Meeting the Right Guy in Person
Participate in events that interest you. You might have a particular cause or hobby that you’re really passionate about, and you should keep investing your time into that. Your ideal person likely has some passions that are similar to yours, and this is a great way to meet people whose values align with your own. For example, if yoga or pottery are your hobbies, taking a yoga class or participating in a pottery workshop will let you show off your skills while being around men and women who have similar interests.
Talk to men who are already in your life. Many times, guys who share your interests may be stable, long-term boyfriends as well. If you're already active in social clubs, religious groups, or other special interest groups, consider asking someone you've already met from these groups out on a date.
Try something that you’ve never done before. Meeting someone new often means doing and trying new things. Take some time to do a new hobby, take a class, visit a new restaurant, or take a trip to a place you’ve never been. If you haven’t met him yet, your ideal man probably isn’t hanging out at the places you always go to. For example, you can start small by visiting a new coffee shop on the other side of town. Consider taking classes that your ideal man might be interested in. For example, if you'd love to find a guy who loves to travel, take courses in geography or foreign languages. If you’re feeling adventurous, take long weekend trip to a city you’ve never visited. Go to museums, take yourself shopping, and visit tourist attractions. Maybe you’ll find someone to be your tour guide!
Ask your friends to set you up on a date. Although blind dates are notoriously uncomfortable, your friends know you better than anyone else. Bring up the topic of dating and ask them if they know anyone from work or other friends who might be compatible with you. Put on your favorite outfit, keep an open mind, and try to have fun!
Go to places where your ideal man would hang out. You might have a pretty clear idea in your head of what your ideal man is interested in. Think of the places that he would hang out at or visit frequently, and go there for a little bit to look around and start a conversation. If your ideal man is into fitness, go to the gym and keep your eyes open for anyone who interests you. If your ideal man is into literature, hang out at a bookstore or library and look for men who have good taste in books!
Go out on the town with your friends. Bars, clubs, and restaurants are great places to meet men, but you might need the safety net of your friends behind you. Go out with them one weekend and talk to people who you find attractive. Focus on making conversation and getting their contact information to set up a more intimate date in the future. Be careful not to drink too much and always be aware of your surroundings. Using the buddy system when you’re out is a great way to avoid a risky situation.
Be open to compromise. Your ideal guy may be over 6 feet tall, handsome and funny, and have a large paycheck, but the guy you find yourself hanging out with might be the opposite of that. Instead of ruling him out because he doesn't fit your idea of Mr. Right, think about what you like about him. It might be that those are the non-negotiable traits that you look for in a partner. Especially when it comes to dating, perfection is hard to find. It’s always best to be with someone who treats you with respect, cares about you, and makes you feel good, regardless of other factors.
Dating Online and Via Apps
Choose a dating app or site that fits your needs and desires. In this day and age, there are plenty of dating apps and websites to choose from. You can narrow down your options by looking at your ultimate goals for dating, as well as your budget. Some sites and apps are free, but most options offer an advanced version with extra features for a monthly fee. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid are most often aimed at a younger crowd, or people who are interested in hooking up with no strings attached. Websites like eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and Match are targeted to people who are looking to more seriously date. There are also sites like Christian Mingle and Farmers Only, and apps like JSwipe, that allow you to meet people with similar backgrounds and interests as your own. Be clear with the people you talk to if you are looking for a long term relationship, as some people use dating apps solely for hooking up.
Message men who interest you. Most apps and websites have different protocol about who can message users. Some only allow messaging once you’ve matched with a person, and some allow any user to message anyone with an account. If you find someone interesting, send them a message, introduce yourself, and start a conversation by asking a question. For example, you might say “Hi, my name is Alison! I listen to podcasts every day, too, but I’ve been looking for a new one to start. What are some of your favorites right now?”
Ask questions about the things that are important to you. Focus on interests, values, future plans, and anything else that is absolutely necessary for you to know about your ideal man. This will help you get to know him better, and it will demonstrate your interest in him. Don’t forget to let him ask his questions, too!
Set up dates with men who interest you. Ultimately, the end goal of online dating is to meet in person and go on a date. If you’ve been chatting back and forth with someone for a while, don’t be afraid to set up a date in real life. If the spark is there through text, it might be even better in person. Good first dates include grabbing coffee or getting a quick lunch. Choose something that doesn’t take a lot of time just in case something goes wrong or the spark isn’t there in person. Always make sure someone you trust knows who you’re going to be with and where you’re going. It’s better to be safe!
Avoiding Unhealthy Relationships
Look for and notice red flags. A red flag is anything that could be a potential problem in the future. It’s easy to get caught up in the romance, but it might be best to take a step back and evaluate the person you are seeing for who they really are. Try thinking about all of the things that you know about them, and make note of anything that is questionable. If he says he’s not ready for commitment, and that is something you are looking for, you should believe him and not try to change his mind. Red flags can also be things like a short temper, tumultuous relationships in his past, or indications of a substance abuse problem. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Different value sets can be a red flag for your future together. Psychotherapist Lauren Urban says: “It's important to think of a set of values you want a potential partner to embody, in addition to their surface level characteristics. Values might include a person’s relationship with their family, whether or not they want to get married or have kids, and their belief systems. Characteristics such as musical taste, fashion sense, hobbies, and physical attributes are important in terms of attraction, but fundamental values will determine whether or not you’re compatible as a couple.”
Take your time getting to know him. Since you’re looking for a strong relationship, you should take your time getting to know them. The longer you spend with them, the better an idea you will have of who they really are. Don’t feel like you need to rush into something just because it feels good.
Spend time with him in a variety of environments. One of the most exciting and fun parts of dating is getting to experience new things together. Pay attention to how your partner reacts to different situations and ask yourself if you’re comfortable with the way they handle different stressors or uncomfortable environments. For example, holidays are sometimes very high-stress situations and environments for people. How your partner acts in this environment might be a sign of how they’ll react in other high-stress situations.
Say “no” when you need to. If you begin to feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or afraid in your relationship, don’t be afraid to leave immediately. Your partner should never threaten, hurt, or ignore you. Confide in someone you trust and cut all ties with anyone who is unhealthy for your mental and physical health.
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