Initiating Contact and Conversation
Make eye contact before you approach. Eye contact shows interest and connection. If the person meets your gaze, you're off to a good start. Smile warmly, and make your way towards them. If they look away or appear disinterested, try making eye contact with someone else. Catch the person’s eye, but don’t glance away too quickly or stare them down. Hold eye contact for less than 2 seconds.
Examine the person’s body language. Approach someone who has their arms and legs uncrossed and isn’t busy or distracted by something (or someone) else. Once you start talking, notice whether the person is leaning toward you and actively engaged in conversation with you. Keep monitoring their body language as you speak. You might find that you focus so much on how you feel and come across that you miss cues about how the other person feels. Shift gears and start paying attention to how they look and if they appear comfortable.
Make small talk if you want to build the conversation. It might be awkward if you open your conversation with a very personal question or deep inquiry. Start gradually by making some small talk. Comment about the weather, ask them about their weekend (or plans for the upcoming weekend), and be genuinely curious about their response. You can comment about the simplest thing and build a conversation off of that. For example, say, “I can’t believe it’s raining so much! I think I’ll have to buy an industrial strength umbrella at this rate!”
Ask open-ended questions to learn more about the person. Whether you’re talking to a stranger in the doctor’s office, the checkout person at the grocery store, or a cute guy or girl you see on the airplane, one of the best ways to start a conversation is by using open-ended questions. You want to get to know them, but don’t lead with a personal question. Keep it light and casual. For example, if you’re talking to a grocery clerk, ask them, “Have you tried this food before? What did you think?”
Give the person a compliment if you like something about them. Most people enjoy receiving compliments, so this is a great way to start talking to someone. Notice something you like about the person and say something nice. Compliments make people feel good and more open to talking. Say, “I love your purse. It goes so well with your outfit.” If you want to be a little flirty, comment on the person’s eyes, smile, or hair. Say, “You have a really pretty smile” or, “I love the color of your hair.”
Disclose a little about yourself if you want to make them feel comfortable. Don’t go into a long story about your ex or your boring workday. Instead, reveal a little about yourself to get the conversation started. Talking about yourself will show that you’re open and will encourage the other person to be open, too. For example, say, “I’m getting a dog today and I’m so excited. Do you have any pets?”
Find something that you have in common. One of the quickest ways to get to know somebody new is by finding a common interest. There might be something you notice off the bat (like that they’re wearing a hat from the university you attended) or you might ask about their hobbies if you see a pair of boxing gloves or a gym bag. Then, build upon what you share. For example, say, “I like your bike! I have the same one. What year is it?” You can also say, “How old is your dog? I have a puppy at home – they’ve got so much energy!”
Be respectful of physical boundaries. Avoid touching someone you’ve just met, unless the situation calls for it. For example, if you’ve just been introduced to someone, a friendly handshake is fine. However, going in for a hug is usually not appropriate. People may also feel uncomfortable if you stand too close to them or crowd them. Even if you’re trying to offer someone physical assistance, ask their permission before touching them. For example, if you see someone trip and fall, ask, “Do you need help getting up? Can I take your hand?”
Walk away from an unsuccessful attempt. Some strangers will be happy to talk to you while others may want their space. If someone appears clearly disinterested, moves away from you, or gives you short, one-word answers, it’s probably time to move on. Try talking to someone else, instead. You can thank the person for their time and move away from them.
Conversing at a Social Event
Try mingling to see where you feel most comfortable. Most people attend social events to have a good time. Your opportunities should be plentiful to talk to people as most will be open to conversing with others. Try mingling and finding someone you want to talk to one-on-one. It’s likely that social opportunities will arise without much effort. Talk to someone who easily engages you and makes you feel comfortable.
Ask the host or a mutual friend to introduce you to people. Having a mutual friend can make a party or social event much easier. If you know someone there, have them introduce you to a new person and tell you a bit about them. This can help break the ice and give you an ‘in’ with another partygoer. You can ask the person how they know your friend or how they met. For example, your mutual friend might say, “Aya, this is Annie. You both enjoy mountain biking and I thought you should meet.”
Ask questions related to the event. The social event itself can provide a good starting point for conversations. Ask someone how they knew about the event or who else they know there. You can also ask logistical questions, such as, “Do you know what time things kick off?” or, “What time does the speaker come on? It’s my first time here.” Go up to someone and ask, “How did you hear about this party?” or, “It’s hard to get an invite here. Who else do you know?”
Gather around food or drinks. There’s a reason why people meet up over food, as food naturally brings people together. If you’re at a social event and want to talk to someone new, get to know them near the food table or ask to sit (or stand) next to them while eating together. It’s easy to comment on food and create a conversation around it. Ask someone if they want a drink and go get it for them or stand next to them in the food line and strike up a conversation about the food. For example, you can say, “I really like this drink. What do you think?” You can also say, “Wow, have you tried the bread? I recommend having a slice. What do you think they seasoned it with?”
Join in on an activity that other people are doing together. If you see some people about to start a game or go do an activity, ask to join in. Breaking off into a smaller group of people can help you feel more comfortable and make speaking to someone specific easier. For example, if people are going to go watch a television show or a video clip together, go along. Then, ask someone, “What other television shows do you watch?” and find some commonalities to talk about.
Conversing in a Public Space
Offer some help. If someone looks lost and you know the area, offer to help them navigate. Giving some help is not only a kind thing to do, it can also open up a conversation. Maybe you and the person are going the same direction and can walk together. Whether it’s someone who looks lost or another person who needs help with their groceries, be willing to lend a hand. It might lead to making a new friend.
Ask them where they’re from. Especially if you’re in a big city or somewhere that gets regular visitors, asking someone where they’re from can be a great conversation opener. Learning someone’s story of how they came to live or vacation there is almost always interesting and is a talking point you can build upon. For example, if you’re at a concert, ask the person next to you where they’re from. Maybe they traveled a long distance to get there or they randomly showed up.
Use humor to make them laugh. Humor is one of the easiest ways to connect with people, especially if they’re strangers. People tend to feel more open and comfortable when laughing. Point out something funny happening around you and share the experience with someone you don’t know. Say a joke, make a comment, or show them something funny that you noticed.
Join in with an activity. If you’re in a public space with lots of people, get involved with an event or gathering of people. For example, if there’s a drum circle, join in and make some music. If you see a street performer, stop and watch with other people. Not only can these be fun experiences, they can also bring you together with other people who have stopped. Then, initiate a conversation over a shared experience. Attend free concerts and food festivals. See what events happen in your community and show up with the intent of meeting people.
Approaching Someone in a Professional Context
Comment about something work-related. When meeting someone in a professional context, try to keep it work-related and professional at first. You might not want to get buddy-buddy with them upfront as this might look and feel unprofessional, especially if you’re in a professional setting. Talk about work and any things you have in common. For example, you can say, “We’re on the same project together. Hi, I’m Trevor.”
Give positive feedback to someone. If you notice good work from somebody, comment on it. If you agree with somebody, say so out loud. If you’re in a meeting, then talk to the person after the meeting to agree with them or discuss things further. For example, say, “I loved your presentation. I usually get bored, but yours was interesting and informative. Where did you find your videos?”
Ask for advice. If you know that the person is an expert in an area that you’d like to know more about, ask them for information or helpful tips. Most people enjoy sharing their knowledge with others, and are pleased when people take an interest in what they do. For example, you might say, “Wow, you really know a lot about photo editing. Can you recommend some good software for a beginner?”
Keep away from unprofessional topics that might turn the person off. There are certain topics that are rude or distasteful to bring up with a stranger, especially in a professional context. For example, don’t go up to a woman and remark on her pregnancy. Stay away from political affiliation, religion, appearance (including weight), or overly personal disclosures (like that you’re getting a divorce or that your uncle just died). Keep conversations neutral and not controversial. Choose neutral topics of interest, such as work-related events, conferences, and mutual friends.
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