy.
Talk to new people often. Repetition is one of the best ways to develop a skill. The more you do it, the easier it is, so one of the best ways to feel less shy is to just keep talking to guys. You’ll soon discover that, even if the guy doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re still just fine and there are other guys to chat with. EXPERT TIP Christina Jay, NLP Christina Jay, NLP Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University. Christina Jay, NLP Christina Jay, NLP Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach Go out on your own to meet more people. Going out alone will definitely push you to be more outgoing and more at ease with your own company. In addition, when you go out by yourself, you're more likely to be approached by someone who wants to strike up a conversation.
Set confidence-building goals for yourself. It can be as simple as, “I will talk to one new guy this week” or "I will talk to at least one guy at the party this weekend." If you feel like your shyness is really impacting your personal, educational, or professional goals, you may want to set a more aggressive goal for overcoming your shyness. Consider something like, “I will talk to one or more guys for five minutes every day this week.” Build up this goal from there, until it feels natural to engage in conversations with guys.
Asking for Help
Get help from your friends. Ask a friend who seems confident around guys for advice. You can also watch how they interact with guys. Then, try to mimic some of their more confident behaviors. Listen to how they talk, watch their body language, and try to act more like them, until you find your own way to show confidence. Ask your friends to introduce you to guys they know. This will make getting to know them easier because you have a mutual friend and there’s someone else there to talk with. Ask you friends to be your “wingmen.” If you’re talking to a guy and you’re getting nervous, have a friend close by who can step in and help. Have your friends role-play possible conversations with you. It may seem silly, but practicing a conversation can help you feel better about the real thing.
Ask family for help. You may not want to go straight to a parent or guardian, but if you have an older sibling or cousin who is close to your age, they may be able to help you feel better about the situation, offer pointers, or just share stories of times they were shy. Even if you think your parents won’t help the situation, you’ll be surprised how much great advice they can give. Ask your family member, "I'm having trouble talking to guys. I always feel shy or like I'll say the wrong thing. What can I do?" You can ask something like, "Did you ever have issues talking to guys?"
Take a class. There are a variety of organizations like Toastmasters that teach people how to be more confident, and give you the opportunity to practice these skills and get feedback. You can also consider taking public speaking, theatre, or other classes that push you to talk to large groups of people. This can often make it easier to speak confidently one-on-one with guys who make you feel shy.
Consider getting counseling. If you’re unable to overcome your shyness on your own, it’s okay to ask a professional for help. Counselors, therapists, and psychologists have years of education, training, and experience, and their job is to help people lead happy, healthy lives. Shyness can be a sign of a bigger health concern like social anxiety, and counseling is a great way to overcome this. If you’re in school, start by speaking with your guidance counselor. They are a great resource to help you find someone to talk to. You can also search for local counselors online or ask your physician for a recommendation of counselors in your area.
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