What Is a Defensive Listening Style & Can You Overcome It?

• Defensive listening is when an individual takes comments or statements as a personal attack despite the speaker’s best intentions.
• Defensive listeners are often reactive to specific phrases or attitudes because they’re insecure or have a traumatic past.
• The best way to deal with a defensive listener is to ward off their anger with kindness. Remember, their reaction stems from an underlying issue, not you.

What is defensive listening?

Defensive listening occurs when someone hears personal attacks in conversations. Defensive listeners find faults in conversations, taking comments or statements personally. They’re constantly anticipating threats and are quick to react, believing they’re always being talked about negatively. Because of this, defensive listeners are more prone to picking fights, as they believe everything they hear is an attack on them and their character. This type of listening can be toxic for relationships. Communication is the key to healthy relationships, and defensive listening can certainly put a wedge between a couple. If one or both parties listen defensively rather than effectively, they can initiate more fights, misunderstandings, disagreements, and breakups.

Examples of Defensive Listening

Defensive listeners take impersonal comments as a personal insult. Let’s say someone makes a general statement about specific characteristics or traits. For instance, maybe a friend makes the comment, “Men are just terrible cooks,” or “People are so lazy nowadays.” A defensive listener will take these comments as a personal insult, believing they’re directed toward them rather than society as a whole.

Defensive listeners take sarcasm seriously and personally. Sarcasm can be hard to decipher if you’re listening defensively. In a defensive listener’s mind, every comment is serious, no matter the satirical intent. For example, say someone comes home after a long day. They stumble into the living room, plopping down on the couch and saying, “I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.” A defensive listener may respond with, “What? Are you saying I don’t work enough? That I’m the reason we’re poor?”

Defensive listeners are prone to misunderstandings and arguments. When someone’s listening defensively, they’re constantly on edge. They believe they’re being targeted in conversation (even when they’re not mentioned). Let’s pretend a defensive listener overhears a conversation between 2 friends and hears the words “lazy,” “spoiled,” and “football player.” The defensive listener may believe they’re being talked about and jump into the conversation with a boisterous, “What did you just say about me?” This misinterpretation can then cause an argument.

How to Deal with a Defensive Listener

Support them and ask questions. Believe it or not, a defensive listener usually doesn’t know they’re being defensive. Defensive listening isn’t always a conscious choice, so address what’s happening with them. Maybe they’re feeling down or are going through a hard time. Either way, they may need your help to get back on track. After all, you won’t know what’s really going on until you ask. Try defusing the situation and offering them a space to vent by saying something like, “Hey, man, I wasn’t talking about you. What’s going on?” or “You seem a bit on edge lately. Is everything okay?” As a general tip, avoid saying the word “defensive,” as this could trigger a defensive listener even more.

Control your temper. When handling a defensive listener, it can be easy to jump to your own conclusions. Rather than responding to their anger with more anger, be calm. Approach the conversation with a reasonable and kind tone, and try not to put the blame on them. Take a few deep breaths when you feel your anger rising. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste to calm your nerves. Try walking away to cool yourself down if your temper starts to rise. There’s nothing wrong with revisiting the conversation later, especially when you’re feeling less defensive yourself. Remember, just because a defensive listener thinks you’re attacking them, not everyone else does.

Practice good communication. One of the best ways to deal with a defensive listener is to be an effective communicator. The better you communicate, the less likely they can jump to conclusions. If you’re in a relationship with a defensive listener, try going to couples counseling to learn better communication skills. If your bestie is a defensive listener, talk to them about how you can best match their communication needs. Work on communicating your feelings using “I” statements to avoid putting blame on one another. For instance, you could say, “When you misinterpret me, I feel angry because I feel like you’re not really listening to me.” It’s important to note that communication is a two-way street—both parties have to be willing to make a change. Be patient and mindful of your own feelings while trying to communicate with a defensive listener. Try signing up for online therapy to learn better communication techniques at home. Talkspace is an excellent resource that offers affordable virtual therapy sessions with licensed counselors.

Apologize. Keep in mind that defensive listening is a response to a bigger problem. Your comment triggered something deep within them, so take some time to reflect on why what you said may have been hurtful. This isn’t to say you’re at fault, but it’s important to always be willing to acknowledge your own actions. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry, Derrick. I didn’t mean to offend you. That’s not what I intended, but I can see how it may have come across the wrong way.” If you’re in a relationship with a defensive listener, it may be harder to apologize, and that’s okay. Take some time to reflect on your happiness and whether or not you’re ready to forgive. Consider saying, “Derrick, I need some time to think. Perhaps it’s best that we take things slow for a little while, at least until we’re both ready to talk openly and honestly.”

Causes of Defensive Listening & How to Avoid It

Poor listening skills At the end of the day, defensive listeners often hear insults in conversations because they’re not listening well. Maybe they only hear part of the conversation and jump to conclusions or choose to pull out comments that suit them. Either way, being a poor listener often leads to defensive listening. Feel like you may be a defensive listener? Practice being a good listener by actively engaging in the conversation with an open mind.

Low self-esteem More often than not, insecurities can make someone a defensive listener. Think about it: if you think the worst of yourself, it’s easier to hear those thoughts in real life. When someone’s feeling vulnerable, inadequate, or small, they’re more likely to hear their insecurities in everyday conversation. If you think you’re a defensive listener, raise your self-esteem by reframing negative thoughts. Rather than thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try, “I may have messed up at practice, but that’s okay. No one’s perfect, and this mistake will make me better.”

Past experiences Trauma can affect people in many ways, including listening habits. If someone's been hurt in the past, they're more likely to be a defensive listener. Perhaps they were in a toxic or abusive relationship or were neglected as a child. They’re used to hearing insults and backhanded comments; their brain is wired to hear them even when they’re not really there. If you’ve been listening defensively, consider talking to a trusted loved one or therapist about your past to get to the root of the problem. Understanding why you act the way you do can help you be a better listener.

How is selective listening different from defensive listening?

Someone with selective listening only hears specific details. While defensive and selective listeners both choose what they want to hear, selective listeners actively ignore certain parts of a conversation. This may be intentional or not. Either way, when someone listens selectively, they only hear what they want to hear. Meanwhile, defensive listeners warp a conversation to be a personal attack on them, changing the speaker’s overall meaning.

How is active listening different from defensive listening?

Someone with active listening seeks to understand the intent of a conversation. This form of communication is ideal and, unlike defensive listening, goes beyond simply hearing what someone else is saying. Active listeners reflect on what’s being said and ask follow-up questions before adding their own comments, rather than jumping to conclusions like defensive listeners. Practice active listening by removing all distractions before the conversation, withholding judgment or advice (unless asked to share), and asking open-ended questions.